[AnomalousCarrotCake]

I've had many losses over the past several years and grief feels bottomless, like there will never be an end to it.

To add to it, I am now waiting for the other shoe to drop, and anticipate more losses on top of what I've already lost.

I don't feel like there's anything left to celebrate. Everything in life is about loss, and expecting loss, and even if something new and good happens in my life, gearing up for its eventual loss, too.

I know someone could throw in a Buddhist aphorism here about all being impermanent, but even as I've studied mindfulness this doesn't help right now. Thinking about impermanence at this point makes me want to give up on everything. What's the point?

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much loss. I know it seems like it will never end.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, that might be a good place to start. Or you might want to talk to your doctor as it sounds like you are really depressed, too. I know the two kind of go together, but depression can be helped sometimes with short term medication therapy.

I encourage you to start a gratitude journal and list 3 things everyday that you are thankful for, even if it is just being thankful that you have a glass of water or that the sun is shining. It really helps if we find things to be grateful for, even if they are small things. I know today I'm really thankful that the sun is shining as my mood is worse when it is cloudy or rainy like yesterday.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other until things get better and they will. Life is full of ups and downs, some lasting longer than others.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much loss. I know it seems like it will never end.

It really does. I feel like I'm beaten down by grief and I can't process it. There's too much.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, that might be a good place to start.

I just started seeing a new one. I have my second appointment this week. I'm hoping it will help, but we're still in the 'collecting background info' stage and inbetween sessions I feel like I need to find some way to deal with all that's been thrown at me.

I've started journaling. I wanted to blog on PC blogs, but I found out I can't until I've been on the forum for 30 days. So I'm journaling offline.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Or you might want to talk to your doctor as it sounds like you are really depressed, too. I know the two kind of go together, but depression can be helped sometimes with short term medication therapy.

I'm on waiting list to see a psychiatrist, actually. Doctor referred me to one.
There are so few psychiatrists that take insurance, though, and this is why I have to wait. It's been a couple months already.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I encourage you to start a gratitude journal and list 3 things everyday that you are thankful for, even if it is just being thankful that you have a glass of water or that the sun is shining. It really helps if we find things to be grateful for, even if they are small things. I know today I'm really thankful that the sun is shining as my mood is worse when it is cloudy or rainy like yesterday.

Maybe I can do that as part of the journal I'm already working on. This really helps? Heck, I'll give it a try. I have nothing to lose.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Keep putting one foot in front of the other until things get better and they will. Life is full of ups and downs, some lasting longer than others.

This is how I've remained alive so far. But the 'lasting longer' part is lasting way too long. I need a break. I need more positive things to happen in life, and for them to stick with me for some time.

Life has been either very difficult or mercifully uneventful for the past several years. But there's been little new and good entering it.