Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Feb 14, 2017, 03:42 AM
Data's Avatar
Data Data is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 48
My son abuses the internet. He is 13 and has Autism/ADHD.

Last night the police visited as there has been a complaint that someone on instagram has been inciting minors to engage in sexual activity, and sending other sexualised messages to children.

What makes it worse is that he set up the account in my name, with my picture.

Fortunately the policeman knows us and says he thought the messages sounded like something my son would send rather than me.

At the moment his cell/mobile phone is in my car boot/trunk along with his tablet device. Last night we had a confrontation as he would not give me the keys back.

I am closing the blinds in my office at work today and just hiding from the world. I am so upset .
Hugs from:
Nammu, TishaBuv, Yours_Truly

advertisement
  #2  
Old Feb 14, 2017, 08:19 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
Are you, and your son getting any professional help? This sounds really serious.
Is your son able to understand consequences of behaviors? At 13 the interest in sex is understandable but the way it is expressing itself is troubling.
((((((big hug)))))) Is there a peer support group you might be able to use to share with other parents in similar situations? Would the policeman be willing to talk to your son about the potential criminal charges r/t this? (if it would mean something to him that is)
How is he doing in school? Friends? Sports? Other?
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


Thanks for this!
Data, Yours_Truly
  #3  
Old Feb 14, 2017, 05:22 PM
Data's Avatar
Data Data is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
Are you, and your son getting any professional help? This sounds really serious.
Is your son able to understand consequences of behaviors? At 13 the interest in sex is understandable but the way it is expressing itself is troubling.
((((((big hug)))))) Is there a peer support group you might be able to use to share with other parents in similar situations? Would the policeman be willing to talk to your son about the potential criminal charges r/t this? (if it would mean something to him that is)
How is he doing in school? Friends? Sports? Other?
We have a social worker but I guess there is a limit to what she can do. She came to the school today to talk to our son as he was trying to hang himself with his belt. She is coming around again to see us in 2 days.

Apparently he did all this because he is upset that often I want my own space and want to be left alone. It looks like I might need to plan to spend more time with my son.
  #4  
Old Feb 14, 2017, 05:26 PM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
He's seriously out of control. I'm sending you strength. I hope you find professional support for him and keep all involved safe.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
Thanks for this!
Data
  #5  
Old Feb 14, 2017, 07:51 PM
Patagonia's Avatar
Patagonia Patagonia is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: In my own little world, NO trespassing!
Posts: 4,660
We have a device called Torch which runs thru our server & allows us to control every screen device in our house.
I'm wondering if this would be helpful to you. You can block content, sites, remotely shut devices down & put timers on them.
I can go on each device & see the history of what they've been watching.
I'm hoping the best for you & your son.
__________________
"Doubt is like dye. Once it spreads into the fabric of excuses you've woven, you'll never get rid of the stain."
Jodi Picoult
Thanks for this!
Data
  #6  
Old Feb 15, 2017, 09:09 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
Quote:
Originally Posted by Data View Post
We have a social worker but I guess there is a limit to what she can do. She came to the school today to talk to our son as he was trying to hang himself with his belt. She is coming around again to see us in 2 days.

Apparently he did all this because he is upset that often I want my own space and want to be left alone. It looks like I might need to plan to spend more time with my son.
Does he need inpatient treatment? Or a day program?
Is there any structured activity that he does, or would engage in? (a sport for instance...) Is there any activity you and your son can engage in together that 'works' in a healthy way?
My heart goes out to you. Do ask the social worker if there any other resources in the community you might be able to take advantage of.
((((hug))))
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


  #7  
Old Feb 15, 2017, 09:10 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
& don't forget that you need, and must have, some time for YOU in order to be there for him.
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


  #8  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 05:56 AM
Data's Avatar
Data Data is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
Does he need inpatient treatment? Or a day program?
Is there any structured activity that he does, or would engage in? (a sport for instance...) Is there any activity you and your son can engage in together that 'works' in a healthy way?
My heart goes out to you. Do ask the social worker if there any other resources in the community you might be able to take advantage of.
((((hug))))
I think inpatient treatment would be overkill and he would never get it here in the UK under our National Health Service.

I am planning to do some basic construction work in our house on the weekend and he might join me in that. I have also decided to devote a few minutes a day just to talk to him, so he knows he is not being rejected.

