Father's Expectations...

So, I hope this belongs here, it was hard to tell. I'm 23 and my dad still somewhat supports me financially because I'm in a Masters program.

I'm a 4.0 student, I'm responsible, married, etc. Despite having chronic mental illness (bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, etc), I am doing very well for myself and I feel that my dad should be proud of me.

The problem is his reactions to drug use. I used to be very open with him about what drugs I was doing, how often, etc. I've always used recreational drugs in moderation (typically once a month or less), and have found that they can be incredibly healing for me with minimal side effects. However, a few years ago, he started to get really paranoid about me doing them and had to see the doctor for the amount of stress it was causing him. I told him that I stopped. However, he's still be paranoid about it and accusatory. My drug use isn't his business, and I feel like it doesn't matter what I do because he'll always see me as a failure for that. I wish I was able to just be honest with him about it but I can't risk getting cut off financially because I have a husband and pets to think about and I couldn't support them on my own while in school.

It makes me want to stop trying. Like, it doesn't matter how well I'm doing, so I might as well stop putting any effort in and just start getting ****ed up every day instead of responsibly. I know that isn't healthy thinking, but its really depressing to have somebody who is so important to me think I'm a horrible person for something I do 8 hours a month instead of the other 720.

I guess I want support or validation or advice or something?

I hear more concern than judgment in your father's questions and actions, and it could be said he does have a right to know how his financial support for you is being spent. None of any of that is any of my own business, of course, but there is at least a bit of "advice or something" you might or might not wish to ponder.

I get a stipend of barely enough to cover my rent, none of the money he has ever given me has gone to drugs. Whether its concern or judgement, I'm an adult and can make my own decisions and whether I do drugs or not has no affect on him considering I'm still fulfilling all my responsibilities :/ Not to mention drugs (weed at least) is not legal in my state.

As a parent I'd be concerned. That 8 hrs can ruin your whole life if you get caught. everything you worked for will go up in flames.

Have you and your dad talked about this much? It could be he is just afraid of the potential cost (as Miguel'smom said)---my son was caught for something and he is doing OK but it has impacted his life in ways that hurt (for a time limited job options for example...he has worked in the past with kids, loves this, would never do anything to endanger any child but since the charge was drug related he cannot do this work until he is (luckily) able to have this expunged from his record) Then again, you are an adult, married, doing OK and the choice is yours. You don't have to share everything you do with your father. You can build a relationship around other aspects of your life.

As I stated, cannabis is legal in my state, I'm not doing illegal things. Even if I was, I'm in my own home with zero risk of anybody ever knowing.

I don't want to share everything with him, but he demands that I tell hi the truth about it and he has obviously gotten information about it from one of my relatives, I just don't know how to get him to let it go.

If you don't want your dad's judgment about your drug use, stop relying on him financially. Then he really doesn't have any say. You are a married adult; time to get off his dole and then you really will not have to deal with his judgments. As long as your parent is still supporting you financially, they do have a vested interest.

So, you're saying to drop out of my masters program and live on the streets? I don't think anybody benefits from that situation, lol. I live in California, my rent is $1800/month, there is zero way I could pay that even working full time.

Maybe just keep what you do to yourself, don't share with relatives/others.
Is your father threatening to stop support unless you do as he says?
Could you just repeat, without getting angry "I'm not going to talk about that with you at this time."? You might just have to deal with it the best you can until you are independent---&, if anyone else knows, or you buy from someone, and it is something illegal, there is always some risk. Is there something else going on that isn't being said?

Then again, you could just not do those things until you are on your own. Do you ever use his money for pot?

I literally can't use his money for drugs, they on't even cover my rent and utilities. I am drugs like twice a year with friends, I don't pay anything for them. I could technically stop, but to be honest, I'm not going to because its ridiculous.

Well, I guess it's either 8 hours a month or twice a year....

The problem is that this is the parenting section and you're most likely getting responses from parents....So please don't be annoyed about the viewpoint you're getting.

This is a 'don't ask, don't tell' situation...

I'm confused.
First you said that if your dad stopped giving you money you'd be out on the streets.
Then you say his money doesn't even cover your rent & utilities. So which is it.

You said you used drugs typically once a month or less. Then you said twice a year.
So as a parent I see some discrepancies here. Maybe your dad does too.
First you told your dad everything....then you pulled away & told him it's not his business. As a parent this might be a red warning flag. He's worried.

If you're feeling guilty over lying to your dad about ur drug use then abstain from it till you finish your masters, get a job & tell your dad you don't need his money anymore.
If you have serious MH issues in CA talk to a dr & ask what you qualify for in using cannibis medicinally.
Or....just lie to your dad. We all lie. It's an option.
Or you tell your dad about your drug use & be honest. You enjoy it, it helps & if he wants to judge you about it...well your an adult now & it's painful. You'll get thru it. You're looking for validation from someone else. You need to find your own validation.

I think when I was close to 40yrs old I started to realize I needed to get the voices of my parents out of my head. Yes they are our lifetime teachers, but you need to take the reigns of your life soon. You'll make decisions that may hurt others in the process, but that's life. The good & the bad.
Are you ready for that?

Don't lose ur relationship with your dad over it.

My dad's money cover my rent and some of my utilities, that's $2000 / month that I'd be out on the streets without. I cover everything else myself. No discrepancy there.

As far as 8 hours a month versus twice a year, it fluctuates. I've been using like this for five years, so one was an estimate on the highest end, the other on the lowest.

I do have a medical card, and I do see mental health professionals who are aware of my usage.

I've ended up scheduling a therapy appointment with him while I'm visiting for the holidays, so hopefully that helps.

I hope the appointment goes well for you both & you come out feeling more comfortable about your relationship with him.
Keep us posted!!
Good luck