[uglykidjoe]

My 4-year-old daughter just started headstart school last year has been acting really ugly lately and it's really stressing me out. I think she is picking up other kids habits at her school, because she never used to do things like this before she started school. I've also witnessed some kids in her class acting out as well. I'm already going through alot at the moment and she is just adding fuel to the fire. Everytime we go out in public like to the store, the mall, etc., she acts out by screaming at the top of her lungs and then she falls out on the floor when she can't get what she wants in the store. This is so embarrassing, especially the way people look at us. She also likes to talk back to me, saying really nasty things, which she never used to do before. I'm starting to think I made a mistake by putting her in school now. I don't know what to think right now. My mind is all over the place at the moment. It doesn't seem like my meds are helping me any either because I've been feeling more depressed these days. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[Yoda]

How do you discipline her? I used time out for my son when he was young - one minute for every year old.

[uglykidjoe]

Originally Posted by Yoda

How do you discipline her? I used time out for my son when he was young - one minute for every year old.

Sometimes she gets a swat on the butt or either I take certain things away from her until she acts right. This falling out on the floor and screaming just started like a few weeks ago. So lately I've been having to remove her from stores to avoid any further embarrassing situations. It's to the point now where I don't even like to go shopping, or any other place for that matter because I know what to expect. I'm running out of ideas here.

[lynn P.]

I don't advise a hit on the butt because she's already out of control and hitting just instills fear. For the temper tantrums in the mall, I recommend

1. Talk with her before you go, about what you expect of her. No tantrums, no begging for things.
2. If she's good you'll offer her a reward and tell her this before hand. Yes it's bribery lol
3. Brings snacks with you in case she's hungry/thirsty.
4. Don't go when she's tired or hungry.
5. If she has a meltdown take her out of the mall immediately without getting angry. Just pick her up and say we're going.

At home you can do time out as Yoda mentioned. But with time out you need to be prepared to enforce it and be consistent. Ask her about school and if there were any problems. Often my girls will tell me about bad behavior of other kids and then we'll discuss what would have be better to do or say. Sometimes if my 8 yr old has a tantrum I'll just let her get it out and wait until she's calm - the we talk about it. Usually by then, she's ready to acknowledge her behavior and say sorry. This is a normal stage and my girls have had their share of tantrums. Good luck

[amante]

I know what you are going through, I had a 6 year old that is like that, the point about the tiredness, make sure you never attempt the mall when they are tired, or hunger, not a good combo. taking away things that she adores for bad behavior and rewarding her with the things she adores when she shows good behavior is a good starting point. I try and head my son off before he gets to the explosive stage. Children at that age don't adapt well to changes. I try and prepare him well ahead of time for things like mealtimes, tv time. etc...

[uglykidjoe]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I don't advise a hit on the butt because she's already out of control and hitting just instills fear. For the temper tantrums in the mall, I recommend

1. Talk with her before you go, about what you expect of her. No tantrums, no begging for things.
2. If she's good you'll offer her a reward and tell her this before hand. Yes it's bribery lol
3. Brings snacks with you in case she's hungry/thirsty.
4. Don't go when she's tired or hungry.
5. If she has a meltdown take her out of the mall immediately without getting angry. Just pick her up and say we're going.

At home you can do time out as Yoda mentioned. But with time out you need to be prepared to enforce it and be consistent. Ask her about school and if there were any problems. Often my girls will tell me about bad behavior of other kids and then we'll discuss what would have be better to do or say. Sometimes if my 8 yr old has a tantrum I'll just let her get it out and wait until she's calm - the we talk about it. Usually by then, she's ready to acknowledge her behavior and say sorry. This is a normal stage and my girls have had their share of tantrums. Good luck

Thanks for the advice. I think she sees other kids at her school act out and then she comes home and does the same thing. She had also been going through some stuff at school with a classmate who's been bullying her. I wonder is this is also why she acts out. It's always so difficult to figure out what is bothering her. Parenthood is definitely not easy. Thanks again.

