My son's internet abuse

My son abuses the internet. He is 13 and has Autism/ADHD.

Last night the police visited as there has been a complaint that someone on instagram has been inciting minors to engage in sexual activity, and sending other sexualised messages to children.

What makes it worse is that he set up the account in my name, with my picture.

Fortunately the policeman knows us and says he thought the messages sounded like something my son would send rather than me.

At the moment his cell/mobile phone is in my car boot/trunk along with his tablet device. Last night we had a confrontation as he would not give me the keys back.

I am closing the blinds in my office at work today and just hiding from the world. I am so upset .

Are you, and your son getting any professional help? This sounds really serious.
Is your son able to understand consequences of behaviors? At 13 the interest in sex is understandable but the way it is expressing itself is troubling.
((((((big hug)))))) Is there a peer support group you might be able to use to share with other parents in similar situations? Would the policeman be willing to talk to your son about the potential criminal charges r/t this? (if it would mean something to him that is)
How is he doing in school? Friends? Sports? Other?

We have a social worker but I guess there is a limit to what she can do. She came to the school today to talk to our son as he was trying to hang himself with his belt. She is coming around again to see us in 2 days.

Apparently he did all this because he is upset that often I want my own space and want to be left alone. It looks like I might need to plan to spend more time with my son.

He's seriously out of control. I'm sending you strength. I hope you find professional support for him and keep all involved safe.

We have a device called Torch which runs thru our server & allows us to control every screen device in our house.
I'm wondering if this would be helpful to you. You can block content, sites, remotely shut devices down & put timers on them.
I can go on each device & see the history of what they've been watching.
I'm hoping the best for you & your son.

Does he need inpatient treatment? Or a day program?
Is there any structured activity that he does, or would engage in? (a sport for instance...) Is there any activity you and your son can engage in together that 'works' in a healthy way?
My heart goes out to you. Do ask the social worker if there any other resources in the community you might be able to take advantage of.
((((hug))))

& don't forget that you need, and must have, some time for YOU in order to be there for him.

I think inpatient treatment would be overkill and he would never get it here in the UK under our National Health Service.

I am planning to do some basic construction work in our house on the weekend and he might join me in that. I have also decided to devote a few minutes a day just to talk to him, so he knows he is not being rejected.

I will ask the social worker this evening.

Yes this is true and herein lies the conflict. I work full-time as a software developer. I work part-time as an associate lecturer (adjunct instructor) in computer science. And I run a group that goes on walks. Plus I have to deal with my family....

In a thread just a few months ago, you described your son doing the following: "He has threatened us with knives, messed up our house, tried to break into properties, threatened a local shopkeeper with a plank of wood, and is often aggressive and unreasonable.

This week he has had some after school detentions for silly things. Also a policeman came around to give him some advice: don't make bomb threats. He rang up his school on 12th May saying it was going to be blown up.

On Friday the deputy head of his school rang to say that he has been chasing another boy from the school and threatening him with a brick. Apparently he threw the brick into the road where there were cars, although he did not hit one. The boy's mother was in tears."

Your son is a danger to you and to other people -- a serious danger. I don't think inpatient treatment sounds like overkill at all. His behaviors are headed toward seriously and perhaps criminally harming someone. Please work on impressing to authorities/doctors, etc. how serious his behaviors are and how vital it is that his treatment be handled with more intensity and clear intervention. You owe that to the people around you because at that point that he does step over that line into illegality and harming another person, you are going to the the ones held ultimately responsible for the behaviors of your minor child.

I understand what you are saying but we are talking about a vulnerable 13 year old boy here. This service would not be available in our community in these circumstances.

The social worker is visiting in about 90 minutes. I am not looking forward to it as my wife does not get on with her and the visits seem to achieve very little apart from putting my wife in a bad mood for a day. A bad mood which then has a negative effect on the rest of us.

If services/residential program/inpatient/other are really not available, it might be good for your son to experience the consequences of his behavior---in a humane way, but if need be through the criminal justice system. Fines to pay/work off. Time in a cell, with education from social worker/police on what his behavior will result in once he is no longer a "vulnerable 13yo" or if he actually harms someone. It sounds like he has learned, so far, that his aggression has few, if any, real down sides. Sorry, it might sound harsh but he clearly, if the above is accurate, may not have an adult life if this is not dealt with.

Does he take any medication? If yes an adjustment/trials? If no, worth trying.

I am concerned about any kid in trouble and their parent(s)---I worked years in psych (including adolescent/child) and corrections (where I saw certain of the same kids a few years later...)---and I always think that some things could have been prevented if dealt with early and in an ongoing way.

But parenting IS a full time job...

I have an 11 year old with ASD and ADHD. I understand where you are coming from. We are also dealing with aggression and physical lashing out at others. I see the suicide attempt as a cry for help. We have to fight and advocate for the services our kids need. I know the UK medical system somewhat as I have a bunch of friends there. And I think he needs to be on meds if he is not already.

I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm thinking of you. But I'm going to go out on a limb here. To help, not stress you out.

You are vulnerable to extremely serious criminal charges (still innocent until proven guilty) here with your son using your name and this activity. It doesn't matter that the police knows you. The State District Attorney's Office is the one who decides to file charges. Also, the potential civil lawsuits by victims' are ... who knows how many.

This is unofficial legal advice and I promise my intent is not to upset you. You should strongly consider NO computer access. Maybe no computer in the house.

I hope things get better. Perhaps a full assessment for personality disorders might be helpful, if that hasn't been ruled out. I hope he is able to live a happy life within the confines of the law. He's on a fast track to felony juvenile delinquency. It's not your fault.

You sound like a great parent going through many challenges. I hope my post wasn't offensive. I'm a retired attorney and this is not legal advice...consider it a layperson's opinion.

This is good advice.

Children with autism needs special care specially from their parents. They are usually attached to their parents and have a hard time expressing their feelings to others. They always need more attention and care since they behave immaturely even if they are at the right age already. Seek medical help as this will really help you in your battle with his medical condition and you really need to be patient enough with your child. Try to understand him the best that you can. For sure, this will be a serious matter already and really hard to control. You always need a support from other members of the family as well.

There is an amazing program I have used called "The Total Transformation Program" on the empowering parents website. It is expensive but well worth every dime. It focuses on aiding children who struggle in this way. I have used it myself with spectacular results in working with many children and parents through the years. I highly recommend it. The man who developed the program did so after going to prison and
can get inside these kids heads.

On another note. We are not talking about a vulnerable 13 year old boy. We are talking about an abuser, manipulator and future resident of the prison system. It is vital you look at your son as he is now, now who you want him to be. He will have positive traits but those are being shadowed by his lack of skills in getting his needs and wants met in a straight forward and healthy manner. The other thing he is lacking is accountability imho from the posts I am reading.

There is also an amazing book called "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K Simon that addresses manipulation in children in one chapter as well as a book called "Cleaning House: A Mother's 12 Month Experiment in Ridding Her Home of Youth Entitlement". I forget the author but it isn't hard to look up.

If I were you I would start with the Transformation Program. They also have a help line that you can call anytime to gain support from professionals in the field. I have used it often and they are great. The first month of it is free with the program but after that is a paid service. It's a start though.