Hi there,

I feel like I have a lot of grief inside me.. due to my dad not wanting me.

I've never actually shared this with anyone.. Only my former therapist knows.

I've bee SO silly.. I've felt like grief would be weakness!

I actually thought I didn't know how to cry, but lately, I've been feeling more like, I don't want to - like, for as long as I can, I'll stop myself from crying, whatever it takes!

I actually think I did cry and grieve this loss as a child but it made no sense because there was no one there who could have explained it to me. Since both my parents were emotionally unavailable, I essentially cried alone. It must have killed me.. Even now, I can remember feeling like my whole body was on fire - full of emotion but no one to explain it to me, to make it milder, to teach me how to live with it..

My dad didn't like kids. He didn't want my brother nor me. I believe he hates neediness, which I took as physical abandonment even though he was actually physically present. I felt he wouldn't care for me if I was left alone with him, so I clung to my mum. Too bad she was a control freak..

The other day, I really and truly realised I wasn't loved by my dad. And I feel it as shame, with every fiber of my being.. I just need to know it wasn't my fault. And that it's possible for someone else to love me even though my dad didn't..

[Fuzzybear]

[CopperStar]

My father did not love my younger brother nor myself. I feel like I was able to tough it out well enough, all things considered, but I think it damaged my brother something terrible.

But my brother has always been the cliche 'silent, strong' type. He never wants to talk about it, denies that his childhood was that bad, etc.

When he graduated from high school, our father didn't even bother to show up, and I watched my brother trying so hard not to break down sobbing. I wanted to grab him and hug him, but I could tell he was embarrassed and trying so hard to stop the tears. There were so many people around and I didn't want him to be embarrassed.

My brother thinks he puts on a tough front, but I am his older sister and I have always been able to see the truth. He was not given the love, guidance and protection that he deserved, that every child deserves. I hope that he will be able to open up and start healing someday when he is ready.

I also never hated my father until I realized what he had done to my brother. My sweet and innocent little brother who just wanted to be loved like any other kid. Our father is lucky that he got dementia and was given private care. He would not have lasted long if I were in charge. Evil bastard.