I feel like my adopted son doesn't even live with us!

Hi everyone. I've been reading all the threads on Psych forum for a number of months, and so I made an account so I could ask my own question.

DH and I recently (about a month ago) adopted a little boy from Russia. He's eight. We didn't know too much about him until we met with the social worker two weeks before he arrived. She told us he was severely abused and would need counselling, family therapy sessions and careful monitoring. DH was also abused as a child, and I suffered (well, still, but I feel like I can talk about it in the past tense now) from PTSD, so we felt somewhat prepared for the situation.

We weren't. When he first arrived he didn't speak and did exactly what we told him. I figured he was just shy and needed time to adjust some. Four weeks later and the only thing he has protested to is letting us bathe him and having to watch us cook all his meals.

The social worker was rather vague on what exactly happened to him, where he was; but she thinks it was some sort of drug den. We do know he wasn't with his real parents, who have been dead since he was a baby. The counsellor thinks he was held underwater for long periods of time because of the way he reacts to us being near him when he's in the bath. He's drawn pictures of us putting things in his food, like laxatives or sleeping pills.

He also doesn't seem to be connecting with us emotionally; it's obvious he wasn't cuddled or praised at all, and whenever I try he just sits there. I'm desperate to know what goes on in his head. I don't think any of the abuse was sexual in nature (thank goodness), but he won't allow strangers (anyone he hasn't been introduced to and spent several hours with) to be out of his line of sight or touch his neck/face area.

He got into a fight with my nephew (who is thirteen) When DH and I went to talk things over with him, he spoke for the first(ish) time and begged us not to leave him locked in his room forever. I talked to his counsellor and she's added isolation to the list of things he's been forced to deal with. I'm just not sure what to do!

Anything I do seems to make him upset, or has a bad memory attached to it. No punishments because it causes him to have a panic attack, we can't hug him because he hates it and school is out of the question because they wont let us sign him up until he gets his 'issues sorted out'. DH and I are at a loss. We love him even though he's only been with us a month, but most of the time it's like he's not even there. He just sits on the couch and stares at the wall, waiting for us to tell him what to do.

Sorry about this long post, but I felt like I had a lot to get off my chest. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to open up to us or do things for himself? And how to help him slowly get over his anxieties and the paranoia that everyone is out to get him? Thank in advance for any help or advice!

-Blue

I would look up books on raising an adopted child and attachment in adoption. Adoption can be very hard on both sides but good for you for having him in counselling and wanting to make the situation better.

I am around if you need to chat.

I have no advice as I have no experience with something like this. What a most difficult situation to be in. Big hug and I hope things get easier and better soon!

I have two internationally adopted daughters who were 14 months and 8 months when they became mine, so definitely not the same as an older child, but we have dealt with some attachment problems. From what I know it seems your needs a therapist who specializes in attachment disorder. That may be difficult if you live in a somewhat rural area. It's going to be a long road and I want to send you strength for this journey. Try looking at the AttachChina (i know he's not from China but will be relevant anyway) website for list of attachment specialists. Prayers for you all

Highly recommend watching the documentary, The Dark Matter of Love.

I was adopted myself and in the beginning of watching the documentary was sure that the parents would totally **** it up, but in the end, they actually reached some fairly solid ground. Attachment issues are tough... especially when the child is older... I thought this documentary was very interesting and gave me some hope for other parents.

Think the full doc is here...

Children also from Russia and older.

Child of Rage was also an interesting doc.... HUGE trigger warning on this one!!! Please, do not watch unless you are in a safe place and are not triggered by abuse.

Not about adoption exactly but does show some hope as the child (severely abused and severe attachment problems) does make some improvement.

I have seen and read some other good stuff on adoption but they are usually about the process of identity and not so much about attachment (as they are not about older, abused children).

It is possible for there to be change... there will always be challenges, but attachment issues are not impossible to shift. You have a huge challenge, but please know that there is hope.

You need to look up reactive attachment disorder. And then read up on it. While your child may or may not fit this diagnosis, it will give you information on attachment issues which is what it appears your child is experiencing. I would also recommend that you find a support group in your area for adoptive parents. There are a lot of adoptive children with attachment issues and not only ones from other countries. So don't feel like you are alone if you can't find parents who have adopted from other countries. You need to make sure you are getting the support that you need. Otherwise you will burn out. In addition to psychotherapy I would recommend that you check out occupational therapy to help with attachment. Good luck.

You might find the resources at Julie Alvarado's website helpful. Julie is a therapist who specializes in working with kids with problems like your son is having. Her organization can even help you find someone in your area trained in working with kids like your son. Julie's written a couple of books you might find helpful. Her website is at: http://alvaradoconsultinggroup.com/

I think it's criminal that adoptive parents do not receive more training and support in how to best help traumatized kids. That's not a slam against you and your husband. It's a complaint about a system that gives traumatized kids to families and basically say "Here ya go. Good luck."

If you live in the US the school system can not refuse to admit your son. If you feel that attending school is not in your son's best interest at this point you can request "medical homebound" education for him. The local school board would have to send a teacher to your home to provide your son with an education.

for what it's worth, it sounds like your doing a great job with him. It's going to take time for him to trust you, and until then, he needs your steadfast patience and love. He needs validation, and he still needs limits, with the assurance that the purpose they serve is to calm down, not to lock him up.

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for all your encouragement. I know it seems strange that hearing these things from strangers makes me feel better, but it does. DH and I have begun reading up on attachment disorder and are in the process of finding a specialist who focuses on it. Just hearing that we're not alone in this really makes a difference.

I know we're in for a long journey, but I really feel a lot better about it knowing there are people who experienced the same things. Thank you for recommending those documentaries, we watched both and they definitely opened our eyes to some subjects we hadn't even thought about.

I'm normally not too focused on 'labeling' kids, but I think putting a name to it will help solidify that this is a real problem. That we're not just failing as parents. And I agree with you, lizardlady, it's awful that they don't give adoptive parents more training in things like this. DH and I love our son, but we had no idea the situation we were stepping into.

Thank you for all your kind words!

no prob, i am glad you reminded me of this... i rewatched the bbc doc and cried. masha is so much like i was, as a child...

i was abused, also, but the abandonment and not having anyone there (due to adoption) is way harder... masha was lucky in that she had one caring adult connection prior to adoption so i cant imagine how difficult it must be to have an older child who hadnt received the same support (albeit no where near enough).

i think that most parents do not know what they are getting into. our societies do not teach about attachment or empathy or anything like that.

even with most of my therapists i have learned to focus on the type of trauma that i think they want to hear about. as a child i learned to appreciate the abuse because at least then someone was there....

anyway, this probably isnt helping you. though if i can cry now watching the doc, i have changed. i was adopted younger but there were many issues in my adoptive family...

life is so unfair.

oh well. i am glad your son has you.