[lfshadow]

I lost almost my entire family in less than a year. That was 10 yrs ago, but I'm still grieving
My little brother committed suicide just before Xmas(12/95). Just a few weeks after his death, my Mom found out her cancer had come back. I moved back East and took care of her until she died, 6 months after my brothers death. I think she gave up the will to live. And then 2 months after Mom died, my Dad committed suicide(8/96). This all put me a very bad depression. I dont remember most of what happened for about 3 years after. (In the last 10 years Ive lost a total of about 20 relatives and close friends).

Then a few years later, the Man whom I had been with for 14 years, left me. He didnt handle my grieving well at all. I couldnt talk to him about any of it. He would get irritated and angry if he saw me crying, so I had to hide it. (This didnt help matters!) Apparently he had fallen out of love with me several years earlier and was just using me. During all of this I had pretty much become reclusive. I lost touch with all of my friends. I can’t blame them really. I wasnt any fun to be around for a very long time. Im still not.
Ive been trying to to get my life back to "normal", but Im not sure what that is anymore. And it will never be even close to what it WAS like. I wish I could just wash it all out of my head and be fun and happy and outgoing like I was before. Im stuck. I have no ambition or goals or motivation. No family, no friends, no social life, no love in my life. Nothing makes me happy or gets me excited. But I keep reading, hoping I will find something that will snap me out of it.

I am so sorry. You have lost a lot in your life and have much to grieve for. Be proud that you have survived the last 10 years. I'm so glad that you have found this site, and hope you find some comfort in knowing that others care - even though its in cyberspace!! Have you considered therapy. Maybe that could be the first step in your path to healing? You can become "unstuck', and find joy again in your life. Take it from one who knows!! Please PM me any time if you want to. Hope to see or hear from you again.

[Soidhonia]

Hello If.
I am sorry for all of your loss that you have had to endure in your life. I hope that you can focus on the future and less on the past as time passes. Take care. soidhonia