[Armcrp1230]

So its gonna be a year since my father died unexpectedly and I am not handling it like I thought I would. I always thought when he finally died I would he happy because of how terrible he was to me. But thats not the case and I don't know what to do with all these unexplained emotions.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm so sorry things are difficult for you. I have no words, only hugs and thoughts, Cat

[CANDC]

Hi Armcrp1230. I am sorry to hear of the death of your dad. It is not easy no matter how the relationship is with him.

I did not see eye to eye with my dad so after he died I had to confront my hopes and dreams that were dashed. I could no longer hope to be the son he would accept as I am. We tried to make our peace but still there is separation. But now I can start letting go. Now I can just experience what happened from a new perspective. I do not want to carry this any longer so I am looking for ways to let go.

Hope you find a resolution even if it takes the guidance of a therapist, support group for survivors of abuse and or a grief support group.

[Armcrp1230]

I am trying really hard to get through this day its one year today. Its only 9 in the morning and I'm already struggling. I don't know what to do and nobody around me understands the pain I'm feeling and I don't expect them too I'm just feeling really alone and lost. And for someone with a suicidal background that is a bad combination. I just don't know.

[lizardlady]

Best advice I can give is to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. My emotions were all over the board when my abusive father died. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Personally I believe grieving the death of an abuser is extremely complicated.

[Armcrp1230]

That's a lot of my problem allowing myself to feel. I'm a suppressor. But I will try to let my guard down with even myself. Thank you lizardlady

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Armcrp1230

I am trying really hard to get through this day its one year today. Its only 9 in the morning and I'm already struggling. I don't know what to do and nobody around me understands the pain I'm feeling and I don't expect them too I'm just feeling really alone and lost. And for someone with a suicidal background that is a bad combination. I just don't know.

Oh no Armcrp1230. I am so sorry you are so upset. Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist or therapist about what is upsetting you so much?

If you have continuing suicidal thoughts, please consider forming a safety plan. There are ways to cope with these kinds of stress, like self care and having a safety plan in case you find yourself in a crisis of confidence. Here is more on a safety plan that includes numbers for crisis lines that serve your area. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...mental-health/

Here are crisis lines that can help you through crisis. http://psychcentral.com/lib/common-h...phone-numbers/

Many people here at PC who have gone beyond the immediate crisis, find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 approved posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST. This is a great way to meet people just as much as the forums. These are not a substitute for crisis support but can play an active role in the path to recovery.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com/

This may be of interest. https://psychcentral.com/lib/advice-...ic-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/lifesty...th-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing...ression/?all=1

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[cluelessgal]

I am so sorry for your loss.

TBH, sometimes, it's a lot harder to move on from loss of person when they were abusive. I don't know why that is....but I guess when a person dies....you slowly change the relationship in mind and re-remember it as a happy one. I think that's why past seems so "glorious" compared to present.

But when the departed person was abusive, there is very little positive to fall back to. Mind may feel guilty for disliking them....or regrets about what the relationship will never be....could be very complex reasons that may not get resolved with time, only by working on it.

If you feel like you are not getting better, why not try counseling?

[TerryL]

could it be that with the loss of your father, any chance, however slim, of having any kind of positive relationship or reconciliation or getting an apology from him, is gone?

i hope you are alright.