[Matthew1982]

Hello. My fiancé is having a terrible time with her 6 year old and has been having issues with him since he was born. Her and I have been doing a long distance relationship now for almost three years. I have no kids and I'm 34 years old. She has one son who is 6 and she's 30 years old.

From the beginning of our relationship it was very clear that she was having many issues in parenting her child. Her son has been diagnosed with ADHD and has been on medication for it since I believe he was 3. He has been recently tested for autism because he has some of the traits. We believe it to be on the milder side and his pediatrician believes it be a sensory form of autism. We should be getting the results back on that soon. He's on an anti psychotic medicine that's supposed to help with his violent outbursts. He also has to take sleeping meds so he stays asleep through the night. As far as I know, even when he was a baby, he's never napped.

You literally cannot do anything you want to do as an adult as long as he is around. Go to the grocery store. Not happening. Go to a restaurant. No way. Want to take a quick break and watch something on tv while he colors or plays with a toy. Nope. He requires almost constant attention and has always been that way. He is independent in the sense that he wants to do everything himself, but he requires constant attention in the sense that he will not play alone.

He is very very very busy. His meds help somewhat but morning and nights are the worst because that's before he's had meds and at night they've already worn off. She's never been able to experience being a happy parent with her child without getting upset because he constantly has tantrums, back talks, only wants to do what he wants and will get extremely upset if you tell him no on anything. It's something I'm not used to seeing because all my nieces and nephews do not have these issues. I'm used to seeing a child listen when you tell them something. Not him. He will fight and fight when he's upset and doesn't get what he wants. And that's with almost everything.

Now, after saying all of this, here is my primary concern. Violence. He gets very very violent with his mom and his grandmother. He kicks, punches, throws things and will abuse animals from time to time. The thing is, he only does it with his mom and just a little with his grandmother. She shares custody with the sons father 50/50. Week on week off. He does not have violent outbursts when he's at his dads. Not even towards his dad's wife. It's almost 100% with his mother only. He's been in behavioral therapy now for 3 years and I've seen some progress, but not much. He's able to communicate his frustrations more now but I think that has to do with his speech therapy.

Her and her son will be moving in soon and I'm concerned with this. As her future husband, my mindset is to separate him from his mother anytime he gets violent. In my mind, when he hits, kicks and punches his mom, he no longer is allowed to be around her. I've suggested when that happens, he goes back to his fathers house and is told that as long as you abuse your mommy, you will not be around her. I think behavioral therapy is great for him and will help his overall mental state with other people, kids, teachers etc. But he continues to abuse and yell at his mother and not listen. But he will listen to others. In my mind, I think he and his mother need some sort of counseling together and he should not be allowed to have anymore overnights with her until this violent behavior stops. He needs to know there are consequences for that. He is very smart and knows what he is doing and can be very vindictive.

I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice from people because I only want what's best and I feel like what's been happening is not working. Thank you all for taking the time to read.

[technigal]

my son is almost 12 but he has autism and adhd so I understand where your concerns come from. It is not easy being a special needs parent. One thing that has to happen is a strict routine, when we mess even slightly with my son's routine it is a disaster. I don't think sending him off to his father's when he is violent is the answer, these kids have very short attention spans (even when medicated) and he will not understand why he is being punished. It is better to remove him to a safe place where he can calm down. Your fiancee and her son definitely need family therapy as the situation right now is out of control.

Hope that helps.

[healingme4me]

How does your fiancee feel about the plan to send him to his father's everytime he acts out like this? Is his father willing to take him at a minutes notice despite the presumably court ordered visitation schedule?

I do agree having family counseling could help these two work through this. No sense in giving up on a child that is letting their mom know they aren't in a good place.

Why do you think it is that he's only like this with her? What does she currently do that isn't working?