HELP!! 14yr sister told me shes drinking---???

Hello, new to the website and chats. BUT I NEED HELP!

I need help with my 14 year old sister in law. I am 21, I have a 8 month old son. Very happy with my life right now. I am a previous drug and alcohol user ( I will always struggle mentally, this does not concern my sister in law though). My sister in law is not aware of my struggles, except for smoking and drinking. Never have I made it sound OK to do either. She lives with her mother, who is very concerned how she would react in certain situations with peer pressure. She strongly believes that she has done nothing but suspects her friends of drinking. I have put hints out there, which is why she thinks her friends have 'tried' alcohol.

She is 14 years old. Going into 9th grade. Shes a beautiful girl who has been in pageants, but does not have a good self image of herself. I am constantly telling her how pretty she is, due to the fact she compares herself all the time to friends (including me, very short, very petite) I always use positive words, and try to keep her energy focused on other things so there are no lingering thoughts on negative things.

We were talking the other day and she told me that she has been drinking. (has came home drunk a few times, never drunk enough that my mother in law has noticed though)- not that it makes it OK, which I have made that known to my sister in law. She also has smoked a few times. hasnt in a while, but has smoked.

I am worried that she believes this is OK. And I am telling everyone this because I need help on how to handle the information that has been given to me.
i do not want to betray her by telling her mother, my mother in law. I want her to be able to talk to me. She knows she can trust me and that i'd do anything for her. I do NOT want to turn my back on her, or make her feel like shes alone. She does not have a sister so i'd be more then happy to fill that role for her.
But what exactly should my boundries be??
Where do I draw the line between sister in law you can trust, and my obligation as a daughter in law, trusted to make the right decisions???

I know if its damaging her, or if shes hurting herself, I would take actions immediatly. I am just unsure of what to do. I do not want her to go down the path I went on. I do not want to gorify drugs or give her the impression that its not a big deal.
I welcome questions, concerns, or just thoughts. Please, anything will help me!!!
Thanks,
Cait

Perhaps tell her that she needs to come clean to her mom or else you will feel obligated to.

You really either need to get her to talk to her parents or let them know on your own. As a parent, if I knew you were keeping this kind of information about one of my children from me, I would be completely pissed.

If she is experimenting on a regular basis, I would sit her down and make her understand you care, want to be close to her, etc. but tell her that her mom will have to know if it continues. I would first give her the opportunity to tell her mom with you present for moral support, before I ratted on her.

I think it is very noble of you to look out for your sister-in-law and want to be there for her. But there is a bigger picture that you need to keep in mind also, not just the issue of yes/no telling her mother. She is underage so there are legal ramifications for her, and depending on where you live, possibly also for yourself if something should happen to her and you were aware that she was drinking and kept the information to yourself (child endangerment laws).

I began my 18 year drinking career at 11. My mother did not handle such things well. I didn't/couldn't talk to her about stuff in my life for a variety of reasons, and when she did 'find out' about stuff, she handled things badly.

My advice to you is, if you think your mother-in-law would handle the situation well, as in not go off the deepend over it etc, then tell your sister-in-law that if she thinks she is old enough for the responsibility of drinking alcohol, then she is old enough for the responsibility of telling her mother - but offer to be there/have your m-i-l come to your house to talk/meet at coffee shop. If you don't think your m-i-l would handle it well, then say the same to your s-i-l, that if she thinks she is old enough to drink, then she is old enough for the responsibility of talking to the school counsellor about it (or whoever would be in a similar position at her school). Again, offer to go with her. The point is, either her mother OR her school need to be aware for her safety, because as a child (which at 14, not matter how mature/worldly etc she acts, she is still a child) she needs protecting, from others and from herself. And if her mother finds out about your involvement later, you will have demonstrated that you have acted responsibly with her daughter's safety and well-being foremost.

Most of all, as I'm sure you are well aware if you have a alcohol/substance abuse background, do not fall for her tricks to downplay or minimise or justify or rationalise or normalise her usage. There is more than one reason why governments set legal drinking ages above 14. I have a level of brain damage that will never be undone. Do not let that happen to her.

Good luck,
kp

Phoenix, you covered it all. I wasn't even thinking about the legal ramifications. Or that substance dependence could start so young. You are entirely right about all of it.

At first I thought this was a tough dilemma. (I'm not a parent.) But now it is clear to me that the advice above is correct. You ought not to just sit on this information. You are an adult; she is a child. There is something a little off in her seeing you as a buddy that she can disclose wrong and dangerous behavior to. (I mean, it's good that she told you. But I think she has a misconception of what a trusting relationship is about.)

I agree with Krazy that the fact that this is illegal behavior heightens the seriousness and your level of responsibility. In order for an underage person to access alcohol, I would guess that she has a chain of connections that ends in an adult who is willing to be the procurer/provider of the alcohol. That person is truly guilty of serious criminal behavior (contributing to the delinquency of a minor.) That person deserves to be slammed by the law.

I had a family member who was drinking at age 15. Two other family members knew and did not "tell" on her. In retrospect, I do not think they made the right decision. She got in deeper trouble, which we can pretty much assume will happen to your sister-in-law. There maybe some dysfunction in her home that has led to her behaving this way. It sounds like she has too much freedom to go her own way . . . too much lack of accountability. Her parents, I would say, are under-involved in her life. I think that is what she is looking for from you . . . an adult to be involved. So show her what adults appropriately do when children are straying into unacceptable behavior.

It just occurred to me to ask something else. What about your husband, her brother? If he is in any way level headed, then he should be told and he can sit down with Mother-in-law and make her aware of the reality that this young lady is hanging with peers who are troubled. (I doubt she goes off by herself to engage in drinking.) Another danger, is that she is about 5 minutes away from becoming sexually active, if she's not already. I think I would start by telling your husband. You might need to impress upon him that he needs to stay calm. Then the two of you can sit down with kid-sister and, hopefully, reach an agreement that the meeting needs to be expanded to include her Mom.

The thing that is holding you back is that you fear betraying her confidence. You imagine that it might be safer for her to know she can talk to you without worrying that you will tell anyone. Nothing good will come out of that. It would be different if she came to you looking for advice. Doesn't sound like that is the case. If you sit on this info, then you are giving her the impression that it is no big deal. I think she is using you to test that out. The clock is ticking. She is ten minutes away from using illegal drugs and eventually being arrested and having a record that will blight her chances for a good future. If you feel you can't do what the replies above advise, then I would say to her that I would have to report anything further that she discloses to her brother. Do not try to put yourself in the role of surrogate mom/big sister to her. You'll end up in an impossible situation. Be what you are - a caring "in-law" who is an adult. There is a good chance that she is irretrievable on the road to becoming someone whom you will eventually have to distance yourself from. I would tell her THAT, rather then send the message that "I would do anything for you." The latter implies "enabling."