[gamegeek4001]

My father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in August of 2013. He passed away December 2013.

At the time I was in college working my way into the world. Dad was having some serious health issues at the time. He was a bit overweight so I chalked it up to his relatively unhealthy life style at the time.

Something that could always work toward fixing. I then received an alarming amount of messages on my phone to

"get on Skype when you can!"

It made me quite unfocused and class only just started. That probably was the longest 30 minuets I can remember.

After class, I found an empty lab and proceeded to get on skype and it was to be the start of the worst news one could ever received.

Dad was there with my Sister and Dad's GF at the time. I already could tell it was not good. Dad was a complete mess when I finally got on.

"We got back from the hospital...Dad has a Brain tumor by the looks of the scan...We are likely going to go to some more professionals to see how serious this is."

Brain tumors are quite rare I thought at first. It must be a mistake. The news didn't sink in at first. I smiled and only wished dad luck. What do you say to that kind of news?

He was completely broken down the entire call pretty much. That did explain why he was like that. Dad wasn't an emotional person. I don't remember a time he cried about anything...it was the most unsettling and surreal call I ever received.

They would keep me posted and the call ended. I probably stayed in that lab for a long while staring at my screen. The information slowly was hitting me.
Though I had more classes that day to get to...I didn't have much time for pity.

I was in a relationship at the time as well. We were already becoming distant as it was a mistake since the start. Add to this the stress of my more demanding classes and my Dad's condition gnawing at the back of my mind everyday.

It was a disaster for me emotionally. I always dealt with death before with light humor as was my way, but I couldn't do that here. This time was different and I had other responsibilities...

Hindsight is 20/20 I am not sure what made me not try to put college on pause at the time. For some reason I thought no one would care that **** happens. I kept it to myself.

About a few months goes by and dad is sent to a series of scans and centers for identifying the problem. The tumor was indeed there, but they were not sure what it was.

After he began to lose the ability to move the right side of his body was he admitted to a local hospital. It was during one of my vacations and was the first time I seen him since that Skype call.

The I don't remember the hospital visits well. They were a numbing haze for me. I finally saw Dad for the first time since then and he was no where near the person I knew anymore.

The many scans and visits up he this point had worn him down to a husk of what he once was.

He was never the kind of person that was dependent on people. I could imagine that left him feeling guilty and humiliated in someway. He never talked much. Just had an empty stare. He would say yes or no to things, but he was very much done I could tell.

It was only at nights in his sleep, did he talk. It wasn't anything sad or terrible. Mostly reminiscing about the good times.

I had a hard time saying much in these situations. I am the kind of person that I want to help and resolve issues. Being a bit of an IT networking guru at home and elsewhere, this issue was something I didn't know how to approach.

It was well outside anyone's ability to fix. They gave him a Biopsy in this time frame and got a lot more information about his condition. The tumor was on his motor cortex which explained his lack of motor functions.

This was when he was officially diagnosed with Glioblastoma Stage IV. After reading up on it. I become even more withdrawn and used college as a means to stay away from everyone.

I read up on this and knew that it wasn't going to end well. The family can hold on to their false hope, but the realist in me knew there there was no bouncing back from this as people think.

even so, I could not help but hope I was wrong. The conflict within me slowly started to affect my attitude toward everything.

Classes started to become dull...my hobbies started to not matter...nothing mattered. Sleeping was my only reprieve from the awful feelings I had.
Getting out of bed was basically all the energy I had anymore. My grades were slipping. I put on the happy face for the family.

Then Dad got worse. He was admitted to a hospice and I got a message that his condition was dire. The tumor had grown to effect other parts of his brain.

At this point...he wanted to say one thing to me. The only time he wanted to actually talk. He wanted me to take him home and he wanted me to stay for a few days.

I think he knew he was dying. It was obvious in everyday. He didn't want to be there in that hospice with some random nurses. I didn't know what to do expect to lie to him. I couldn't promise him that. His anger was always on the boiling point at this time as well...

After that conversation he went into his hallucinations.

"Who are you?"

Hearing that from him was probably more haunting than anything I could imagine.

I don't remember much from that point on. School, friends, life, it all began to seem so meaningless to me...

It was a Friday night I got the text that I thought I was prepared for.

Dad passed away last night...it was peaceful...

I probably read that text more times than I needed to. This was the inevitability I knew it was going to, but even I didn't want to hear it.
I skipped my classes that next week...I just couldn't anymore. Numb was pretty much all I felt.

The funeral arrangements were made...probably some sick twisted sense of humor mother nature had, he passed the week before Christmas...That was one of the most somber Christmas gatherings the family has ever had.

The funeral was the breaking point for me. Up to then, I could parented it never happened, but from everything I hid and more was All to lay bear.
Seeing him in the coffin was a tad overwhelming. It really does look like they are just sleeping. You could just wake them up.

My thoughts on this were frayed. Anxiety, stress, and possibly depression plagued me since and I just never knew how to talk about how I felt.
even after 2 almost 3 years coming up now, I still have some terrible habits for myself. I been more reclusive than ever. I just don't know how to be social anymore. I don't expect people to really want to hear my problems when they have their own.

At this point, I just exist now. The future is dull for me I don't have many things other than what is happening today and getting through another work week for the weekend. I can sleep all day when I don't have to be to work.
Bed is probably my only true friend now.

I am not sure if I am looking for help or what I need. I just wanted to share something and I don't know really.

[CANDC]

Hi GameGeek, Welcome to Psych Central. I am deeply sorry to hear of the loss and grief you are feeling that is making life very challenging. Have you considered a therapist or psychiatrist to talk things out or get med therapy? Many people respond to that.

There is also a volunteer therapist you can send a message to. Ask the Therapist

Glad you are part of our community. There are a lot of caring people here. Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Here are some articles on coping with grief
On Grief, Loss and Coping | Psych Central

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not been in your shoes so I don't know how it must feel. I do want to welcome you to PC, lean on us when you need to. It has helped me immensely.

[gamegeek4001]

Hello CANDC;

Thanks for the suggestions. I am one of those kinds of people that is more capable of helping others than myself. I am quite hypocritical. I never practice what I preach.

[gamegeek4001]

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not been in your shoes so I don't know how it must feel. I do want to welcome you to PC, lean on us when you need to. It has helped me immensely.

Thanks. It has been pretty destructive. Even more so since Christmas is coming around again and my anxiety over being pressured to see family again after so long is a bit much.