[Scotty204]

My mother informed me last night that she has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has approx 6 months to live. She's only 57 years old and it's really sad for me because I live in another province which makes it hard to visit often. Has anyone had a similar situation

[bebop]

I lost both my parents to cancer. I didn't live far from either of them though but I can imagine it must feel horrible. is she doing any kind of treatments? they gave my dad 6 months and he made it almost 13 months so don't count on numbers too much hon.

[Scotty204]

Well she's refused chemo as she doesn't want to feel sick all the time but that's her decision which I have to support. The distance thing is a big issue now as the visits will be limited and short due to work and other factors.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I can sure relate. Not necessarily to the distance thing, but the cancer thing.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in August of 2000, 5 months after we married. (This was a 2nd marriage for both of us). He was given a year or less to live. I nursed him the whole time. Believe me, you do NOT want to watch your blessed mother die. It was the worst experience of my life. My husband did have chemo until they told him that it was useless. He spent the rest of the time at home. He ended up dying in March of 2001, 12 days before our first anniversary. While I was honored to be able to nurse him, it was very difficult.

I AM sorry you live so far from your dear Mom and I know you want to be there for her. If you have Hospice where you live, make sure that she is set up for them to come to her home when it is needed. They are invaluable!!!

My prayers are with YOU as well as your beloved mother! God bless you all. Hugs, Lee

[ECHOES]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Maybe for now you could help her consider chemo. Chemo has changed dramatically over the years and some have no feeling of sickness from it at all. A relative has undergone chemo twice this past year, one round before the surgery and one after the surgery and has never felt sick at all.

[Scotty204]

Thankyou all for your response and kind words. The chemo thing she will not change her mind and I know this especially since the cancer has spread all over and she just wants to live now while she can. I have some personal regrets now looking back the last 9 years like how I moved away for work and basically lost 9 years of spending time with her. I mean I visited once or twice per year but it's not the same as being there every day.

[Perna]

If the cancer is everywhere, I would start talking fast with your mother, maybe go visit her soon. My husband's mother called him to tell him she was that ill (and to ask him to tell his siblings for her) and was hospitalized and dead in less than a week. The speed was the startling thing.

My mother died when I was 3 but I learned a lot from my husband talking on the phone with his dying mother that one time. They remembered the good times and talked about what he was doing now and me (she and I did not get a chance to meet but she told him during the phone call, almost first thing, that she wished I had answered the phone so she could have spoken to me) and his future, etc.

I don't think there is any secret way to cope. It's going to be hard and painful; I'm so sorry Scotty. By the way, my always "present" wonderful, coping husband forgot his bank PIN number the day his mother died; came up blank, and he'd had the same PIN for 10+ years.

[nicoleb2]

I have lost both of my parents, one to cancer and the other to a lung disease.

Make the best of the time you have left. You may regret your past, but it's the past and you can't change it and you don't want to spend the time you have left with her dwelling on the time you missed out on.

I watched a movie today, and there was a conversation about grief. The comment that was made on the movie was basically "You have to decide if you are going to spend your time being angry for the time you didn't have with her, or thankful for the time you did". This really hit home for me.

Try to focus on the good things. It will be a hard road, but make the best of it while you can