[Fresia]

My mom died in November the day before Thanksgiving suddenly, aneurysm. We were all in such shock that we decided not to have a service but to wait until spring/summer to have a memorial/celebration of life gathering for her, which was her favorite time of year. It has been planned for 2 weeks from now.

At the time this was a really good decision. There is no way I could have faced anyone as I could barely leave the house. I was in such disbelief. I still have not been back to work yet. The shock wore off a few months ago, and the grief set in. It hasn't been until really recently that the crying spells are less frequent but I feel emotionally drained, almost numb if that makes any sense. I am just starting to function a bit and considering going back to work.

But there is her celebration of life memorial in a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to it one hand, to be surrounded by all the people that loved her, and to share memories and stories. I am not looking forward to it on the other hand as I am not a social person and concerned as to how this will affect things, whether it will help or hurt more, perhaps a little bit of both.

This is for my Mom, my best friend, but am not sure if I can do this; it is so overwhelmingly emotional, painful for our loss but yet joyous and lovely to think of who she was as a person. I can do this. I just need to remember to breathe and have tissues on hand for everyone.

[Skeezyks]

[Unrigged64072835]

I know from going to my mom's memorial service that it helped. I met a lot of people from her work (some I actually remembered) and it was good for all of us. I heard a lot of good stories and jokes (my mom had a wicked sense of humor). I think we all bonded a bit, at least for that period of time.

It's your choice though. I thought it helped me.

[CANDC]

Fresia,
Sounds like you have mixed emotions. Part of you wants to celebrate their life and part of you wants to protect yourself from more pain. These are natural reactions.

I missed the celebration of the life of a friend because it was so painful. I wish now I had just toughed it out. I guess I did what I could do then. For my Dad's funeral we planned a happy time right after where we went to a nice restaurant and had a meal. That kept us going through the teary eyed service. We got through that and then celebrated his life in a way he would have done.

[*Laurie*]

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your mom. It's no wonder you're numb. Losing your mom so suddenly was a terrible shock, I'm sure.

Please do your best to attend the memorial service. I've lost so many relatives over the years, including both parents, and the funeral or memorial service is always very hard, but ultimately very helpful.

[Fresia]

Thank you all for your insight and support. It means more than I can say.

I just got news from a long time, good friend of mine and of the family that she is able to come. Her support will be greatly appreciated. Many of the people coming I do not know; I know of them as they are from their past but they are strangers otherwise so to have a familiar person is providing me with a great sense of relief.

I finally started to take action to get ready for it, making the final preparations as I had hit a brick wall. I stopped functioning with regard to it. I have found everything now and gotten everything done including the videography and down to little silly details like some decorated simply but nicely tissue boxes. I figured we be needing tissues; I know I will, which I almost forgot. Mom would approve as she was very much the decorator down to the last detail, that was one of her things. I even got some waterproof mascara for the occasion that I have packed. I just need to get the dogs to the kennel and load the car, and will be ready to roll.

I guess my mantra will just have to be, "I can do this" and to remember to breathe. **sigh**

[cakeladie]

Freesia I complete understand and I get it. My dad didn't tell anyone his cancer was back. He thought he had time then collapsed and was taken to the hospital. That's when we were told he wasn't suppose to last the day. He told the doctor in duty he had not finished making arrangement and saying goodbye the doctor said I can try a few things but can't guarantee anything. That doctor gave us a few more months with my dad which I am very thankful for

I spent all the time I could with him only going home at night and back in the morning. He passed away on May 4th 2014. I went through the motions of living. My daughter was graduating the next month plus she was turning 18 but before that we had a very small memorial for my dad. He didn't want a big one with a lot of people. He also didn't want us spending money on a party afterwards

I can tell you this. I am a very social person most of the time but I was numb and really didn't want to speak to anyone. I sat and just stared at the walls of my house. I went through the motions of my daughter's graduation and her birthday party and we even went on a trip.

It will get easier but it will take some time. It's ok to be mad that your time with your mom has been cut short. But I found talking about and remembering the good times helps. One thing I loved hearing about is stories from my dad's coworkers and if they had a copy of a picture from work they brought it to me.