I will ask the social worker this evening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
& don't forget that you need, and must have, some time for YOU in order to be there for him.
Yes this is true and herein lies the conflict. I work full-time as a software developer. I work part-time as an associate lecturer (adjunct instructor) in computer science. And I run a group that goes on walks. Plus I have to deal with my family....
Hugs from:
winter4me
  #9  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 08:01 AM
Anonymous50005
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
In a thread just a few months ago, you described your son doing the following: "He has threatened us with knives, messed up our house, tried to break into properties, threatened a local shopkeeper with a plank of wood, and is often aggressive and unreasonable.

This week he has had some after school detentions for silly things. Also a policeman came around to give him some advice: don't make bomb threats. He rang up his school on 12th May saying it was going to be blown up.

On Friday the deputy head of his school rang to say that he has been chasing another boy from the school and threatening him with a brick. Apparently he threw the brick into the road where there were cars, although he did not hit one. The boy's mother was in tears."

Your son is a danger to you and to other people -- a serious danger. I don't think inpatient treatment sounds like overkill at all. His behaviors are headed toward seriously and perhaps criminally harming someone. Please work on impressing to authorities/doctors, etc. how serious his behaviors are and how vital it is that his treatment be handled with more intensity and clear intervention. You owe that to the people around you because at that point that he does step over that line into illegality and harming another person, you are going to the the ones held ultimately responsible for the behaviors of your minor child.
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
  #10  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 09:15 AM
Data's Avatar
Data Data is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolagrace View Post
In a thread just a few months ago, you described your son doing the following: "He has threatened us with knives, messed up our house, tried to break into properties, threatened a local shopkeeper with a plank of wood, and is often aggressive and unreasonable.

This week he has had some after school detentions for silly things. Also a policeman came around to give him some advice: don't make bomb threats. He rang up his school on 12th May saying it was going to be blown up.

On Friday the deputy head of his school rang to say that he has been chasing another boy from the school and threatening him with a brick. Apparently he threw the brick into the road where there were cars, although he did not hit one. The boy's mother was in tears."

Your son is a danger to you and to other people -- a serious danger. I don't think inpatient treatment sounds like overkill at all. His behaviors are headed toward seriously and perhaps criminally harming someone. Please work on impressing to authorities/doctors, etc. how serious his behaviors are and how vital it is that his treatment be handled with more intensity and clear intervention. You owe that to the people around you because at that point that he does step over that line into illegality and harming another person, you are going to the the ones held ultimately responsible for the behaviors of your minor child.
I understand what you are saying but we are talking about a vulnerable 13 year old boy here. This service would not be available in our community in these circumstances.
  #11  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 10:44 AM
Data's Avatar
Data Data is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 48
The social worker is visiting in about 90 minutes. I am not looking forward to it as my wife does not get on with her and the visits seem to achieve very little apart from putting my wife in a bad mood for a day. A bad mood which then has a negative effect on the rest of us.
  #12  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 10:53 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
If services/residential program/inpatient/other are really not available, it might be good for your son to experience the consequences of his behavior---in a humane way, but if need be through the criminal justice system. Fines to pay/work off. Time in a cell, with education from social worker/police on what his behavior will result in once he is no longer a "vulnerable 13yo" or if he actually harms someone. It sounds like he has learned, so far, that his aggression has few, if any, real down sides. Sorry, it might sound harsh but he clearly, if the above is accurate, may not have an adult life if this is not dealt with.
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


Thanks for this!
lizardlady, RainyDay107
  #13  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 10:54 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
Does he take any medication? If yes an adjustment/trials? If no, worth trying.
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


  #14  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 10:55 AM
winter4me's Avatar
winter4me winter4me is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
Posts: 7,733
I am concerned about any kid in trouble and their parent(s)---I worked years in psych (including adolescent/child) and corrections (where I saw certain of the same kids a few years later...)---and I always think that some things could have been prevented if dealt with early and in an ongoing way.
__________________
"...don't say Home
/ the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris


Thanks for this!
lizardlady
  #15  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 02:03 PM
Anonymous37954
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
But parenting IS a full time job...
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
  #16  
Old Feb 16, 2017, 02:39 PM
technigal's Avatar
technigal technigal is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,625
I have an 11 year old with ASD and ADHD. I understand where you are coming from. We are also dealing with aggression and physical lashing out at others. I see the suicide attempt as a cry for help. We have to fight and advocate for the services our kids need. I know the UK medical system somewhat as I have a bunch of friends there. And I think he needs to be on meds if he is not already.
__________________
Mags

Depression diagnosed March 1996
PTSD diagnosed January 2000
BPD diagnosed September 2013
  #17  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 08:21 AM
RainyDay107's Avatar
RainyDay107 RainyDay107 is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: M
Posts: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by Data View Post
My son abuses the internet. He is 13 and has Autism/ADHD.

