[leftwithnoanswers]

I lost my partner to a brain aneurysm a couple of months ago and find it really difficult to cope. I know she was a person that liked to help people and the reams of condolence messages and the number of people at the funeral (200+), confirm that she was a wonderful person that helped so many.

However, I found information when cleaning up some of her stuff that has totally flawed me. I loved her dearly and did all I could for her to support her and love her, and I fully trusted her. But now I am not sure if she ever loved me and not sure that she was ever committed to our relationship.

I came across a D&M Valentine card some time ago and when I questioned her about it she couldn’t remember. When cleaning up I came across a farewell card from the same person (when she moved jobs and location) saying “thanks for all those special moments, you’ve given me a lifetime of memories in such a short time”.

I also found that she had secretly been e-mailing another male up to 6 times a day. It was only after I became suspicious and put spy software on her computer that I found out she was e-mailing this person. However it wasn’t until I was cleaning up that I found this had been going on for 5 years, (after moving to her new job and location). I found copious draft e-mails written to him. One which upset me was she wrote “ …Good to see you as always. He rang last week and I said I will (forgive?)You mentioned my friend (Ha!) from the past. Actually whole incident makes me squirmy inside. Must have been my fault, I must have caused it. I lead him to believe then back out. Erk what a mess” .

When I confronted her about her e-mail activity she said she would stop. I also asked had she been intimate with this person or ever been out with him, and she said no. I also think I asked had she been with anyone else, and she said no.

I did bite the bullet and contact the e-mail friend and am fairly sure that no intimacy was involved, though the stuff she was writing was very flirting and made me quite ill when I read it. There were also a lot of derogatory remarks about me. When I asked the email friend about the above e-mail, he could remember “the friend from the past” and said it was someone she was kind to and regretted the whole thing.

Now I am left to ponder was she always a person that trying to help people and got caught with this man and backed out, or was she always overly friendly to men and helped them out by being intimate with them. I do know that I was always telling her not to be so over friendly to men, which she then seemed to hide from me. Did she lie to me, or was she telling me the truth when she said she hadn’t been with anyone. So many unanswered questions, that leave me wondering whether our relationship was a complete sham.

I feel like the grief has hit twice and cannot seem to pull out of my downward spiral. I don’t know what to do.

[Gus1234U]

it is time to interrupt that negative train of thought~! remember all she did that you loved, and let others love her too~ some people are very capable of loving many, and it sounds like you were trying to smother that... time to let it go~



best wishes~
Gus