[yellowfrog268]

I'm nervous about my up and coming surgery on my right kidney. I have a very large stone that cannot pass on it's own and so surgery is the only answer.

Not only am I worried about the surgery, I'm also concerned about coming home. My husband is a PC game addict. He works nights and so when he comes home in the morning, he spends several hours on the computer playing online games until it's time to go to sleep. In the past trying to get him to participate in household activities without a 24 to 48 hour notice has yielded hissy fits, eye rolling, heavy sighing, and looks that let me know he is aggravated by my bothering him. Sometimes I think that he misses being single because when he was, he could indulge in computer gaming for as long as he wanted to without anyone else expecting anything of him. On his days off, he will stay on the computer from morning until very late in the evening. Trying to get him to set limits on gaming time also does not work. His reply is that computer gaming is the only thing he finds entertaining.

He already knows how this makes me feel. We had a little spat about it this morning when he had a melt down because he had to go the grocery store and didn't want to. I couldn't go because of ongoing pain from the kidney stone. During our fight, I got the sense that he was seeking some sort of permission from me. It was as if he wanted me to say that I'm alright with this behavior. Well, I'm not! I can honor the fact that he enjoys gaming and that it is a form of stress release for him but I cannot abide the child like behavior that comes from daring to interrupt his gaming time. Not only is it juvenile, it makes me feel bad.

I'm worried how much of a help he is actually going to be after my surgery not only with general housework and pet care but also with anything I might need but can't do for myself. I don't doubt that he loves me but he makes it abundantly clear that he does not want to be bothered with having to involve himself in anything that does not have to do with gaming.

[Leed]

Oh boy~ I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But HE is going to have to understand that you're going to need help!

Can you talk to him tonight and tell him this? Tell him that you WILL NEED HELP and YOU CAN'T HELP THAT! Tell him he can talk to the doctor if he wants!

He's being really selfish -- if the role was reversed, he'd want YOU to come to his aid. What if you didn't? He'd get mad, right? So he NEEDS to help you!

Switch things around on him and make him see things the other way, like if he were having surgery. Maybe he'll understand that. Who knows.

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow! You'll be in my thoughts! Let us know AS SOON AS YOU CAN how you are, okay? You'll be in my prayers too! God bless you, and take care. Big hugs, Lee

[ECHOES]

He sounds difficult.

Give him notice, and specifics of what to do. I agree with you that it is time for him to be considerate of your feelings and worries, and time for him to be the caregiver. It is the mature and loving thing to do.

Do you have a friend who could come and check on you, and fill it the gaps he might leave?

[bebop]

I had a very large one that coverd my entire kidney. They went in thru my back to insert some kind of wire then several days due to a holiday they went on in to get it. mine too 2 surgeries to get it out. It was not very painful but I did have a cathater for that one kidney for a couple of weeks. I could get up and do most anything I wanted. if that is their plan you should be ok hon. good luck!

[yellowted]

give him notice that you are going to lock his gamer away until you feel well again and that if he doers not willingly help out more that you will stop doing things for him e.g shop only for yourself, only do your own laundry etc!

Oh, hugs to you...I have passed a few myself and worst pain ever! The second I passed before the dr. thought he might have to operate...he was like "could be 6 months, come back in then and we'll take a look"...try me in the ER in like 6 weeks.

Anyway, I am so sorry about your husband...it's got to be scary to be afraid of having no support plus all the household chores. I guess gaming can be like any other addiction. It sounds like he needs a wake-up call...like most addicts they have no idea how bad they are. It's unfortunate he can't limit his time gaming and spend the rest of it on real life stuff. Much sympathy to you, wish I had more advice.

[yellowfrog268]

Thanks to all. Sorry for the late reply but it hasn't been smooth sailing with this kidney stone. Went into the hospital as planned for surgery. At the very last moment (before being wheeled into the O.R.), the radiologist told the surgeon he could not get a necessary wire past the stone as it was sitting close to a major artery. So, surgery was cancelled and after the anesthetic wore off, I was sent home. Two days later I was back in another facility for a different procedure which used laser therapy to break up the stone. Was sent home with a stent in the kidney (meant to help facilitate passing of the pieces of the broken up stone). The stent is very uncomfortable, makes me feel like I have to urinate ALL THE TIME. Medications to control this were not working and turning the whites of my eyes yellow! Saw doc yesterday and after review of xrays, he decided I need another procedure to get rid of stone fragments (isn't that what the stent is for?). So, Monday coming, I'll be back at the surgery center for what I hope is the end of this. Will have to keep a stent in kidney for a few days following procedure but this should be the end of the road. As for my hubby, he has made efforts to help around the house and of course to drive me to and from my appointments but he has had a crappy attitude about it on more than one occasion. He would later apologize and say that I shouldn't take it personally that he is really just upset about the intrusions on his usual schedule. How in the hell am I supposed to not take that personally? Sounds like he's trying to justify acting like an ***** Well yesterday he brought up the conversation again and apologized for appearing insensitive. I told him that there is no possible way that I couldn't take his behavior personally. Only time will tell how the next few days will play out but at least he's apologized.