My mum died 4 weeks ago now and I still feel awful, I hide my feelings I am not the type of person to talk openly about how I am feeling, I know things will get easier, Yesterday was pretty hard and I self harmed on my arms I haven't done this in awhile. I feel so guilty that I didn't talk to mom in 6 months, I feel angry at my family too for not telling me sooner that mom took ill the day before she died, They're selfish, I could of had more time with her. The images of her lying in the hospital bed dying are horrible, I have never in my life watched anyone die before.

All I have been doing is sitting and crying, I saw my therapist today and I couldn't tell her what I had done, She asked how are things and I said "ok"

I don't think I will ever get past this, What hurts is that I loved mom so much and I never got the chance to tell her this, What if she died hating me?
It is soul destroying

[lynn P.]

(((Tinkerbell))) - I'm sorry you're still overwhelmed with grief. Everyone has their own time for grieving. As I mentioned in your other post - I had 2 brothers who died without me seeing them. The one brother - I didn't even get to pay my respects at the funeral home, so I understand some of how you feel. I can't presume to know exactly how you feel.

Personally I believe out loved ones spirits can feel our emotions and see everything completely clear...rather than the messed up family dysfunction when they were alive. She knows you love her. I'm also sorry your family may have withheld her being sick - unfortunately dysfunctional families form unhealthy alliances with each other. My husbands family were told by their mother not to allow my husband at the funeral.

Please take care and don't punish yourself. It natural to think of what if's but don't beat yourself up. She can feel your love and I feel deceased loved ones, fully understand all the conflicts that happened when they were alive. Now you have to live for yourself and your own family....maybe learn from the mistakes and not repeat history.

[notz]

I understand from my own perspective how cutting releases the pain. I still have the urges to cut but I use the rubber band instead. I know not all agree with that substitution of pain infliction but it works for me and pdoc is the one who suggested it as an alternative to cutting.

I am so sorry you are having so much pain. When a parent, especially a mom, dies, everything changes. Try not to harm you, you've been harmed enough.

Much love and many hugs...

Thank you both for understanding.

I am going the cemetery today to have a talk with mom, I know it sounds morbid but it helps me.

[Sabrina]

Tink, 4 weeks is hardly any time at all. Your grief must still be very fresh and very raw. Going to the cemetery to talk to her is a good idea. I sure you will find this helpful.

Thanks Sabrina.

I went and talked to mom I feel so bad again today.

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell.

My mum died 4 weeks ago now and I still feel awful, I hide my feelings I am not the type of person to talk openly about how I am feeling, I know things will get easier, Yesterday was pretty hard and I self harmed on my arms I haven't done this in awhile. I feel so guilty that I didn't talk to mom in 6 months, I feel angry at my family too for not telling me sooner that mom took ill the day before she died, They're selfish, I could of had more time with her. The images of her lying in the hospital bed dying are horrible, I have never in my life watched anyone die before.

All I have been doing is sitting and crying, I saw my therapist today and I couldn't tell her what I had done, She asked how are things and I said "ok"

I don't think I will ever get past this, What hurts is that I loved mom so much and I never got the chance to tell her this, What if she died hating me?
It is soul destroying

((((Tink)))) I am so sorry you are hurting. Things do get less painful, we find ways to cope. It's important that you continue reaching out here and with your T the best you can. One day at a time, my dear friend.

Have you considered going to a grief support group? It was really helpful for me and although you are very private and do not feel comfortable sharing, it is also helpful to be around people that understand and know and feel the way you do...also, hearing other people speaking IRL is very helpful.

I was with my grandfather when he passed ... it was an honor and very scary all at the same time.

I do feel certain about one very important thing (especially after some of the losses that I have experienced)...your mom knew you were there with her. And your mother knew that you loved her Also, somehow (and I'm not the most religious person on the planet), the universe looks out for us in these situations. I feel that to a certainly, as well ... I never would be here today if it didn't.

Please take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Keep reaching out and letting us know how you are doing.

R

[bebop]

hon your mother didn't hate you. I know at times we feel like they do but they really don't. grief can take a long time and yours is so fresh. don't beat yourself up over this. everyone is different. take all the time you need.

Four weeks is a very short time, Tinkerbell. Allow yourself time. And yes, it will get easier, but you will not stop missing her--you just won't think about her constantly. And that is ok, too. You are allowed your grief, but it is not a duty. You don't have to feel that you "should" be over it, either. It will take the time it needs to.

Tell people about her. Write long posts to PC telling us about her. Visit her grave. There is nothing morbid about that at all.

Thinking of you.

Tink... I agree with the others here. Four weeks is not enough time to work through this loss. I am Sure your mom knew you loved her and she loved you too.

Keep reaching out to us when you feel down. I know a lot of people understand the pain you are feeling.

[Leed]

Tinkerbell -- there is NO way your Mom died thinking you hated her. NO WAY. She loved you too much for that. Moms love their kids unconditionally because they carried them for 9 months -- the kids are PART of them. It's different for fathers. They don't have that bond with their kids because obviously they didn't carry them.

Your Mom knew -- never forget that. And she loves YOU. So please don't feel guilty, ok? Your family SHOULD have told you when she got sick -- but I'm sure your Mom knew about that too! Moms have ways of finding things out.

Don't beat yourself up sweetie. Your Mom may be with you right now! In time you may be able to sense her being there; you may even smell her perfume. But she will be around.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Tinkerbell. PLease take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee