[benloulen]

I am having a very hard time right now. I have suffered loss in may different ways. 1.) My X husband died in September of cancer and I took care of him. 2.) My job suffered as a result and I lost many clients 3.) I have this boyfriend that I can't seem to break myself away from even though I know that the relationship is so self destructive to me. about a month a go I went to a psychiatrist because I couldn't stop crying. I am on 2 anti depressents plus anxiety medicine. I have 3 teenage boys and thankfully so far they are good kids.. But I think I had a break down in September and everything piled up on me. I work for myself and I don't seem to have the energy to push myself. I want to get out of this relationship, but we keep going back and forth. My kids kicked him out of my house a year ago and I have snuck around to see him. Finally I said we need to talk to them, he always had an excuse not to. I said I can't stand lying to my kids it is getting me sick. so now he has done his dissapearing act and not called again for three days. He will call eventually and say how much he loves me and how he wants to work it out and I go back EVERYTIME> knowing that it will not change but hoping that his words are real. They never are. He has many issues and if i listed everything you would think I was crazy.. which I feel like I am beginning to think I am. I don't want to feel this anxiety about him. He will start to call or email me and I will ignore it and not respond but then he persits and I feel like I can just talk to him without giving in. I can't and he hurts me again. This has been going on for 3 years. I don't know how to stop the pattern we are in. I have tried a restraining order but time lapsed and they couldn't find him to serve him. I am still depressed on 2 anti depressents PLUS anxiety meds. I just need some help and I can't afford to see a doctor right now my psychiatrist is 85.00 for a half hour just to regulate my medicine. OK so help me please!!!!

[Peanut61]

It takes a long time to recover from the caregiving role; I hope you will be good to yourself.

Welcome to the site. Regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>