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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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#1
My partner of many years . . . the love of my life . . . died May 31 . . . at home in my arms. I had spent years caring for him.
At first I was very busy. I had episodes of intense mourning, but they got interrupted by all I had to do - traveling cross country with his body, etc. On June 22, I became almost hysterical with grief, sobbing uncontrollably and inconsolably . . . on the phone with a family member. I ended up being taken to an ER by a police officer, who was very nice. They sent me next day to a small psychiatric hospital. I was there 8 nights. Now I'm home and doing pretty well at the moment. I kind of thought-block when I find myself starting to dwell on losing him. His passing was expected and came 2 years after cancer diagnosis. I knew I would mourn when he was gone. I did not anticipate how severe the emotional pain would be. By June 23rd, I did not want to live anymore. Over the course of those 8 days, I went through an interior transformation. Staff were very nice to me. Fellow patients were very nice to me. Talking with each of them was like being thrown a series of life preservers. So I feel reasonably okay right now. Can anyone relate to any of this? My fear is that I might go down the rabbit hole again, sometime in the future, when some sentimental trigger - like the holiday season - gets me to feeling like I can't bear being without him. We had been a couple for a very long time. Last edited by CANDC; Jul 11, 2020 at 02:35 PM.. |
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*Beth*, CANDC, Discombobulated, Gasplessy, Raindropvampire, rechu, TerryL, TishaBuv, Travelinglady, TunedOut, zapatoes, ~Christina
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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13 5,369 hugs
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#2
i don't know why that stupid emoji is before my thread title
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CANDC, Travelinglady, TunedOut
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TunedOut
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
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Location: Northeast USA New England
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#3
Rose76, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your SO. They must have been such a big part of your life for you to have so much emotion after their passing.
This lists many articles about coping with grief. Coping with Grief | Psych Central Perhaps one of them may be of interest to you. Five Coping Skills You Need to Work Through Grief Sorry somehow the icon was selected down the bottom of your post and I took it off . You say that you fear that you may have a re-occurrence of the dark feelings you experienced after their passing. If you ever find yourself in crisis, these links may be a help to you. Get crisis help online right now via chat: CrisisChat - Home On your smartphone: Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling Or through a telephone call: Lifeline http://www.suicide.org/ http://www.hopeline.com/ http://www.suicideforum.com/ I have felt the emptiness of losing a loved one and it is not something easy to get through. One thing I had to do was change the focus of my life and reinvent my self concept since much of my pain was wrapped up in that relationship. I did find a grief support group and talking to a therapist helped me find a new life. Call your insurance company if you need a referral or check their website. Hope you get the support you need. @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Rose76, TunedOut
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Rose76, TunedOut
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: usa
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#4
hi rose, i really am so sorry for your loss. you were so devoted to you s.o. you must miss him so much.
the first year after a loss is so difficult. and everything they say about grief is true. it will come in waves, and there will be triggers, often out of the blue and at the oddest times and you might feel no one understands. but many do. just keep reaching out and posting your feelings. forums and hotlines and even people irl who reached out to me were so helpful when i lost my loved ones. my pets and my mother were my whole world and when they died, i felt so lost and alone. i remember being at the doctor's office and having to fill out a form and when it came to who they should contact in case of an emergency, no one immediately came to mind. the loneliness was indescribable. i know of some women who still miss their long-departed husbands. but our pain has softened. i wish there was an easier way. i am glad your time in the hospital was so nurturing. i hope one day that hole in your heart will be healed. what a wonderful step you took in having your place cleaned. my thoughts are with you. |
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CANDC, Rose76
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Rose76
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#5
I have a partial understanding of what you are going through because of two deaths effecting my FOO. You may go in and out of the rabbit hole but as time goes by, hopefully, it will happen less often.
I am going through a different kind of challenge and told my church this week. They were able to connect me to someone with life experiences that are well matched to my challenges. That I know I am in their prayers has given me a lift. Have you considered joining a church or another type of group (I know many have mentioned there are grief groups and that you are looking into that)? Perhaps a local mental health group could be another option. We are always glad to listen. I think it helps to talk and post. |
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CANDC, Rose76
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Rose76
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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#6
Thank you all above for your kind and sensitive posts. My right arm is impaired and just typing this is hard. So I have to do less posting. I appreciate your suggestions. Will follow up on them.
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CANDC, Travelinglady, TunedOut
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TunedOut
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,456
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#7
Grief one day at a time by Alan Wolfelt. It’s daily readings book. I find it useful in times of sadness. I mean it’s not a jolly book but it has a bit of daily wisdom and I like it. Got it on Amazon
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Rose76, TunedOut
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*Beth*, CANDC, Rose76, TunedOut
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Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: in a house
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#8
Hi Rose76,
I'm sorry for your loss. Grief takes a lot of different forms. Many times it is such a powerful emotion that in the beginning our minds protect us from the depth of the emotion. Essentially, we are in shock, and we are functional. After a period of time, the shock wears off and we feel the grief in one huge blow. After that it tends to still be really difficult but it will come and go. Some people describe it like being tossed around by waves until you are deposited on the beach for a brief respite before being grabbed by the ocean again. Other people have described it like a rollercoaster, and still other people have described it as feeling bi-polar. Eventually, given enough time, you will notice that the highs are less high and the lows are less low, and the time between the waves of grief get longer apart. Be gentle with yourself. When things get to be too much, just remember to breath and break time down into nanoseconds. Also, remember to eat and drink water, as we tend to forget to take care of ourselves. |
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Rose76, Travelinglady, TunedOut
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CANDC, Rose76, TunedOut
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
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#9
Other widows can be your best support and can give you advise. And yes, there are lots of books on grief. I know that must be hard. I dread dying after my hubby.
