[Flameytail]

I was almost ten years younger than my brother. When I was little, I loved my brother so much. When I grew older, I went through a phase of hating him because I heard of how many times he had been in and out of jail. I got pissed when he moved in. However, when we moved to Washington, my brother and I became really close. He was changing, and I was starting to get along very well with him. Sadly, when he moved in he moved in with an old buddy from the military. His buddy was from the Infantry and had extreme PTSD, so my brother would live in fear. He would wake up to knives on his throat, constant mood swings, gun pointed at his face, things destroyed, ect. One day, my brother had enough and he decided to move back to his home town in Wisconsin. Four days later he was dead.

Originally, we thought he had overdosed through the persuasion of his friends he had returned to. They were heavy druggies. My dad was angry, pissed. Posting terrible things on Facebook to his old friends. I was so... gone. I drank a whole two liter soda and a whole bag of marshmallows. After that, I did not eat for a week. This is when the anxiety and nightmares and seeing-things began.

We got a private viewing day before his funeral. I was left alone, and I was looking at him when I thought he sat straight up. I freaked out, screamed, and almost knocked him off the casket stand.

That week was so horrible. I keep seeing his dead face, the images of his body being cut open for the autopsy, replaced with a fake plastic chest.

I hate it.

I've been the one in the family "least affected" by it, but I think it affected me in different ways, He haunts me. Not as a ghost, but as a... figure in my mind. It's driving me INSANE.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Have you considered speaking to a grief counselor? It helped me out a lot when I lost my mother and my son. They are able to help you find ways to process the loss and move forward from it. While you will never forget or cease to hurt from the loss, there are ways to deal with it. You continue to miss them, and you continue to remember them, but are able to move forward with yourself and your life. Best of luck, and I'm sorry you are grieving so. ((hugs))

[darkest days]

I know how you feel as I lost my brother too. I hope you will feel better.