[livelaughlove22]

She finally got out of the hospital today. The last few days she's been pretty whiny. I tried timeout in the hospital by turning the TV off and she screamed so loud the nurse came in and turned it back on because she was being disruptive to other patients. Should I lay off the timeouts? Or continue to try to be strict? Any tips for while she is recovering?
What happened was she was so malnourished that she couldn't function and was on life support. They did a full body examination and found a lot of fractures from being abused and did some operations.

[Angelique67]

Whose child is she?

[A Red Panda]

Since she's been in the hospital so long, you're likely back to Square 1 (when I was a toddler, I had to spend a few days in the hospital... they put me back on diapers, bottles, etc.... my mom had to totally retrain me). I'd go easy if she's still feeling unwell. Whiny is totally understandable when you've been ill (and had operations!).

Don't stop with rules though. Just go easier on the time outs (did you ever try making a fairy glitter jar?) when it comes to things that you know just means she's not feeling good... and definitely use this as an opportunity to NOT spank her at all.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Whose child is she?

My best friends daughter. She's in rehab.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

My best friends daughter. She's in rehab.

Oh, sorry. I got freaked out by the "fractures from abuse".

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Oh, sorry. I got freaked out by the "fractures from abuse".

No no no. I didn't hurt her. Her dads friends did.

[Angelique67]

Wow. Well, I'd indulge her just a bit. Maybe positive reinforcement? Like if she's quiet she gets cookies or a candy bar or something she'd like?

[Homeira]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

She finally got out of the hospital today. The last few days she's been pretty whiny. I tried timeout in the hospital by turning the TV off and she screamed so loud the nurse came in and turned it back on because she was being disruptive to other patients. Should I lay off the timeouts? Or continue to try to be strict? Any tips for while she is recovering?
What happened was she was so malnourished that she couldn't function and was on life support. They did a full body examination and found a lot of fractures from being abused and did some operations.

My son had terrible astma when he was a baby, and I remember how hard it was to be patient with him, when I had been up with him most of the night, (night after night), and was so sleep-deprived that I could barely function myself!
So advice from me is to make sure you get as much rest and support as you can possibly get in this period. This child needs a well-functioning adult around her. She needs boundaries around her, and for you to be consistent. She needs to feel safe. Part of what will make her feel safe is to experience that you are predictable. But pick your battles. In the beginning , I think you should stick to a few things and be as consistent as possible about the rules regarding that. It is better to be consistent about a few things, than not to be consistent at all. As a parent, I have found this to be helpful advice. To be absolutely consistent about everything in her life is impossible, and it is only going to cause a lot of stress and feelings of failure in yourself. And keep timeouts not too long. If she is five, then five minutes, if she is ten, then ten minutes, etc. We had to resort to using time-out for my son for a while when he was younger, and found it to be helpful. Some times I remember I was so upset with him, and I found that it was better to do a time-out - he got the message, and I got a few minutes to collect myself!
And P.S. Bedtime is important. Dont let anyone tell you anything else. Try to get her on a bed-time rutine. SUPER-IMPORTANT! We neglected this with our son, and it has just caused a lot of problems that could have been avoided. He struggles to this day with going to sleep, and I suspect it is because we were too lax about that. I think what you are doing is a great thing, and truly wish you success in helpng this child to get through her (no doubt ) horrible experiences.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Since she's been in the hospital so long, you're likely back to Square 1 (when I was a toddler, I had to spend a few days in the hospital... they put me back on diapers, bottles, etc.... my mom had to totally retrain me). I'd go easy if she's still feeling unwell. Whiny is totally understandable when you've been ill (and had operations!).

Don't stop with rules though. Just go easier on the time outs (did you ever try making a fairy glitter jar?) when it comes to things that you know just means she's not feeling good... and definitely use this as an opportunity to NOT spank her at all.

I only spank as a last resort. But I have to be careful of her ribs so I wont even if I need to.

[A Red Panda]

Oh I know that you do - but now's a good time to stop that altogether again. Both for physical and mental/emotional reasons. I know that you feel bad about it, and it associates you with her family which isn't really good for the two of you in the long run, even if it is what gets her to behave in the short-term.

I'm glad that she's out of the hospital now though! Thank goodness she was with you and got taken care of asap.. if she wasn't with you, who knows what would have happened..

[Can't Stop Crying]

hand in there...it's almost like square one again in some aspects...you guys can make it...I know you can

[shezbut]

In my experience, I've noticed that my daughters become much more emotional and snippy when they're starting to feel better. While it's challenging, it is best to keep your cool and try to be a little extra-patient as she recovers.

Your friend's daughter certainly hasn't had it easy, I see. I am typically against spanking anyway, but this little girl is an extreme case which explains reasons on why NOT to spank. There are different options: time out, talk it out, tell her to let her frustration out on her pillow, ask for and give hugs, try to understand her perspective & acknowledge how she is feeling.

Stick to just a few *must do* for now & keep them simple. Like, 1.) She can't be violent 2.) She needs to follow your safety directions 3.) Something else similar. Point is to keep things simple & reinforce good behavior at every opportunity. She needs to learn what is and isn't considered to be "good" or healthy through positive reinforcement.

Gentle hugs and best wishes to you both!

[Homeira]

Avoid the use of violence, or even the treat of violence. It will only validate her past experinces, normalizing violence as something that is ok. Sit with her, and hold her if she lets you. Offer her a reward if she calms down. Hang in there. You have my full sympathy. Remember to lower your shoulders and breathe deeply once in a while! Remember you might be one of the adults around her that will show her that life is a beautiful thing.

[competentbazooka]

Hi, I am also a parent and I can very well relate to your problems. Sick people always feels irritated at times and in that case , we need to understand the most. I agree, with others advice to use a positive approach , maybe for that matter, a sick child could lessen the burden or the hurt she is experiencing at the moment. A love and understanding of a parent is very relevant on that kind of situation.

[SabinaS]

Are there any positive parenting classes near to where you are? What does her therapist suggest?

I understand you've been dropped in the deep end but a lot of your posts seem to be concerned with discipline and punishment. All kids need boundaries to feel secure, but this one has been through so much, I think kindness and empathy are so important right now, rather than strictness or trying to reign her in. Have you tried 'time in's', rather than time outs? It's where you sit with her and talk about how she feels. Whiny behaviour is a reflection on how she feels inside, so by talking to her, she maybe able to open up more.

I really don't like time outs, they can isolate a child who is already struggling with their feelings and don't offer support.

I also think illness in any child is a good excuse to be more lenient - being ill is horrible (I'm the worst moaner I know!) but being in hospital for malnourishment & abuse must be truly awful.

Hope things are easier, good luck.