The 5, 7, and 12 Stages of Grief

downandlonely · 12:50 PM

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Originally Posted by SprinkL3

The Stages of GRIEF

I googled "grief stages" and then did some more digging, and I found out that there are more than 5 stages of grief. I once took a thanatology course in high school back in the 1990s. They only had 5 stages of grief back then. Then there were 7 more recently. Now there are apparently 12 stages of grief, too.

The original 5 Stages of Grief (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross):
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

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The 7 stages of grief is another popular model. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross added on to her 5 stage model to encompass a wider range of emotions. Her expanded understanding came through years of working with the terminally ill.

1.

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Shock and Denial: This is the stage of disbelief and perhaps numbed feelings.

2.

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Pain and Guilt: Your loss feels unbearable. You may feel that you are burdening other people in your feelings of grief.

3.

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Anger and Bargaining: You may fly off the handle at those around you. Bargaining with God that you’ll do anything to change the outcome of this situation.

4.

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Depression:Feelings of loneliness and isolation are common in this phase. Trying to process the plight you are undertaking could be consuming you.

5.

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The Upward Turn: At this point, the other stages you have gone through tend to soften. You may have gained some measure of control over the shock and anger you’ve been feeling.

6.

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Reconstruction and Working Through: Learning to live differently is starting to come together. You may be working towards new goals, making new friends, and moving on with your life.

7.

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Acceptance and Hope: This stage doesn’t really end your grief. It is more than likely that you will feel some form of grief for the rest of your life. Acceptance and hope mean you are in the process of moving forward. You can see a future for yourself.

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12 Stages of the Grieving Process
Remember that these are not in a sequential order but rather in order of how many mourners slowly come to terms with loss.

1. Healing takes place over time.
You must allow yourself the time to heal. It is a long journey and one that can’t be rushed. Giving yourself the time you need you help in the recovery process.

2. Grief is universal yet distinctive.
Everyone feels grief at some point, yet everyone feels grief differently. The same, yes, but also different. This is important to keep in mind. Don’t let anyone tell you how you “should” be feeling. This is a personal journey.

3. Shock is the prelude to the grieving process.
Shock is often your very first response. When you go into shock, you feel numb. This is your body’s way of protecting you.
The depth and length of this stage can vary. The biggest factors are the degree of the relationship, cause of death, and whether it was a sudden or unexpected death.

4. Grief can cause depression.
You will experience bouts of depression and sadness during the grieving process. This is normal.
Reach out to your support group. Often this is friends and family, but it can even be a chat room of strangers. Talking about your grief will help you work through the depression stage.

5. Grief can cause health problems.
Grieving may cause you to neglect your own health. Watch out for this, and do your best to avoid it.
Keep up a healthy lifestyle of exercise, good nutrition, and sleep routines. If you are having serious health symptoms, it is imperative to seek medical attention ASAP.

6. You might panic.
Panic is another completely normal part of the grief process. Don’t let it overtake your day to day routine.
Panic may include worrying over bills, your future, or facing the unknown. Learning to accept help from others is a good way for you to begin work on this stage.

7. Grief can cause guilt.
You and your loved one may have had unresolved issues, or perhaps you blame yourself for the death. We all have regrets in life but shouldn’t allow them to grow out of proportion.
Talking with someone can be a great way to ease your feelings of guilt. Start by talking to friends and family, and if necessary see a professional counselor. They are trained and ready to provide help for this exact situation.

8. Grief can cause anger.
You want to blame someone for your loss. The questions of: “Why him?” “Why me?” “How can this be happening?” may never be answered.
These unanswered questions can be so frustrating. Instead of continually returning to these unanswerable questions, the way forward is to learn to to accept what has happened and grow through it.

9. Grief causes intense emotions.
Your emotions will be in turmoil after the death of a loved one. Feelings can be overwhelming and will come in waves. You will suffer highs and lows throughout this journey. You need to figure out constructive ways to vent.

10. Grief causes a lack of direction and purpose.
You may find that normal activities are impossible to accomplish. Daydreaming may become a favorite pastime. You can find yourself thinking about the past and about the future that will never be.
Practice being grateful for your memories and understand that they are a treasured and valued part of your story. At the same time, you will find comfort in discovering a renewed purpose for your future.

