[manxcatwoman]

I've tried to write this a few times since I've been here on pc but it's been too painful and I really didn't think people would understand.

Even though my first therapist died decades ago, I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

I began seeing Dr. Lowe in therapy when I was twenty. Even though he was a little conservative and clinical I still liked him. After a couple of sessions though he went on vacation. I didn't know in advance and panicked and even ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I began seeing another therapist after that and didn't return to see Dr. Lowe until a couple of yrs. later.

It was very obvious that he had changed. Everything about him was different. I mentioned it and he told me why he looked and felt so different. He had gotten a divorce and became true to himself. He was gay. I felt happy for him but a little sad for myself because I had always been attracted to him and loved him in some way.

Over the yrs., I saw Dr. Lowe off and on even though I had seen a couple of other therapists. I always felt the need just to talk to him about anything and everything. He was the kind of therapist who didn't mind patients coming and going.

During the last yr. of my therapy, he was beginning to change and not for the better. It was obvious that he wasn't physically well. I asked me if he was OK and he said that he had contracted AIDs. I can't remember feeling such grief except for the death of my grandfather who died when I was eleven.

Over the last few mos. of Dr. Lowe's life, he continued to practice therapy so that he could keep his health insurance. I continued to see him even though it was extremely painful. It seemed as if was good for him too since we had known each other for so long.

During the last wk. he was scheduled for brain surgery because of a tumor. He said it wasn't anything major. I asked if I could come and see him in the hospital and he said yes. I took him some store bought carrot cake and he told me it was a little dry. I didn't feel offended. I was just glad that he allowed me to be there. Not every therapist would have.

After a few days the surgery I called his room and the nurse said that Dr. Lowe had died.

I still miss him and want to believe that his spirit still lives on and that all I have to do is imagine him being here and he is.

If that's the case, I know he wants me to be happy and to accomplish my goals. And I know he would want me to return to therapy. I haven't been in six mos. But it won't be with Dr. Lowe and it's still hard to deal with. It's ironic that what use to be his office is only a few miles down the street.

I just needed to get this out and I'm sure I'll feel better just by sharing.

Thanks for reading.

[glok]

Thanks for sharing, manxcatwoman. I wish you well.

[manxcatwoman]

Originally Posted by glok

Thanks for sharing, manxcatwoman. I wish you well.

Thanks, glok. I feel better now that I've written about him.

[littlemiss44]

That is so sad...I'm so sorry for yr loss. I'm glad he let you see him in the hospital. My therapist means so much to me. I can't imagine losing her. In fact at our last session I asked her if she plans to stay at the therapy clinic and she laughed and said of course. I don't know why I asked her that. I also asked my pdoc the same question the same day. I told him he helps me so much and that I love him. It isn't like an in love thing...it's like a happiness because he helps me so much. He doesn't just prescribe and that's it. He is really interested in how I'm doing. To lose Dr lowe like that would be devastating. I know you haven't been back to see a.therapist but u encourage you to try and find a new one. You also need to process and grieve this loss with someone or join a support group. I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. I do care. :-) hugs to you.

[manxcatwoman]

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

That is so sad...I'm so sorry for yr loss. I'm glad he let you see him in the hospital. My therapist means so much to me. I can't imagine losing her. In fact at our last session I asked her if she plans to stay at the therapy clinic and she laughed and said of course. I don't know why I asked her that. I also asked my pdoc the same question the same day. I told him he helps me so much and that I love him. It isn't like an in love thing...it's like a happiness because he helps me so much. He doesn't just prescribe and that's it. He is really interested in how I'm doing. To lose Dr lowe like that would be devastating. I know you haven't been back to see a.therapist but u encourage you to try and find a new one. You also need to process and grieve this loss with someone or join a support group. I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. I do care. :-) hugs to you.

Thanks, little miss. Dr. Lowe was a very kind person in so many ways. I've been wondering a lot about how the soul works after death. I don't believe we just die and that's the end. I'm not a religious person in the classic sense. Maybe I think of life and death in a scientific way but I definitely believe we have a soul.

It's time for me to go back to therapy with the therapist I've been seeing over the last few yrs. Sometimes I've felt resentment for a therapist because he or she isn't Dr. Lowe. I'm sure they understand but I've never felt that I've gotten enough out of my system. I don't know what the answer is.

I'm glad you have a great relationship with your therapist and that she's going to stay at the clinic. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know about a therapist's future plans. It makes sense in a lot of ways. We rely on them in ways that we can't rely on others. We can tell them basically anything and still feel accepted.

I'll send you a pm and thanks for suggesting that.

Take care.

[littlemiss44]

Ya please pm me...yr going thru a tough situation and I don't want you to feel alone. Thank you for yr kind words. It means alot to me. Hugs