Stealing and Lying

We are having a problem with stealing and lying. My 12 year old daughter takes things and then says that she did not. I have caught her frequently, confronted her about it, explained how it destroys our trust in her and have grounded her, made her repay the money or replace the item/food, taken priveledges from her, to no avail. She shows no remorse and does not admit to taking the stuff. She has had a little business going and made some money making items and then selling them to other kids. She has had some kids that were slow to pay, but today she showed me $110 dollars and told me that this was from the kids that had not paid her. I was delighted and praised her for her hard work, but in the back of my mind was surprised that it was all in $20 bills. Later when she was away and I was at the store I noticed that $100 were missing from my wallet. I told her that I knew that she had taken my money and she denied it but I know that she is lying. Any ideas on how to stop this habit? We are at our wits end. She doesn't care that we do not trust her or that she is doing something wrong. How do I get through to her that this can cause major problems for her in the long run? Do I go to the police and file charges?

At this point it is much more than little white lies. You need to get your daughter into therapy. Her behavior will escalate without proper intervention and she will get in trouble with more than just you. I highly suggest you find a therapist who has experience working with children and adolescents who are oppositional. Good luck.

"Do I go to the police and file charges?"



No, just my two cents, but I feel the above would have very little effect. She appears to be rationally choosing to defy you which may be, in part, her motivation. The defiance might not necessarily be aimed you, just authority in general. You are just the closest target. Pulling the police into it may escalate her behavior. It could get her attention, but I doubt it. Before I got into healthcare, I was a police officer, and we were called way to many times because people turned to us for what should have been handled at home and in therapy. We also had to explain to more than one tween that if they are out in places where they should not be and doing things they should not be, and have a run in with us (the police); not only will they be in trouble, but their parents will be in trouble for letting them get into that situation. So by enforcing rules at home their parents are keeping everyone out of trouble.

Oh yes, we are way past little white lies. You are so right about her being oppositional - she has always been that way since she has been a baby, but only at home. At school she is extremely sweet, toes the line, does not get into trouble, or want to get into trouble. She will argue with her teachers when they are wrong, but in such a way that she maintains respect. She questions everything - she is extremely smart, yet when she takes things that she is not supposed to, she leaves a clear and obvious trail. When I point this out to her she just denies doing it anyway.

Filing police charges would do nothing positive for your daughter, husband/daughter's father or yourself. In a kid's eyes, $110 is a lot of money, so just by holding it, she feels in control and powerful. She is the sole controller of her, "business", which received praise from you, while other students either gave praise or fear, either way, she got more respect and control. She then shows the money to various kids, then at a later time, shows the money to you and both times, she gets immediate praise and reward, again putting her in a position of control. The common factors: her being in control, gaining respect, praise and reward, not just from her peers but from her parents. In other words, everyone is giving her reward. Grounding her won't work because she already feels in power, so she may lose some but not enough to bother her. If you use the same punishment over and over, the effect diminishes and no longer is as negative and daunting. It can also be a cat-and-mouse game, especially with nabbing money from your wallet.

It would certainly be best to find a therapist who is equipped to handle children who oppose their parents, are successful liars and engage in manipulation on a frequent basis to get what they want. I think the next crucial thing for you to find out is how she behaves toward her teaches, other adults in the family, neighbours and strangers. You may also want to get some evidence of her behaviour because she likely will not admit to her actions in front of the therapist or psychiatrist, which is when you would want to show them proof. This ensures you won't be seen as a crackpot paranoid mother, while giving the therapist and psychiatrist a first-hand view of her lying and any manipulation.

Had I done this, my mother would have beaten the **** out of me. Hell, she still beats the tar out of me for things I didn't do(My half brother is lazy and won't do anything.) My stepdad would have beaten the tar out of me and cussed me out. I hope I wouldn't so anything like that, but still I've experienced it.

Well sometimes juvenile hall will take kids for a few days to scare them straight. I think it would be worthwhile for her to learn that there are serious consequences for her actions in the real world before she become old enough and steals from the wrong person and actually ends up incarcerated. I'm of the mind that therapy won't help until she realizes she has a problem.