[therealme]

its been 2 years in june, but i cant come to terms with my dads death.
he was a fun going chap without a bad bone in his body, he didnt understand my mental health but he tried.
used to see him every day, he would pop down for a cup of tea, untill covid.
when covid started to run rampant he was worried about catching it, he went to the doctor and was first diagnosed with high blood preassure and they had some tests done, turned out the results showed a shadow on his kidney.
the doctor mentioned the c word. that was all dad heard, from that day on it was like he gave up.
my wife and myself would take him to his hospital appointments, watching him get thinner and weaker each time we saw him, it was so hard to take him to an appointment for him to tell the nurse that he had messed himself.
the last time a saw my dad saw on the 11th june 2020, when i was called up to my parents house as he had fallen out of bed, he pleaded with me to help him up, but i thought i knew best and rang the ambulance, while all the time he was screaming at me to pick him up.
i will never forget the hurt and pain on his face , if i could go back and do it again i would of lifted him back into his bed.
well that was the last day i saw my dad alive, he died in the early morning of the 12th june 2020.
i was called up to his house on that morning and was asked to do cpr on him by the 999 operator but it was no point he was cold and stiff.

as im the oldest i have had to be strong for my brothers and sisters.

but like i said that was 2 years ago, i still blame myself for not lifting him, my dad died thinking i never cared enough to help him when he needed me, till this day ive not been able to cry, because im not worthy of forgivness .
but if i had a second chance i would do it so different.

[loren1975]

My god that is horrible. I am so sorry. I am sure that your dad would not want you to torture yourself so.
I had something similar happen with my dad. To this day I wish we would of just brought him home to die but we were thinking maybe he would get better. Maybe we would have a little more time.

Its been over 20 years now and I still think about it but I do know he loved me and would not want me to keep hurting myself over that decision.
Please try and let it go. We do the best we can. If your decision was not done out of any kind of malice, which I am sure it was not, what else can we expect. We have no crystal ball. We cant go back and have a redo. You are just human doing the best we can in this life.

[CANDC]

@therealme that sounds like it is so sad for you. Seeing a parent decline is not easy. I wanted to help my dad but all we could do is be there for him and visit when we could. I felt guilt for a long time. Finally I came to a point of realizing I did the best I could under the circumstances. That is all anyone can do.

[therealme]

What makes it worse is my mental health team are ghosting me, i was ment to have a telephone appointment today and it never happened.
They offered me grief counselling back in November but that hasnt come to anything.
At the moment i am struggling with suicidal thoughts not just because of the loss of my dad but with the other health issues.
All i can do is think the british mental health team think im beyond help, im not sure where to look for help. Apart from msf.

[CANDC]

@therealme I am in US but some people have told me they do not get the kind of care they hope for in NHS. I am sorry to hear that. Health issues can really affect our moods. Keep us up to date as to what is happening.

You are not alone. Everyone is facing crises these days. I do not want to list all the ones I am aware of but I keep hearing about people that are suffering.

I found when I read a book Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl that I was not alone in my suffering. He lost his family in the holocaust and barely survived himself and dedicated his life to help people find more meaning in life. his story taught me that even in the worst situations, we can still find meaning in our lives. It still comes back from time to time as a silent reminder of what courage is about.

Don't give up. We only have to cope with 1 second at a time. That is all we need to do.

[RoxanneToto]

I’m sorry, therealme. We are here for you; for one thing, I’d love to go kick your mental health team’s butts into gear!

[TerryL]

hi therealme, you said when your dad had fallen out of bed, you felt it was best to call the ambulance instead of picking him up. your dad could have broken a bone or his back during the fall and your instinct told you not to try to move him yourself. you did what you felt was right at the time. so please don't feel bad about this.
i too felt guilty after my mom passed, things i should have done or not done but i eventually realized she would not want me to be unhappy, and i was able to let the guilt go. do it for your dad. many hugs.

[therealme]

thank you all for your replies not that i think im worthy of your kind words.........

RoxanneToto the offer to kick my mental health teams butts is one i may take you up on. but i fear cornwall is a long way to travel to do this lol