11. Hope brings healing. And vice versa.
It will take time and resolution, but eventually, you will see improvement. Your life will take on new meaning. You will begin to establish new relationships and treasure of old relationships. Memories will bring comfort and not sorrow.
For encouragement, remember examples from other’s grief and how they survived.

12. Acceptance means that your loss has changed you, but you have not been defeated by it.
As you learn to cope with the loss and come to terms with your grief, you will discover new strengths within yourself. This experience has changed you, and you’ve grown stronger through it.
You can begin to visualize the future with confidence. Be proud of yourself; you are overcoming the hardest thing in life!

Can you relate to any of the stages of grief mentioned above?

I relate to the guilt. I feel a lot of guilt over everything (possibly my Catholic upbringing).

When we lost a member of this forum who I spoke to every day, I felt guilty that when she was in the hospital I gave up hope that she would survive. She did not survive, and somehow I knew that would be the case.

SprinkL3 · Jan 07, 2022, 11:22 AM

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Originally Posted by downandlonely

I relate to the guilt. I feel a lot of guilt over everything (possibly my Catholic upbringing).

When we lost a member of this forum who I spoke to every day, I felt guilty that when she was in the hospital I gave up hope that she would survive. She did not survive, and somehow I knew that would be the case.

(((( @downandlonely )))) - survivor's guilt is real, and now the new DSM will probably also have prolonged grief disorder among their list of mental disorders for insurance providers to code, diagnose, and treat.

I've had a Catholic upbringing as well. I feel survivor's guilt all the time - though it's better some days than others. It's hard to deal with that guilt when there aren't many therapists to treat complicated, complex grief let alone prolonged grief (a relatively new disorder, even though NOT a new phenomenon).

Social support - the kind that isn't toxic, pushy, or invalidating - truly helps those who are grieving over losses.

I lost a friend to Covid. I knew him for over 20 years. He died before vaccines were invented. I didn't do enough to engage with him. He also didn't believe in masks or social distancing, so that contributed to his death. He left behind a now widowed wife, who survived.

I sometimes feel like I could have said or did something to change the outcome, but such is what survivor's guilt does - think and ruminate about all the ifs. There's no concrete answer - if integrity even has a role - to say whether or not the outcome could have changed. The best we can do is to be honest with our grief, be grateful to the life we still have, and make improvements as we move forward in life. That's all we really can do.

From your experience, it sounds like even if you had hope in her surviving, she still probably would not have survived. It wasn't your fault, though sometimes our survivor's guilt will emphasize that it was. There are times when people's actions could have changed the outcome, but in your case, it is unlikely that anything you said, did, or believed would have changed that outcome. It's sad facing that reality because it brings us to this vulnerable place, this powerless place we would rather not go - especially when grieving.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

(((hug)))

downandlonely · Jan 07, 2022, 10:42 PM

Thanks @SprinkL3

Logically, I know you're right and that nothing I did could have changed the outcome. Sometimes it's hard getting the irrational part of my brain to realize that though.

SprinkL3 · Jan 07, 2022, 11:20 PM

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Originally Posted by downandlonely

Thanks @SprinkL3

Logically, I know you're right and that nothing I did could have changed the outcome. Sometimes it's hard getting the irrational part of my brain to realize that though.

I'm in the same boat with my irrational parts of my brain.

You're not alone in the struggle.

CANDC · Jan 12, 2022, 10:27 AM

Thanks for sharing @SprinkL3 . I had not seen the 7 and 12 stages of grief. I saved that for reading again soon.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

nonightowl · Jan 22, 2022, 12:16 PM

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Originally Posted by CANDC

Thanks for sharing @SprinkL3 . I had not seen the 7 and 12 stages of grief. I saved that for reading again soon.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

I never heard this before either and it sounds much more realistic. It validates what I have been feeling for so long. I knew of the famous 5 stages, though for years I thought it was linear.

It’s certainly more thorough and accurate to have 7 or 12 stages as 5 seems oversimplified for me.

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