[new widow]

I'm just feeling so depressed and helpless today. I wonder why I wake up each morning and if it will ever get better. I miss Paul so much. I feel like he was my reason for living and I don't have a purpose anymore.

[carrie_ann]

((((new widow)))) ... i know it doesn't feel like it right now but the pain will lessen with time. i don't know if you believe in afterlife, that Paul would be looking down on you, so I don't know if that would be a comfort? and i know it's difficult right now thru all the grief, hurt, maybe anger that he was taken from you so soon, but can you maybe try to think about how blessed you were to have him for the time you did?

would you like to tell us about him if it would help?

[new widow]

He was a wonderful man. He was only 51. I know he loved me and only wanted me to be happy. He used to just sit and stare at me and then when I would catch him doing it he would say I love you. We both lost our parents and didn't have much family so it was just the two of us. We were never able to have kids but we did have our animals. Right now I just can't stop thinking about him in the hospital with the breathing tube and not being able to talk. It's killing me to think about what he went through. I wonder if I could have done something differently if he would still be here. We went away for the weekend for my birthday and the doctor says that's when he had his heart attack. Maybe if we hadn't gone he'd still be here.

[carrie_ann]

it's natural to wonder if you could have done things differently, but what could you have done? i thought that for a long time and it took a long time to realize, no matter what i done, it would have happened anyway. i also know how hard it is to get that last image of breathing tube etc out of your head. that will take time, it took me a long time in my case. the only thing i can suggest for you is what folks told me at the time ... you had a weekend away together, i'm sure it was a wonderful weekend? try to keep those thoughts and images uppermost in your mind if you can, use them to push away the bad images, i'm sure your Paul would want that, for you to remember the last special time together.

[new widow]

I know I should try to remember the good time we had on the trip. It's just so hard. Now I just talked to the funeral home and my husband hasn't been cremated yet because the doctor won't sign the death certificate. He's looking for more information. It's been 11 days since he died. Now it just makes me wonder if they think there was some medical error. I just don't know what's going on. It's making me feel all tense and worried that maybe there was something that could have been done to save him. This is just so much to handle.

[carrie_ann]

((((((((new widow)))))))) ... i'm so sorry, i know how hard this is, i had to wait three weeks and it turned out it was just a backlog, and it felt like an eternity and it's so painful. i'm sorry, despite having been thru this myself, i know that nothing i say can ease any of this. please try to hang in there and know i do care.

[new widow]

Thanks Carrie Ann. It's nice to have someone who understands what I'm going through. My friends and family say they're here for me, but then say they can't even imagine the pain I'm going through. It's nice to have someone to talk to who gets it.

[carrie_ann]

family can't really understand unless they've been thru it too, tho i'm sure they genuinely do care. i'd say the best thing for you atm is to talk/ vent all you need here and cry all you need too, it's not good for you to hold anything in.

[new widow]

I'm glad I found this site so that I can get things out. I have bouts of crying and yelling but I just let it out and hope it passes.

[carrie_ann]

((((((((new widow)))))))

[eskielover]

(((new widow)))

I know when my mother died a few years ago now, the hospice group in the area had grief groups for people who lost a family member, close friend to cancer, or other traumatic sudden deaths. The situation that happened with my mother was more complicated than what they had skills to handle.....but they seemed to be a very understanding place to let out the grief & be with many others who were experiencing similar emotions. The main point is to get it out & express the feelings of anger, hurt, lonliness & all the other emotions that go along with loosing someone so close especially when they are your whole life.

I'm sorry they are having such a hard time getting through the process. Usually they don't do autopsy's if the person died in the hospital....only if they die at home or unless there is something questionable that the Dr wanted to find out about.

I am sorry your husband had the heart attack right after your long weekend. My father had a heart attack......My husband & daughter had taken my parents on vacation to our condo in Jackson Hole Wyoming. We left my parents in our condo & we took a week back pack into the wilderness. My dad was walking around at the high altitude & had a lot of shortness of breath. He got home & went back to work the next week. First day back to work, he had his heart attack. Come to find out....9 of his arteries in his heart were blocked....not something that happens overnight.....nor to valve problems. From what I understood with the heart issues of my father is that no heart problems just show up overnight. It would be good for you to talk to his Dr & get all the details of what happened with his heart so that there is nothing left to your wondering.

I know that I have very bad feelings toward the Dr's who treated my mother's cancer......her oncologist continually told her he had gotten it all with the surgery...giving her complete false hope. I thought he was an arrogant chauvinist because he said that without getting any of the pathology reports back from the surgery. When things are left unsaid & unresolved in our mind (even after I got all the medical reports from the hospital), we place all kinds of thoughts in those unresolved places.

Not sure if you would ever know if there was something that was not right in his care....hospital & Dr's tend to cover each other pretty well when mistakes are made & things happen that it's really hard to go back & even know how to deal with something that was done wrong.

In my situation, I was the only family my mother had left. I had no idea when they were releasing her from the hospital. They are only supposed to talk with the person or the family to talk about the patient. Turned out I got a call from this person we were only talking to who wanted to care for my mother at my mother's own home after getting out of the hospital....she told me they were releasing my mother that day & I needed to drive down to the hospital & make arrangements Hospital should have talked to me & just the night before they had refused to even check my mother out for the stroke I'm sure that she had had (on top of her cancer which they still denied had spread).....it allowed a whoie nightmare of trauma that happened because of how the hospital & the Dr's handled my mother & I was the one having to deal with it alone. Trying not to make this about my stuff....but it's just an example of how the hospital does cover up their failures....the failures of the social workers to ever get back & talk with me, the failure of accepting that person who was not my mothers home care person without any written proof to give out information on my mother to her & a mother who I know had no cognative ability to make the decisions they were allowing her to make......but what can you do about it????

I'm glad you found PC....it's a wonderful site to get support...to find people who care & who can relate to the feelings you are experiencing. There are several women who have lost their husband's within over the last year or so.......notthemama8 just lost her husband.....you might be able to contact her via PM if she hasn't been here for a while.

My father survived his initial heart attack....he had bypass surgery (9 bypasses holding the record at the time at the hospital) & lived for 5 years after that. They adjusted some of the meds he was on & he came down with what he & my mother thought was the flu....bad coughing....turned out to be massive heart failure & the fluid was building up around his heart....but he had just seen his cardiologist the week before when they changed his meds so they didn't even think it could be his heart......that morning when he was planning on going to the Dr to care for the flu, was when he died...it was sudden & a shock to all of us, my mother, me & especially hit my daughter hard. My dad was my mother's whole life also. The grief & the questions & the concerns you are experiencing are all very normal & I know it's a horrible feeling.

Time heals.....but that doesn't help with the feelings NOW.

Glad you are here for support

[new widow]

Thanks for everything. It's just so hard to imagine that he's really gone. He was only 51 and we should have had many more years together. I talked to the funeral home today and they said that the doctor is going to sign the death certificate but he won't be in the office until tomorrow to do it. At least we can get that part taken care of. I'm sorry for what you went through with your mother. It's hard dealing with the hospital and never knowing if maybe they did something wrong and the death could have been prevented. I'm glad I found this site. I'm just trying to find a way to survive the pain, even though at this moment I really don't want to.

[cowboy1]

I am so sorry to hear. I just got done looseing my significant other on FEB/9/2012. it has been hard on me. It is one of the worst pain's that a human being will ever go through. She left two kid's behinde and I feel for you. I am just trying to take a day at a time that's all you can do even as hard as it is. So young like mine was only 53. I am so sorry for your loss COWBOY1.

[cowboy1]

I am so sorry for your loss. COWBOY1.