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Rose76, TunedOut
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Rose76, TunedOut
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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#10
Thank you all. I'm doing okay.
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CANDC, Raindropvampire, TunedOut
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Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
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Location: Tennessee
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#11
Rose I am so very sorry for your loss
I am glad you were with each other in the end... Grief is awful but take it day by day, hour by hour if need be and if your not okay reach out for help __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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Rose76
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Rose76
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Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
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#12
Rose, your kindness and caring to your SO was always so inspirational to me. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your grief, and I'm very glad you are still with us.
You are truly a saint in my eyes. Please keep coming back here as much as your arm will allow and stay connected. We all want to support you. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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Rose76
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Rose76
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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13 5,369 hugs
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#13
I am deeply moved that fellow members of PC have taken this much interest in my situation and continued this long in their support of me. It is beyond what I thought possible or likely from peers on an online support group. Thank you - all of you - for your kind and encouraging posts. You understand so much.
seesaw - I have to correct your impression that I am a saint. I am not. Yes, I did a lot for my s.o. - probably more than most wives do for terminally ill husbands. Our circumstances were somewhat unusual. He was quite elderly. I was almost 18 years younger than him and had worked as a caregiver all my life, from age 17, mostly caring for elders. My skill set (from being a nurse's aid and then a nurse) happened to correspond beautifully to exactly what he needed in a caregiver. Most men his age have spouses who are, themselves, too old to do what I was still capable of doing. Most women my age would have had jobs to go to and other family commitments, like caring for their own parents and helping with grandchildren. I went on SSDI 7 years ago because depression was undermining my ability to have a career. That was right at the time that he was starting to need help with self-care. After losing a series of jobs, it was rewarding to me to still be able to practice my "trade" in the context of caring for just one person. I was lonely, and being with him felt better than sitting alone in my own apartment. I suffered from recurrent mood swings that he was tolerant of. We kind of met each other's needs. Our relationship was turbulant. (That's why we had separate apartments.) We got angry at each other a lot, but we had this long history of always making up and somehow staying "in love." (He was a great apologizer. He always could manage to smooth my ruffled feathers.) Emotionally, I was probably more dependent on him than he was on me. I can be difficult - to put it mildly - but he always saw past that to whatever it was in me that he loved. I was steadfast in caring for him because he was steadfast in loving me. Emotionally, he could easily move past hard feelings and quickly return to a positive frame of mind. Unlike me, he didn't dwell on hurts or grievances. For him each day was brand new and unblemished by whatever antagonism had existed the day before. I tend to hold on to hard feelings and get "stuck" in the mire of negativity when things don't go my way. He was naturally a cheerful person. I'm a chronic depressive. I loved being in the sunshine of his presence. Enduring my mood swings would try the patience of a saint. We nurtured each other in the way we each needed. He was a great hugger. I was free to leave him anytime I felt like it . . . and no one would have faulted me. But I was always drawn to being with him because that was where my soul could best warm itself when it was chilled by those frosty winds that frequently blew through my interior world. It was he who had the saintly ability to not only forgive, but to utterly forget, my harsh words and ill-temper, once a quarrel was past. He told me one time that a nurse caring for him in the hospital asked him, "Is your girlfriend cranky?" (She wasn't the first to make that observation.) He said that he told her I was "actually very nice." My own dear mother would have begged to differ. His response to that nurse surprised me. He knew my faults as well as anyone did. But he felt they were outweighed by my virtues. I was touched to find that he thought so well of me. In his eyes I appeared as the person I wished I was. That's not who I always was. He thought I was beautiful, inside and out. It's wonderful to be thought of that way. If I gave a lot to him, it was because I got a lot from him. Even now I still feel warmed by the high regard he had for me . . . by how much he believed in me. He seemed to think that I hung the moon. He believed I could fix anything. I was moved to try and justify that faith he had in me. |
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Anonymous445852, CANDC, divine1966, Open Eyes, rechu, TunedOut, unaluna, ~Christina
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CANDC, divine1966, rechu, TunedOut, unaluna
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,456
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#14
What a beautiful post Rose.
Care giving for loved ones could be overwhelming and could feel thankless at times but that’s love and it’s very true that it wasn’t just you taking care of him. It was him taking care of you too, even if not in the same way or manner. Hugs |
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Rose76
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Rose76, unaluna
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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#15
Quote:
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CANDC, divine1966
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
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Location: Northeast USA New England
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#16
Rose, thanks for your candid, self revealing post about yourself and your relationship.
Sometimes we stay together because it is where life leads us. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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divine1966
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Rose76
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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#17
I woke up at 3:30 a.m. This is happening most nights. Now I can't go back to sleep. I feel very alone in my apartment. I feel anxiety over knowing I will be alone from now on. I will be waking up to aloneness from here on in. I feel sad about that.
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CANDC, Open Eyes
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
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Location: Northeast USA New England
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#18
Quote:
I find if I do body scan or other attention exercise, I can usually go back to sleep. Here is one possible body scan: Jon Kabat Zinn Body Scan Meditation GUIDED MEDITATION Loving Kindness Meditation __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,448
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13 5,369 hugs
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#19
Thank you. I am going to try that. It might help calm down my anxiety when that gets too bad.
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CANDC
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