Really struggling 6 months after my mom's passing

The consensus of all of the books, blogs, and articles that I read plus the YouTube videos I watch about how grief affects people has led to these facts:

• Higher risk for negative outcomes that includes depression, anxiety, PTSD, low self esteem, addictions, job loss, relationship loss
• I can't deal with people who complain about their living parents around me anymore.
• I can feel my grief physically too now b/c grief effects me physically as well as my appetite
• I'm sad 24/7; online grief support is ok but not really helping me move forward
• I have lost my identity and don't know who I am anymore
• My emotional state of mind is multi-layered with grief
• My sister and brother and I are almost complete strangers now (we were never emotionally attached to begin with, and my sister and brother are emotionally attached with each other but triangulate me so I'm never included in their vacations with each other or their children's events)
• I still want to call my mom and talk to her every day like I used to.
• Life is short. I can't make anymore excuses because I don't know when my time will come.
• I still want to make my mom proud of me although she's gone forever
• I have no interest in wasting time on superficial acquaintance relationships with people anymore

Grief is really like nothing else. I totally hear you. I lost my mom 4 years ago after relentless battle with cancer. Pain never really goes away. Just takes a different form. We just have to live with it. I know how you feel. It effects every aspect of your life on the most profound level

Oh I absolutely want to call my mom daily and sometimes I totally forget she’s not around

Sending you many hugs

Sorry to read about your mom's passing, divine1966. How did you get through the first 4 years without your mom? How do you get through life now?

Grief is very painful and never goes away and we just learn to adjust to it, which is surreal. At least I have a handful of voicemails and cellphone videos of my mom, to watch and listen to. I had a cassette tape of my dad's voice but I can't find it.

I guess I just keep on living?

The first year was bad for number of reasons. To be honest my brother snd I couldn’t properly grieve. Our dad is a pain on a normal day but he went totally nuts after mom died and the first year was so bad dealing with him. There was also lots of issues with him when she was sick so it made everything terrible. And she was too young to die. Stupid cancer.

Sometimes it helps to think that my mom wouldn’t want us to mope around. She wasn’t a moper so she’d like to know that we are doing ok.

It gets better with time. But then things happen and I break down. When my grandson was born after initial happiness I started crying hysterically because I remembered my mom will never meet him. My daughter was the closest with her out of all grandkids. My mom would be so excited to see him.

Sorry for hijacking your post. Just no matter the circumstances of it we are just never ready to lose our moms. And it just comes and goes in waves

Amazon.com

I have this book of short passages grief one day at a time . It seems to be relevant and perhaps somewhat helpful

I don’t have anything useful to add but just want to say I read this and sending gentle hugs. You express yourself very well, it’s understandable you’re feeling this way given the importance of this relationship in your life.

Thanks you guys for responding to my post. It's been 6 months and it's still difficult to accept that she's really gone and that the family I have left, don't care about me at all (or, ever did). I guess when both parents die, that creates a vacuum afterward and whatever family relationships are strained or close will continue to be that way. Before my parents deaths, my siblings and I were never emotionally attached properly (due to both of our parents' own emotional neglect on us, their children, and on each other during their marriage).

My sister and brother bonded emotionally and have always, always triangulated me and treated me like I didn't exist. When our mom died, my sister lied to me about her life insurance and even when I asked for the financial breakdown, she lied about it. She was the power of attorney so I have no legal recourse there, as the life insurance money is spent.

I know too, that my sister and brother took their families on a "grief" vacation together after our mom died and discluded me. I found out through my sister's children by accident when they spoke about it. I wanted to confront my sister about it, but decided not to. I mean, what is the point? She'd deny it, and deflect by accusing me of being nosy, to deflect from her lies.

Knowing that I am truly alone, family-wise, that my siblings want nothing to do with me, that I have no spouse or children of my own (to help act as a buffer for my grief and give me a feeling of community), I feel very abandoned and alone. Of course, I know this is a normal response to my circumstances. The grief books speak about sibling estrangement after a parent's death.

Yet, just because it's deemed normal in fine print, doesn't make it feel better. It's just another layer of grief that I have to overcome now. I have to grief the loss of my entire family.

The scapegoat role that I was labeled as a child, sticks with me, with my siblings, my cousins, and our mom's surviving sister and brother. No one wants anything to do with me (this is not new, of course, they ignored my existence prior to my mom's death). So, it's hard to see reality after the dust of my mom's funeral has settled. Knowing that there are people whom I'm related to, who couldn't care less about me.

As a 52 year old single adult, that's a little scary from a practical point of view. I have no one to help me with any problems (financial, health, social, spiritual). Sure, there are community resources, volunteer organizations, churches, state and federal programs. That just means I have to find which of their 'boxes' of income and other criteria that I need to fit inside, to qualify for their assistance.

It feels taxing on my nervous system to have to live daily in 'survival mode.' I don't think my Cortisol levels or my menopausal hormones can take it, ongoing. I need to create a structure for myself with daily routines and nutrition (all the free resources exist: books on nutrition at the library about menopause, grief, nutrition etc.).

