[vonmoxie]

I was at a funeral home the other day helping with an annual holiday event held for folks who've experienced a loss during the year, and picked up a little card that I could have benefited from much sooner -- but from which I believe I can still benefit, since closure doesn't occur on a schedule and I am indeed still mourning some most beloved souls I have known. I do wish I hadn't let people's surprise that I was "still" mourning after only a month shut down my feelings as I once did, because the complicated grief that can occur as a result of that kind of shutdown is just what it sounds like: much more complicated to recover from. As I've heard some say: to heal, you have to feel.

The bill of rights referenced on the card I picked up and which I'm finding helpful, in summary (a more detailed version is available here and is well worth checking out):

The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

My condolences and very best wishes to all who have been impacted by such a loss. von

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for this vonmoxie. I grew up in a very old extended family. I was an only child & the next youngest person to me was my mother. And she was middle age when I came along. I spent my entire youth going from one funeral to another as all of the relatives I was growing up with died off one-by-one. I don't know that I ever grieved for any of them. Back then, no one talked about such things as the grieving process. Death was just something inevitable that happened. You went to the wake. You went to the funeral. Sometimes there was a reception afterward. Then you went home & resumed doing whatever it was you were doing before. I've donated my body to the University of Minnesota Medical College.