Last night the police visited as there has been a complaint that someone on instagram has been inciting minors to engage in sexual activity, and sending other sexualised messages to children.

What makes it worse is that he set up the account in my name, with my picture.

Fortunately the policeman knows us and says he thought the messages sounded like something my son would send rather than me.

At the moment his cell/mobile phone is in my car boot/trunk along with his tablet device. Last night we had a confrontation as he would not give me the keys back.

I am closing the blinds in my office at work today and just hiding from the world. I am so upset .
I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm thinking of you. But I'm going to go out on a limb here. To help, not stress you out.

You are vulnerable to extremely serious criminal charges (still innocent until proven guilty) here with your son using your name and this activity. It doesn't matter that the police knows you. The State District Attorney's Office is the one who decides to file charges. Also, the potential civil lawsuits by victims' are ... who knows how many.

This is unofficial legal advice and I promise my intent is not to upset you. You should strongly consider NO computer access. Maybe no computer in the house.

I hope things get better. Perhaps a full assessment for personality disorders might be helpful, if that hasn't been ruled out. I hope he is able to live a happy life within the confines of the law. He's on a fast track to felony juvenile delinquency. It's not your fault.

You sound like a great parent going through many challenges. I hope my post wasn't offensive. I'm a retired attorney and this is not legal advice...consider it a layperson's opinion.
  #18  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 08:24 AM
RainyDay107's Avatar
RainyDay107 RainyDay107 is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: M
Posts: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
If services/residential program/inpatient/other are really not available, it might be good for your son to experience the consequences of his behavior---in a humane way, but if need be through the criminal justice system. Fines to pay/work off. Time in a cell, with education from social worker/police on what his behavior will result in once he is no longer a "vulnerable 13yo" or if he actually harms someone. It sounds like he has learned, so far, that his aggression has few, if any, real down sides. Sorry, it might sound harsh but he clearly, if the above is accurate, may not have an adult life if this is not dealt with.
This is good advice.
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
  #19  
Old May 13, 2017, 08:09 AM
Emilia Jackson Emilia Jackson is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: North Dakota, USA
Posts: 4
Children with autism needs special care specially from their parents. They are usually attached to their parents and have a hard time expressing their feelings to others. They always need more attention and care since they behave immaturely even if they are at the right age already. Seek medical help as this will really help you in your battle with his medical condition and you really need to be patient enough with your child. Try to understand him the best that you can. For sure, this will be a serious matter already and really hard to control. You always need a support from other members of the family as well.
  #20  
Old May 18, 2017, 03:20 PM
finding myself finding myself is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 6
There is an amazing program I have used called "The Total Transformation Program" on the empowering parents website. It is expensive but well worth every dime. It focuses on aiding children who struggle in this way. I have used it myself with spectacular results in working with many children and parents through the years. I highly recommend it. The man who developed the program did so after going to prison and
can get inside these kids heads.

On another note. We are not talking about a vulnerable 13 year old boy. We are talking about an abuser, manipulator and future resident of the prison system. It is vital you look at your son as he is now, now who you want him to be. He will have positive traits but those are being shadowed by his lack of skills in getting his needs and wants met in a straight forward and healthy manner. The other thing he is lacking is accountability imho from the posts I am reading.

There is also an amazing book called "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K Simon that addresses manipulation in children in one chapter as well as a book called "Cleaning House: A Mother's 12 Month Experiment in Ridding Her Home of Youth Entitlement". I forget the author but it isn't hard to look up.

If I were you I would start with the Transformation Program. They also have a help line that you can call anytime to gain support from professionals in the field. I have used it often and they are great. The first month of it is free with the program but after that is a paid service. It's a start though.
  #21  
Old Aug 04, 2017, 08:26 AM
cherryberry cherryberry is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Aug 2016
Location: US
Posts: 54
Have this kid put in juvenile! My older son has severe issues, too. I only wish I'd acted before it was too late. ��
  #22  
Old Aug 04, 2017, 08:42 AM
ReptileInYourHead's Avatar
ReptileInYourHead ReptileInYourHead is offline
Veteran Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: In the back of your mind
Posts: 708
Data, Sophie is right. Family comes first, you are a busy person and perhaps going for walks with friends s not as important as helping your son.
A "few minutes a day to talk" is probably not going to cut it.
You want to help your son, and he told you how he thinks you can help him.
Reply
Views: 7362

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:34 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.