My temp job is a little triggering because it's a front desk role at a low income apt complex, where case workers work with the tenants who come from prison, homelessness, DA and AA, to offer that tenant services, rent credit, therapy and group therapy and general emergency assistance as long as they remain tenants of the building.

I can see this type of living arrangement for myself in my future and that scares the hell out of me. You qualify to live here if you've been homeless for a year and you have to be on a waiting list. And, if you're homeless, you have to come physically to the building to ask the property managers if you'r name was selected for a room since the county can't mail homeless people a letter confirming their tenancy is approved.

I'm educated but unemployed and doing temp work to make ends barely meet. I can't control the recruiters or hiring managers hiring decisions. The only control that I have is what I write on my resume, and how I present myself in job interviews and follow up communication. It's all very emotionally exhausting.

I could look for a roommate situation but not sure living with women my age is plausible. I mean, would we all bite each other's heads off? If it comes to it, I will do it. But right now, I'd rather just live alone.

I can always put in my 2 month notice and find a cheaper apartment to move into. That's my first thought. I may do that. I'm giving myself another 6 months to find a full-time job before I put my 2 month notice in to move to a cheaper apartment.

Grieving is hard. Your identity literally changes and no one ever speaks about those changes and how they impact your entire life in long-term and short-term ways. As though speaking about death is taboo.

I miss my mom.

I can relate to so much of what you said. My parents have been gone for years, but it wasn't until recently I found out what a dysfunctional family I came from and that I had emotional neglect. I didn't even know it had an official name.

It's been over a year now that I'm dealing with legal $hit regarding our parent's Trust. My "brother" really screwed me over; we've been estranged for decades and haven't spoken a word in 4 years. A couple of times I tried to reconcile with him but was met with just hostility. He's yelled at me, hung up on me, and misled me on some legal issues. I think it was on purpose but the lawyer says intent is almost impossible to prove. We were never close, and it could have been due to the age difference. Still, after our parents passed, the rift is now wider than the ocean between continents. Sometimes it brings people closer, sometimes the opposite happens.

I too found out this kind of thing is common, estrangement over wills and inheritance. But it's just a small comfort. I'm trying to find out why this is so, why it brings out the worst (or best) in people. Though my sibling screwed me over, my parents weren't angels either. They acted like I was never born when it came to their final years and medical instructions. They gave him the house, their cars, all their stuff, and his name is on so many documents. But not mine, except one.

The cemetery doesn't even have me listed as next of kin. My dad and sibling laid mom to rest without me, and my sibling laid dad to rest without me.

My parents were both emotionally distant people so I don't know what kind of marriage that could have been. They were both tight lipped about their own parents and siblings, so I knew something was amiss. And neither of them were on good terms with their own siblings.

I agree with you about layers of grief. The "normal" process is more than enough, then add on unfair and unequal treatment, which I find out years after the fact.

I'm 61 and "not old enough" for most "senior" assistance. They put so many requirements on what little safety nets we have that just qualifying is tough. The US has such an embarrassing and scary safety net. Society expects us to have a built-in support network, be it emotional or financial.

Speaking of death in our culture seems so taboo. There's a denial about it, yet it's universal.

I once went to this non-profit that was supposed to match roommates (or housemates, that is renting from a homeowner). They found nothing for me, as I expected. And they did it as a month-to-month which scares me $hitless. The homeowner could kick you out in a mere 30 days. And it's their right!

Nobody cares for me either. My building isn't neighborly at all and has a high turnover. No real friends except one out of state. I can see myself living the way you mentioned too, as having a lack of a support system.

Christ, even in 2020 when not only COVID hit, we had a contentious election, BLM movement, looting and violence, etc. And my so-called brother never even checked on me. Unfortunately I have no other siblings as a buffer or ally or anything. No other relatives either.

Just wanted to post all that, that I can relate to so much of what you say. And I agree that you're very articulate.

I hope it won't always be this way for us and others like us.

I know the word "orphan" usually refers to kids, but without parents I feel like one.

I too have no interest in superficial or casual "friends" or relationships. It's not that I'm not open to it BUT I won't be the one to look for them. Besides, all close friends start out as acquaintances first, and as strangers before that. I no longer expect anything to develop from these casual relationships. I've been burned way too many times.

I have experienced and/or still experience all of the many things you listed, Motts. And it really does affect us physically and of course mentally. Sending hugs to you.

@nonightowl, yes. I totally relate to the feeling of being an orphan, even as I am 52 years old. I hear many people even older than me talking about their parents and siblings and though I am happy they still have those relationships, it does cause me some pain not having them myself.

It's been just over 2 years since my Mom's passing. I wish you strength & peace

Six months is not long. I can understand that you feel like you have no one now. My family is getting smaller and smaller, so I can concerned even now. Hang in here. We can certainly be a kinf of family. We do care....

Thank you Traveling lady. I was crying in my car on my way home tonight, speaking aloud, "I just want my mom" while sobbing loudly. I miss her despite our contenious mother-daughter relationship. I have no one. Just me. My two kittens. You hang in there too. I'm sorry you are going through the exact same situation too. We are all family here. Thank you for your virtual hug too. Virtual or physical, a hug is a symbol of public empathy and support. I definitely appreciate it.