[TerryL]

Hi - I just needed to vent..

A month before my mother passed she was feeling pressure in her chest. I took her to emergency and her ekg checked out ok. We went back to her regular internist who scheduled a bone scan for her. (she had breast cancer but it was at bay) When we went for the bone scan I was told that it involved injecting a radioactive substance into her bloodstream and that she would be slightly radioactive afterwards. I freaked a little when I heard. After the scan Mom and I went out for lunch. She was elderly and a little wobbly and used a cane. As we were walking to the restaurant after parking, she wanted to hold my arm but remembering she was still slightly radioactive I told her half-jokingly not to touch me. I am so ASHAMED that I said that. I'm sure that the radioactivity was not that high but I just reacted irrationally. After lunch I googled bone scans and one site recommended drinking water to flush out the radioactive substance. I called Mom (who lived on her own, long story) and told her to drink lots of water. That was at 6pm. She normally slept at about 8pm. I told her the water would make her go to the bathroom and that she would probably not get a lot of sleep that night. The next day, which was a Sunday, I called her and she sounded different. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was bored. So she and I and her friend went out for breakfast. Afterwards it suddenly dawned on me that she was not only bored but probably tired from going to the bathroom all night. I called her and asked how much water did she drink the night before. She said 6 cups. I freaked. I had not intended for her to drink that much. I only meant for her to drink maybe 2 cups but I had not specified the amount to her. I never thought she would drink 6 cups. That afternoon she called me and said she felt wonderful. The water had helped her constipation. I normally visit her every evening but I didn't that night because I thought I would leave her to rest and to get some sleep. The next day I called her doctor as soon as he opened to see if the 6 cups might have hurt her in any way. The doctor assured me that it was ok. I had not been feeling well that morning so I did not get to Mom's place till around 10:30am. I found her on the ground in the bathroom, lifeless. I don't know what caused her death, could it have been the 6 cups of water? Could it have been her heart? Why did I even tell her to drink the water? All that going to the bathroom increased her chances of slipping and falling. The people who administered the bone scan did not instruct her to drink water so it probably was not necessary. Why couldn't I have left well enough alone? Why did I tell her not to touch me when she needed to hold on to me that day? I have been dealing with guilt ever since...I know I will never know what killed her, ...and except for telling her not to touch me that day, which I will always feel bad about, I meant well..but still....sigh...

[Korin]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Please don’t blame yourself.

When something this bad happens we always remember the silly little things we said.

Thinking about and remembering other nice visits you had and things you did together that made her smile would be so much more beneficial at this time.

(((Hug)))

[bebop]

first off I am really sorry for your loss. please don't blame yourself. it really sounds like her heart. you said she was having alot of pressure. if anything the ER should have kept her to run tests on her heart! you are not to blame! and please hon you may have overreacted to the radiation stuff but I am sure she was ok with that.

[kaliope]

TerryL
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Guilt is one of the stages of grief. You will feel bad for a time thinking about all the "if onlys", thinking how different things would be if only you had done things differently. you are still in shock. you will eventually feel anger, depression, you may experience these things all together or fluctuate between all of them on a daily basis. Eventually, if you allow yourself to move through the emotions, you will come to acceptance. Instead of focusing on the "if onlys"- the water, the radioactivity- try focusing on the fact that mom was indeed an fragilily ill woman, something indeed was wrong with her. you were in the process of trying to discover that with the multiple trips to the dr.this current illness is what took her life -NOT anything that you did. you sound like you were a very caring compassionate child to your mother. i am sure she appreciated that. take care

[TerryL]

Thank you for your reply. the medical tests did not show any heart problem though so I am still in limbo. I wish I could get over this. I am the Queen of Guilt...sigh

[bebop]

did they do an autopsy or do you mean the testing she went thru prior to her passing?

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by kaliope

TerryL
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Guilt is one of the stages of grief. You will feel bad for a time thinking about all the "if onlys", thinking how different things would be if only you had done things differently. you are still in shock. you will eventually feel anger, depression,

It's been 3 years already...for the first 2 and a half years I was in so much pain 24/7 it was hell on earth. I didn't know about PC then. The pain has lessened a little now but it is always there underneath just waiting to resurface. I have not come to terms with all the issues. I am trying. Am so very thankful for everyone's support.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by bebop

did they do an autopsy or do you mean the testing she went thru prior to her passing?

No autopsy was done as we did not want to do that to her body. The testing was done about a month before she passed. I should have been more vigilant. I was so preoccupied with my pets' ailments, trying to save them that I missed the warning signs with Mom...sigh....

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I just read your original post.

it was not your fault.

I felt the same way when my aunt passed. One of the last things she said to me, during our last meeting ever was, "Billi, you never call me".

She was not exactly my favorite person to talk to, but I was going to call her.

then, 2 days later, I get a call from her executor saying she's passed.

Also, I was afraid that I had not prayed enough because the other times we almost lost her, I had prayed and she had been all right.

So, many of us think that we should have done something.

It's really something else when we have no control over someone passing.

It's a great pain and many of us wish we could just make it not ever happen.

Billi

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I just read your original post.

it was not your fault.

I felt the same way when my aunt passed. One of the last things she said to me, during our last meeting ever was, "Billi, you never call me".

She was not exactly my favorite person to talk to, but I was going to call her.

then, 2 days later, I get a call from her executor saying she's passed.

Also, I was afraid that I had not prayed enough because the other times we almost lost her, I had prayed and she had been all right.

So, many of us think that we should have done something.

It's really something else when we have no control over someone passing.

It's a great pain and many of us wish we could just make it not ever happen.

Billi

Hi Billi - re your aunt - I feel she reaped what she sowed.
Thank you for trying to comfort me. There were other issues involved in my mom's death. Too long to go into more.