hating myself

I am never this open about myself and this is hard to even put here but I feel so bad I do not know what else to do. I realize that no matter how bad we feel we really need to think before we speak especially when we hurt. There is the chance you can never make ammends for the severly negative comments.

One of my abusers....my brother died very early Monday morning. Feel like a total piece of crap. Loved him b\c he was my brother we did have good times and of course some very bad and traumatic ones for me. When he arrived in the ER Friday night they said he could hear us. His brain was fine. I said something very wrong but felt so right at the moment. I told him I hoped he died. As I spent pretty much the entire weekend there watching him go down hill what i said ate at me b\c I realized what I said deep in my heart I did not mean. Mind you this is the first time I have had any meaningful contact with him in 10 years. As he went down hill and finally realized his brain was gone as a family it was decided that we did not want the shell of him to just lay there and had them remove all life sustaining efforts they had going. SO allI could think of at that point was me telling him I hoped he died. Now I took the time to say goodbye actually several times before the removal off all meds and machines. I kissed him and told him I loved him. He was NOT there he was brain dead. I have to now live with the fact that the last thing I told my brother who inspite of what he had done that the last words he heard from his only sister were.....I HOPE YOU DIE. Right now honestly I feel like I wish we were in opposite positions. He did not deserve the last words he could hear from me no matter what he did to be that. I am sure I will hear that I was in pain and after all I deserve the feelings I have. But he was in pain and getting ready to diie and I can not change this horrible thing I DID.

((((((((((((((((Tmac)))))))))))))))
This is a man who abused you. Of course you have deep negative feelings for him. I think this was your way of expressing your anger and hurt and there is nothing wrong with that.
And saying "I hope you die" is not what made him die.
Maybe he needed to hear what you said when he was still alive. Maybe it gave him some closure, too.
And who knows if he heard you when he was brain dead. His spirit might still have been in the room with all of you.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are the survivor of his abuse NOT the other way around.

Tmac,

My heart goes out to you.

It's tough when we lose someone, even those we're not close to. I can understand why your feeling that way, but please don't hammer yourself over it if you can.

Your brother (if he heard you) might've even admired your courage in speaking the truth.

We grieve so many different things; what we had, what we lost and what could've been. Should I've said this? Should I've done that?

It's a long, hard road. Go slow.

Sweet you have every right to have anger and hurt at what he did to you. YOu didn't make him die, his body gave out and I tell you what in your position I probably would have done the same thing. You may 'forgive' but you never forget what was done to you.....Be gentle with yourself and realize you have to acknowledge your own feelings. Perhaps you feel safer than you have in years....

hon I am sure he heard you when you told him you loved him. don't kick yourself so hard.