[TimTheEnchanter]

My daughter is a problem child - she is in 2nd year of High School and already she has...

a)shoplifted,
b)smoked pot,
c) and provided alcohol to her friends at a party where the other two now is MAYBE charged with sexual assault. (she is a witness only)

This morning she was feeling under the weather so I gave her some cold meds, nicely asked her to take it 4 hours apart, so she can make it in school.
Before she left the house she has not taken the cold meds. But she started whining that she is so stressed and falling behind in school....then I lost it...
I am always yelling at her for various reasons ( I feel terrible, I cannot help it, nice does not work either) but mainly because she is very stubborn and we have to bail her out from the stupid choices she makes. Now I feel terrible. The problem is I see myself in her and I am petrified that she will have the same stupid struggle of the life I had. I do not know what to do. The only upside - I am seeing my pdoc maybe he will give me some chill pill...

[Trippin2.0]

Have you tried not bailing her out and allowing her to learn a lesson called "consequences"?

[TimTheEnchanter]

She got very scarred just recently when there is a police case about the boozing party, but no we have not even punished her yet. We cannot figure out how. Taking her phone would be the choice and maybe we shall do it when her grades fall. Right now her grades are OK, except one honors class she is failing...Thank you for your thoughts.

[Trippin2.0]

You're most welcome...

I wasn't so much referring to disciplinary action though (sorry if that was unclear)...


I was responding to your statement of "we have to bail her out from the stupid choices she makes"...


The truth is you don't, and its actually better for her in the long run should you not bail her out and let her face the consequences and clean up her own messes.


My daughter is younger (starting HS in January) but I noticed early on that my bailing her out (like staying up all night to complete her projects because she "forgot") was just teaching her that I would not only let her get away with being irresponsible, but that I would take said responsibility upon myself.


Pretty sure she took advantage of me on occasion.

Anyway long story shorter... I threatened not to bail her out, and without a written excuse to her teacher... And I followed through.


Scared her straight, and while she still sucks at prioritizing (what 12y.o doesn't?) she knows the onus is on her if she screws up.


When I was about 15, I got into some really rebellious stuff, yes booz and stealing included...


Best thing my mom did was say "Well we thought we were doing you a favour by giving you extra rope, but it seems you're intent on hanging yourself with it. So go ahead, I wash my hands off of you"


Gosh. Probably one of theeeee harshest things ANYONE'S said to me, but it made me take notice and brought me back to my senses.


No. I didn't suddenly turn into a pristine angel, but I was much pickier about the level of shyt I would attempt and the people I would attempt it with. Kind of like responsible rebelling. If there were such a thing....


Sorry.

Didn't mean to talk your ear off.


Just wanted you to know that being a great parent isn't always about protecting our kids, sometimes they have to learn what hurts, so they can learn to make better choices.

PS. I didn't see anything in your post that suggests you're hurting her at all.

[brooke34]

I agree with trippin2.0.

The best way to teach her is to let her suffer her own consequences. If you're always bailing her out, then technically there are no consequences regardless of taking her phone away etc...

I was an awful teenager, always partying, fighting, getting arrested etc... My mom used to pick me up from the police station and bring me home. Then one day when I was 17, she decided not to. So the charges were filed and I had to go through court and sentencing. Mostly ended up having to do community hours and write apology letters and what not, and go through the county jail. I was so angry with her. Threatened her, yelled at her, told her she would never see me again etc...

but ultimately, I chilled out after that.

Sadly, had she not done that, My behavior would have continued into adulthood and onto my record. My mom's tough love was the best thing for me.

Just something to think about.

[*Laurie*]

Live by example.

Love your daughter no matter what. (Sometimes that means bailing her out, sometimes not. There is no hard and fast rule, except to show her love.)

Her grades are holding steady, for the most part - that's GREAT! Let her know how proud you are of her.

Please consider family therapy...it really can help.