[Mike_J]

I'm a divorced father of a 14 year old girl. We have been divorced for over a year, last year things were getting better between our daughter and I. I have placement with her on Thursdays and every other Friday-Sunday. Last year when she was in 8th grade her staying with me wasn't an issue, but suddenly not it's a "huge inconvenience" I can't help but feel that her mother is behind part of this change.

I don't want to force her to come stay with me, but I don't want to lose any of my time with my daughter.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you talked to her about why it's an inconvenience? As a teen Friday-Sunday I was never home always out with friend's. Whether it was their house, the movies, a game or what not. Maybe she doesn't feel she can hang out with her friends at your house? I know my parents wouldn't let me go to friend's houses that had a single dad. You really need to find out why before we can help with solutions.

[Mike_J]

I tried to talk to her about it. She does spend most of the weekends hanging out with friends that isn't a problem I know she has to have a social life, and I try not to get in the way of that. I know if I ask she will say it's just easier not to have to pack clothes to come over.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you take her out to get a couple pairs of cloths that you'll wash so she has nothing to tote back and forth?

[livelaughlove22]

Don't assume it's her mom manipulating her, because if may not be true. Do you live close to her? If you don't she may be worried about seeing friends which are important for teens. She may just be more comfortable at her moms house too since she's a girl and all. Maybe try small steps, asking her if she would want to go out to dinner or shopping then give her the option to spend the night at your house or go to herr moms. If you force the issue it won't help your relationship.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Some of it just might be a teen being a teen.....don't give up on trying!

[SnakeCharmer]

Most 14 year old girls don't need any influence from their mom to not want to leave their friends for a weekend. While it may become more inconvenient for you, you might be able to make some headway if you allow her to bring a friend along on some of your outings or even to stay over night.

The good part of this is that you'll get a chance to spend time with her friends and see what kind of people she's hanging out with and what kind of dynamic they form together.

The bad part is that you're the male parent and her friends are undoubtedly girls. The friends' parents will have to find you trustworthy and you'll have to understand the proper way to act around teenage girls. Both of those things are good for any parent.

If this is an option you're willing to consider, don't make it open ended, as in giving your daughter the impression it's something that will happen every visit. If you're willing and if her friends' parents are willing, you can also probably expect some begging and sulking those times when you don't invite her friends along. Speaking as a former 14 year old girl, I can say the pull of being with friends can be unbearably and unreasonably strong at that age.

For your own sanity, you probably don't want to create a situation where you're parenting both her and her friends. But if it's at all possible, I am a strong advocate for non-custodial parents getting to know their child's friends and the friends' parents.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I don't want to force her to come stay with me, but I don't want to lose any of my time with my daughter.
Any suggestions would be helpful.

I'd stop to consider what my kid wants and then go from there. When I was 14, I sure didn't want to spend my week-ends with my parents! Besides that, they weren't much FUN. I don't believe that "forcing" her to stay with you will make your relationship with her any better but most likely will make it worse even if you win a "round" against her mother.

I know if I ask she will say it's just easier not to have to pack clothes to come over.

I'd say that's your answer. Sorry.

good luck,
jim

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I'm a divorced father of a 14 year old girl. We have been divorced for over a year, last year things were getting better between our daughter and I. I have placement with her on Thursdays and every other Friday-Sunday. Last year when she was in 8th grade her staying with me wasn't an issue, but suddenly not it's a "huge inconvenience" I can't help but feel that her mother is behind part of this change.

I don't want to force her to come stay with me, but I don't want to lose any of my time with my daughter.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

How are things going with her now Mike J?

[Bill3]

I can't help but feel that her mother is behind part of this change.

Always evaluate every situation strictly on the merits as you see them.

Never consider or dwell on whether or not your wife is involved or behind it.

[IrisBloom]

She shouldn't have a choice in the matter. Visitation is a court order and all parties have to abide by it. I understand that you want her to be happy and she might be resentful if you take her against her will. But that is why this is all set up in court. A child cannot make the decision. She should be made to understand that it is your weekend and she has no choice.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

She shouldn't have a choice in the matter. Visitation is a court order and all parties have to abide by it. I understand that you want her to be happy and she might be resentful if you take her against her will. But that is why this is all set up in court. A child cannot make the decision. She should be made to understand that it is your weekend and she has no choice.

That could just make her angry.

[norwegianwoman]

Hi! I am not a parent myself, but my niece (who is 14) is behaving in exactly the same way with regards to her father (he is not together with my sister anymore).

He lives out of town, so it takes a while to get there. He is married now and has three small kids. I sometimes think she feels like a fifth wheel or feel like a babysitter, but honestly, what she complains about is that she can't see her friends and that it's a bit boring at her father's place. She has a good relationship with him, as does my sister, and my sister is NOT behind her attitude at all. My sister keeps telling her she has to go, that it hurts her father's feelings when she doesn't want to, that she can reschedule her plans to another night etc.

When she is with her father they usually have a good time, and I think a part of her also likes being with family (I know I did, back then, even though I might not admit it), to be a "child" and be allowed to watch silly tv shows or play games you are too old for in your friends' eyes. So I think you should talk to your daugther, just say that you understand that she would rather want to be with her friends, but you look forward to seeing her every time and frankly it hurts your feelings a bit when she doesn't want to go (dads being open about their emotions to their daughters is crucial, you have no idea how emotional 14-year old girls are, it appeals to them. One of the reasons I have a great relationship with my dad is that I always talked about feelings with him, more than with my mom, it really brought us closer), and you can say that you always like spending time with her. Then suggest that the next time she comes she can have a friend over on one of the days, maybe her friend can even sleep over. Make plans in advance, find out if she wants to see a special TV programme, see a movie in the cinema etc., so there is a little variation and so you show that you care about what she wants to do. Make food she likes, etc.

And talk to her mom. NOT suggesting that she's behind this attitude change, that will just anger her and make her trust you less, but talk to her and say that you really want to spend time with your daughter and you need some advice from her, who is with her every day, on how to make her enjoy staying with you more, tips for activities etc. She might have some tips. Even though you are divorced you have one thing in common, your daughter. You both love her and want the best for her, and I think her mother would only think it showed dedication on your part if you asked her for advice.

[unaluna]

Has she recently started her period? Are you set up to handle situations that might arise?