It's also ok to cry. My dad was my BFF he has always been there for me. When my husband left because our son was special needs my dad stepped right in. He went to every school meeting every hard doctors appointment every school function.

I find myself rereading his text messages. If I can get through this so can you. Do what your mom would want you to do and that is live.

Good luck and just know that there are people who completely understand what you are going through

Sending you positive healing vibes from California

[Fresia]

Thank you for your kind words and support. It brought tears to my eyes as I can appreciate what you are saying. I am sorry for your loss. My heart is with you.

I can also understand because my Dad was just diagnoses with stage 4 prostate cancer 2 months after Mom died. He had had symptoms but did not want to go to the doctor for fear of worrying my Mom. It is too late for him for treatment as it has metastasized everywhere. We do not have much time left him. This also haunts me these days bringing the tears. Trying to enjoy what time we have remaining with him. I will see him day after tomorrow and get to spend the week with him. I am looking forward to it and we will have each other for the memorial. I just pray that I don't have to plan another one anytime soon.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Fresia

Thank you for your kind words and support. It brought tears to my eyes as I can appreciate what you are saying. I am sorry for your loss. My heart is with you.

I can also understand because my Dad was just diagnoses with stage 4 prostate cancer 2 months after Mom died. He had had symptoms but did not want to go to the doctor for fear of worrying my Mom. It is too late for him for treatment as it has metastasized everywhere. We do not have much time left him. This also haunts me these days bringing the tears. Trying to enjoy what time we have remaining with him. I will see him day after tomorrow and get to spend the week with him. I am looking forward to it and we will have each other for the memorial. I just pray that I don't have to plan another one anytime soon.

I am sorry for your dad. What a brave act to hide things from your mom so she won't worry. But that must be so difficult for you to know about.

Thank you for empathizing with my situation. Your words buoy my spirit.

I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about with my dad. It helped because when with him my mind went blank. So we talked about fun times we had together. I tried not to bring up heavy stuff but I did try to support the positive things he did. I did the heavy stuff in my support group so as not to burden him.

[Fresia]

So her celebration of life memorial had a few hitches but overall the feedback was that it was really wonderful, touching, heartwarming, and lovely. Her good friends said that we did really well to honor her and it was exactly what she would have wanted, which was the best complement.

It was amazing that some of the people came from all over the country, since they have lived all over, including her college roommate from 50 years ago. This astounded me.

We had a moment that anyone could share particular memories or thoughts about her or to share for support; the stories I heard were incredible, some never known or another perspective that was terrific. There were tears of sadness and of joy, and laughter too.

The videography came out really well in the end. Had some hiccups with the projector getting it going with the laptop but it finally worked and was nice playing in the backgrund. It will be nice that the family will have this of her.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a day and it took its physical toll as well. My anxiety has never been higher. I stole some moments away to catch my breath with the panic attacks. However, it seemed not to be noticed.

In the end, I had flowers on the tables in mason jars, which she loved fresh flowers. I let everyone take one in remembrance, to celebrate her life and enjoy the life of the spring blooms that she so enjoyed. I also had pictures of her with a poem on the back that she liked and saved when her mother died.

All-in-all, it did feel more like a celebration of her than anything else and that is what I wanted for her.

Thank you for your support.
I truly almost didn't make it. I kept remembering your words as the days got closer and during the event when I wanted to run but didn't because of your insights and support.

It was important to do, glad made it through, and also glad that the event is over. Now just have to deal with the remaining grief but I have to say feel lighter-hearted afterward because of the the awesome memories that were shared and in knowing how lovely, precious and dear she was to me was just reinforced. I was lucky to have her as my Mom. I will always cherish her.

[CANDC]

Fresia, you did such a wonderful job making the memorial service a wonderful remembrance for all who attended. That is wonderful for you and for them. You get the reassuring feeling that you did the right thing and celebrated them in a memorial service.

You may have grief to deal with ongoing, but that is to be expected, but you did something that can never be undone: celebrating her life. That is such a milestone and something you can feel really good about for the rest of your life.

[*Laurie*]

I am so glad to hear that the memorial was beautiful. You did it, Fresia. BIG hugs.