[Kalamity]

I found out last weekend, through a round about way, that my grandmother has died. Being that I have no communication with my family I don't rightly know how long ago. While the loss of my grandmother is very sad I am equally frustrated by a lack of understanding for what I'm going through. I have no friends in which to turn to so I posted the event on an online journal and later on a forum that I have visited off and on for a number of years. No one offered me a single kind word for my loss. A week has passed and I'm faced with a pain that is bigger than losing someone that I cared about. I'm faced once again with the feeling that I am so hated, so despised, so unworthy that no one can bother to say "I'm sorry for your loss." This is not the first time this has happened. When I lost triplets (11 years ago), when I was unware that I was even pregnant, no one bothered to think that I would be hurt by the loss. Instead people commented on how greatful I must have felt for not having to endure the burden of raising triplets. The pain of that experience lingers. When my father died 10 years ago no one thought for a second that it might be painful for me. They all assumed that I viewed him with the same hatred that they did. I have cried, but I am not so sure I have ever dealt with the loss. When my grandfather died in 2000 I wasn't even told until after the funeral. My mother didn't think his death would mean anything to me as she was not overly fond of him herself. It was after that point in which I decided to disappear and not let my family know where I was. I feel no pain at not having been able to attend my grandmother's funeral, I knew it would be that way. But I had always assumed that someone somewhere would care enough to empathize with me. I was wrong and now all the pain of all the losses seem to be blending into one giantic ball of pain. I'm lost in a personal grief and again not dealing with the actual loss.

I needed to vent this. I need something more but I have grown so disillusioned that I am running away from it all without trying and without fully recognizing it as it happens.

Sorry to babble so. I really did need to vent this someplace relatively safe. Thank you for reading.

Kalamity,

I am so sorry to read of all the loss you have suffered.

And that you have suffered feeling so alone.

There are a lot of us who can definetly empathize, starting with me.

So if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to ask.

I understand the pain of loss and loneliness and I'm a good listener.

[Zorah]

(((((Kalamity)))))

Vent to us here, all you need.

Deaths always take some time to deal with, & anger is a normal stage of the grieving process.

[walkswithspiritbear]

Vent away kalamity this is a very safe place and I am also pretty sure you will have a little of what you need from here. A place to listen, a shoulder or two or three to cry upon... I am sorry for the losses you have suffered in your life, I truly understand. Take care of yourself and come back soon to us here at pc.... Linda

[Kalamity]

Thank you for all the kind thoughts and words.