[uglykidjoe]

Originally Posted by amante

I know what you are going through, I had a 6 year old that is like that, the point about the tiredness, make sure you never attempt the mall when they are tired, or hunger, not a good combo. taking away things that she adores for bad behavior and rewarding her with the things she adores when she shows good behavior is a good starting point. I try and head my son off before he gets to the explosive stage. Children at that age don't adapt well to changes. I try and prepare him well ahead of time for things like mealtimes, tv time. etc...

I definitely know what you mean about kids at that age. I also noticed that whenever she's hungry or tired, she gets really cranky and *****y. My mom has been trying to help me with her as well. It's not easy being a single mom.

[AAAAA]

When she acts like this she’s trying to get a response to you, remove your response and eventually she’ll try a new tactic. I didn’t really have an issue with this with my own children but I had my niece and nephew for several months because of health issues.

I know they had a lot going on, their baby brother had just been born extremely prematurely (@ 21 weeks) so their parents were 6 hours away at the hospital with him. At 4 and 5 I don’t know how much they understood about what was going on, but they suddenly living in a different house and rarely saw their parents. They were not well behaved before this crisis, and the added turmoil did not help. My MIL & FIL couldn’t handle them which is how they came to us.

Our own children were 7, 5, and twin 18 month olds. My husband worked 14 hours a day 4 days a week so having 6 kids 7 and under require a lot of structure and order. In the beginning I had my 4 year old niece on my hip all the time because that’s what she was used to. They couldn’t even ask for a glass of water without throwing a fit, and their fits were definitely upsetting my own children. So when it became apparent that this was going to be a long term thing I had to implement the same tactics that I would have done with my own children. I explained that Auntie does not understand them when they whine or scream, if they want something they have to say it in a regular tone of voice. The 4 year old was a clever girl and her behavior changed almost overnight. The 5 year old was a bit more stubborn, but he eventually came around.

When their father came for a weekend visit my nephew reverted back to his original behavior. I took my BIL aside and told him I loved him, I loved his children but I could not deal with that chaos, if they were going to stay there he had to fully support us. I explained we had definite meal times, bath times, story times, and bed times. If they acted out, they went to time out. My BIL’s participation was half hearted at best, but it was enough to maintain structure.

You mention you’re a single mom, I know you’re busy, but try to make sure to make time every single day for mom and child time; positive, fun, age appropriate things where she has your undivided attention. This will give the two of you a good foundation for communication.

[mamaJenof5]

When my son throws a fit in the store or when we are out to eat my husband puts him in timeout no matter where we are(embarassing!) but it works he screams and crys but we ignore it (or pretend too) eventually he realizes nothing he is doing is working for him and he says hes sorry and completely changes his ways.(hes 51/2 been doing this since he was 3) we have went from having a fit every time we were out to every once in awhile. some kids are just there to push you lol. he is one in five and up untill a year ago he was the baby so I assume that had a lot to do with it b/c the other ones never did this. we even went to a behavior specilaist. they said to keep doing what we were doing and to first explain to him b/4 we went in that these things would happen just so he knew and always follow through on what we said. Hope things get better...

[kelllie]

I always removed mine immediately when they started acting at all out of sorts. No need to really react at all except to get them out as fast as possible. once i'm out I ignore them. they want a reaction, don't give it to them. They learn quickly if htey want to stay with family and such that they must behave appropriately.

[Rhapsody]

When boys would do this I personal just said bye to them and walked away... they always jumped right up and followed me - problem solved.

[~firefly~]

I read your other post before I read this one and I wanted to make sure and let you know that punishing would be a mistake at this point because the tantrums are stemming from abuse and punishing her may send the message that she deserves it. You need to get her to a child counselor and get her out of that school and as hard as it is to be depressed and have to deal with a screaming child, you just have to keep in mind that its about her and making sure she is safe. If a child starts acting in a pacular way there is usually a pretty good reason why. I really want to stress that while I am not against giving a swat when needed, in this situation that furthers her concept of abuse and she may get the message that she deserves to be hit. Its good that you have figured out why she is acting out, but you need to seek a therapist that can help you in how to handle her outbursts because they are a cry for help and not meant to be misbehavior.