[lostandlonely]

I am almost 40, and as each year passes I feel more and more lonely and depressed. I have been out of a long term relationship for six years now yet it feels like yesterday. I still dream of him and wake up depressed. He married shortly after we broke up and is happy. Why can't I be? I feel regret as I was the one that ended things. At the time it didn't feel right in my heart. Now after spending so many years alone and the few times I have dated have been traumatic, I wish I would have just married him. At least I would be with someone and have a family, and he was a good person. I hate myself for being the person I am. If I was just simple I would have married him and wouldn't be feeling so lonely today. Now I feel I will never marry or have kids despite how badly I want to. I haven't had sex in years, but it's not about the sex. I want love...to feel love and give love. My heart is so ready to love someone but there is no one out there for me. I'm convinced I am doomed. This happened once before...in my early 20s I met a man who wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready. Twice now I have been in love with the wrong men or the right men at the wrong time. Now I am older, not as pretty or thin and can't meet any decent available men. I feel nothing but regret and loss. I feel like I've been twice divorced but at almost 40 have never been married. Men who do meet me think it's weird that I've never been married or have no kids. I don't know how to stop dreaming of the past, regretting my decisions to let these men go, and live with the reality that I am alone. I don't know how to feel less hopeless as I live with the daily dread of knowing I go to bed alone and wake up alone every day. I fear that I will always be alone, that my parents will never see me get married, and that one day I will die alone. I am overwhelmed with grief, and then when a dream of my ex comes out of nowhere it sets me really far back. I have been on meds for depression but it doesn't take away the pain in my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so empty. Back then I had someone in my life and my life was more full even though I didn't feel truly in love enough to marry him. I did him a favor but why am I still suffering so? Why can't I find love like so many others in the world do? I thought it was the right decision not to marry someone just to be married but wait for true love, but now I feel I made a bad decision or that true love doesn't exist for everyone including me, and now I am alone forever. Help!

[healing380bw]

Marrying someone you no longer love to avoid loneliness,hurting them, etc, is to cause yourself great repurcussions. I married a gal in 1963 that I no longer was in love with, and it destroyed my life. The conflicts I felt, the guilt, and the faking of emotion, seriously affected me psychologically. I was as depressed as one can get. Two young children, a boy and a girl, and a job that took so much energy from me, completed my disaster. It eventually was discovered that I was bipolar. I had to leave my marriage in its 7th year, and was divorced in its 10th year. I have NO relationship at all with my children(their choice), or my ex-wife. My grief over the loss of my children's love and respect doesn't leave me completely. Seeing parents and grandparents with youngsters eats away at me, esp during "the holidays". To conclude, professing love you don't feel cheats you AND your partner. You because you don't have the person you really want, and your partner by not getting what they may think they are obtaining. I will continue with this topic if you wish, later. I have to leave to leave for an appointment. In love, honesty is an essential part. leontheo1@ verizon.net