My Mom - 7/4/21 to 11/3/81

Dear Mom,

It's hard to believe that 30 years has gone by since you passed away. I remember it so vividly and all leading up to that day.

I was filled with mixed emotions as you struggled to breathe. I hated seeing you suffer the way you did. It didn't make sense to me. Here was a woman, a wonderful woman with a heart as big as all outdoors. A woman who reached out to others in need and gave them a safe place to land. A woman who was stoic with her emotions and feelings. A woman who stood tall no matter what life threw at her. And all I could see in that moment was the strong woman I knew who was curled up in the fetal position and struggling to let go and hold on at the same time. Such confusion to me.......

I think the hardest part for me was when you weren't able to communicate anymore. I missed hearing your voice. I would talk to you when I visited, more in my mind than verbally. It's such a shame that we couldn't talk to one another as we sure did love a good sparring match. As much as we loved each other, we could sure get on each other's last nerve at times. Ahhh....good times those were....LOL.

I miss you mom. I've come to realize over the past 15 years or so, how much I've become more like you. I used to think that I wasn't anything like you at all, but that is so not true. I appreciate what I learned from you mom. Thank you for teaching me.

Not everything was perfect between us as I was growing up. I learned at an early age that I wasn't your absolute favorite. While I may have been your first, it was my brother who came along 4 years later that rocked your world. Those realizations throughout those years were pretty painful for me. It was hard to see you fawn all over him and yet turn around and be strict with extremely high expectations of me. But I still loved you and I know that you loved me. As I matured, I figured out that you raised me as you had been raised. You knew no different. I suspect that your mother fawned over your brothers and taught you and your sister to be stoic and emotionless and strong. At least you could cry, your sister never could until her end of life and I know she wanted to cry....she told me she did, it just wasn't allowed.

I know that there were a number of times when I really disappointed you. I'm sorry for that mom. It was never my intent to disappoint you. I was a lost soul just trying to fit in somewhere in life. You did come to my rescue though and I will always be grateful for that.

I miss you mom. I miss your crazy sense of humor. I miss your smile. I miss your baking!!!! I miss seeing the love in your eyes for your first grandchild and how the sun rose and set on her. I just miss you mom.....

(((sabby)))

a beautiful heartfelt letter sabby. thank you for sharing it with us.

(((sabby))) I'm so sorry. You know, perhaps your Mom's strictness and high expectations of you didn't mean she didn't love you as much as your brother. Perhaps she loved you so fiercely she wanted perfection for you. Mom's are different with their daughters, it doesn't mean they love them less.

(((sabby)) - thank you for sharing this part of your life.

(((sabby))) that was beautiful and brought me as close to tears as I can get.

(((Sabby))) Love ya.

That was such a beautiful expression of love!

(((((((((((((((( Everyone ))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for responding to this thread. I really appreciate your support and thoughts.

My mom was always the Rock of Gilbralter in my life. No matter what transpired, I knew I could depend on her to be there for me in some way shape or form. There is no doubt that we had our issues between us. Life wasn't always rosy and sunny. I think what got us through aside from love was respect for one another.

Again, thanks everyone....you all rock!


sabby