At odds over discipline

I believe every mistake is a teachable moment, that as a parent I need to discuss with my child (age 13) the thought processes, decisions, consequences of every wrong choice (right choice too!). Mistakes such as lying about homework and sneaking cereal bars into her room (several of them a week). My wife believes in the harsh punishment regimen. We argue a heck of a lot--I call her too harsh, she calls me too soft. I don't want to be permissive, but I don't believe harsh punishment works in the long run.

My son is autistic and so things are a little different but punishments don't work with him. Within 5 minutes he has no idea why he is being punished. We tend to talk to him about things; this is what you did and this is why it is unacceptable and what things could he have done differently.

When kids become teenagers they need to test new behaviors to see what is acceptable and what is not. While you as a parent try to direct and instruct, most of it does not sink in anyway, so you should learn to overlook certain less important things they do that would normally be considered wrong, but are relatively harmless. I would not tolerate lying at all about anything. The cereal bars...she probably thinks she is getting away with something, and what's the harm in that? Buy an extra box and don't tell her it's ok, just let her take them.

You've heard the phrase "pick your battles"? Now is the time to apply that. Lay down the major rules and leave no room to compromise on them. But for smaller things that won't matter in a year, pretend ignorance sometimes.

This is just my opinion. But I will say that too many rules, lectures and punishments are not good. Kids and teens should be having fun, not worrying all the time about getting punished.

Not sure how cereal bars is an issue (as a mother of three sons who seemed to have a hole in their leg).

I think you can over-talk some things, and over-react to some things; and it seems your daughter may be getting too much of both from both of you. Save the heavy talks and the heavy hand for the things that really need it (cereal bars aren't it). Pick your battles and let the rest go. They learn from experience sometimes much better from parental talks and lectures and punishments.

I know it would have driven my sons up the wall if I insisted on discussing every little error in their lives. Let her make her mistakes and discover the consequences on her own. Save the big interventions for the bigger issues. Otherwise, she'll start turning a deaf ear.

I might be able to understand the food thing.
My DD takes food & eats it in her bed, then doesn't throw out the evidence or clean it up.
So when I go for snacks for lunch boxes their "missing."
Is it like that?

My issue is the hoarding of food Bec she doesn't want her siblings to have it & also the issue of clean up. This then turns into a "where can I hide stuff" game.

If it's just a snack I can understand that, but ours is getting into a bigger issue.

AFA the lying our DD sometimes doesn't even realize she's doing it Bec she does it so often.
She works with a therapist & we really do try to pick our battles with her. Yes I think they do try to push our boundaries & sometimes I get so tired of it I quit.
Yeah not that great on my part.

Wish you all the best!

I believe in choosing battles. Homework has a logical, natural consequence, for instance. She really has to answer to her teachers. At the same time, grades are where those missed homework assignments shine through. The report card is one area that perhaps you and your wife can make a decision for a consequence if anything on that report falls beneath your standards. My 13 year old, last year came home with A's, yet he was surprised when I went up one side of him and down the other for receiving N'(needs improvement) on his Behavior. He had been going through quite the temperment at home and I was on the fence about counseling for him and this as I showed was the example that gave me the upper hand and it was bad enough that he was moody and miserable to be around at home, but this was icing on the cake.

I say let her bring home the card that reflects her lies about completion, then I'm sure, at that point she'll see for herself a united front by both of you.

I'm unclear why a few cereal bars a week are a big deal? She's in a growth stage at her age. I've seen 11 year old girls eat more than boys because if it. If she's active and otherwise healthy that's nothing to be upset about?

I think the real issue here is working out a common ground with your wife, good luck with that, above all else I'd say at least strive to have a 'united front' with each other. If there is any hint of conflict between parents it can unsettle kids and they can play one parent off against the other.