[anthony81]

I am starting to narrow down the root causes of my problem:
I'm an affection-starved guy who cuddles on first dates, scaring them away... and constantly seeks comfort and safety and acceptance in the presence of girls.

DID ANYONE ELSE HERE LOSE MOM AT A YOUNG AGE THRU DEATH/DIVORCE?

Mine was due to mental illness and divorce. There was no real replacement since I had a single father and he was anything but motherly.

Does anyone else besides me feel that same sense of yearning for female affection? Does that affect your dating and relationships? Do you endure pain and conflict within if your partner or date is cold and distant?

What helps me to find solace is pets, particularly cats. I feel the need to nurture them and I feel nurtured by their presence. I constantly treat them like my children.. dogs too.. and feel the need to care for them.

I know a girl will never replace our mother but gosh she could at least give a guy that hug he wants.. that gentle kiss.. take his hand and hold it.. is it really that bad??

[dailyhealing]

I haven't had any of those issues regarding losing my mother to death. I do know about being needy and wanting to be in a relationship. I was very much that way as a teen and in my early 20s. However, I am sorry you have had to endure that and are hurting so much. And there is no replacement for loss, in my experience the path to getting better is through healing. For me that involved accepting and experiencing a lot of pain and having to work on myself a LOT through therapy and other ways. And it's not like I'm cured, I've been working at this for more than 20 years now and still have to work on things. I believe it is a lifelong process, and it always starts with working on yourself.

It seems like you are starting to come to some new understandings from being here, despite the rocky start. I hope you will consider looking at the possibility that working on yourself, and not seeking the relationship/approval of another person is the answer. When we work on ourselves enough to begin to heal we become more able to be in relationship with others without forcing so much of our baggage upon them. I think considering group therapy, a support group, or individual therapy will move you more quickly towards your goal of being in a relationship.

Thanks for posting and I hope to hear more from you.

[Leed]

Hi and I'm glad you posted. I'm sorry you didn't have the nurturing of your mother as a child. I can totally understand that, as my sisters and I didn't have any of that either. We had a mother, but she didn't know HOW to give us the nurturing we needed -- the affection & love we needed. She didn't get it as a child, so she couldn't give it to US.

I totally agree with "DailyHealing." We need to work on ourselves in order to heal and begin to understand. We can't depend on others to satisfy the needs that our mother didn't give us -- that just can't be done. A mother's love is a totally different kind of love and affection than the kind of affection that a female friend could give us. And like Dailyhealing said, we can't force our baggage on anyone else.

Therapy would be a very good answer too, to help you understand what happened and is happening. Have your doctor refer you to a good therapist -- you won't regret it, believe me.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[honeybee777]

I lost my father through divorce and was left with a mother who was very much mentally ill, so I was the grown up of the house at a very young age which sent me into a very bad spiral after that, I stared seeking attention by having sex at a very young age with very much older men, NOT GOOD , anyway yeah i get the whole my mother wasnt there and my dad wasnt there i want love, that normal for someone to react in that fashion, especially if you never had it, and how are you supposed to act when youve never been taught to love properly LOL, this was good thanks man