Help with 20 yo daughter

@sarahsweets
I did get another opinion, and it was the same later in life. Either take the add meds or no help. His grades did not improve. It doesn't make a person's I.Q. any different. He has more issues that are deeper than this, and I'm in the process of helping him get a psychiatric evaluation. I thank you for your input, and I'm happy it worked for you to use that method. I know meds aren't the "demons" that people believe they are. It's whatever works for one particular individual.

Hi- just wanted to check and see how things are going. I have had a similar situation, and it is jarring to have a kid act that way when you've devoted your whole life to trying to be a good parent & help them deal with their issues.

Hi there!
Were you asking me this? I’m ok but basically what I do is lay low. My daughter is 21 and hopefully moving out in November. Everything goes fine until you challenge her about something. If I do challenge her, it can escalate to the point she’s calling me unspeakable names and then after she never apologizes. She just ignores you until enough time passes you gradually start speaking again. I’m convinced she’s got a personality disorder that doesn’t allow her to accept being challenged so she manipulates every scenario to make it suit her.
One example of her (I think) refusing to accept responsibility and gaslighting and laying the blame elsewhere was the other night. I put the toaster oven on to make a pizza. When it beeped ready I opened the door and a plume of smoke came out. My daughter had made onion rings and left them in there. When she appeared a few minutes later, I said to her - you left those in the oven and smoke came out. She started by saying she had put the onion rings back in to cook for longer to which I replied- yeah but don’t walk away and leave them in there. Well, her reply raised my blood pressure so fast. She said - you should check the oven before you switch it on, effectively shifting blame. Luckily this diffused quickly because as I wrote on here the last argument over her telling me to wash a pot for her ended with her throwing me cheating on her father (there’s a story I’m not going into here) and calling me a wh**e. It’s kinda funny to me how she thinks I’m a wh**e when she’s mad at me but happy to live with me for free. If she hates me that much why is she living here? The truth is if I make her mad she brings out the most hurtful words she can. It never fails. So yeah I just don’t get in any conflicts with her and wait until she moves out. I definitely don’t have a normal relationship with her because I don’t think she loves me. And my feelings for her have become very guarded because Ive been hurt so often.
How are you doing?

Rebecca, you did everything right by her. You were a good parent by what I read, you sought counselling and it also looks to me that you and your husband supported each other.
I really wish that I could say that I have been there, done that but my little girl is only about ten.
I would have to say that she may need some tough love. She may also need to figure out seeking help on her own. As a parent that is hard to say. As a child that grew up in an environment completely different than hers, she won't openly think she needs help.
You will unfortunately get blamed for a while until she can grow up and learn.
I have seen a lot of this first hand with family and friends and peers in the mental health community. My little sister and I had a pretty good up bringing but she rebelled, hard core and sometimes I am embarrassed by how she talks to our dad. Now she is married, we are in our forties, she has settled down a little.
A lot of people I see, they seem to not either want help or they don't want to help themselves. The later is the hardest because they usually just accept a label and let a doctor do whatever the doc wants. Which is not always the right answer, self advocacy, good support and time.
Be open. Do not push. She's an adult now. Love her, let her know she is loved. The rest will come with time.
I am not a doctor or professional, just a kid who grew up with severe abuse. I am disabled and have been actively involved in my mental health problems since 2014, before that I didn't even try. Now I have control and I say to my doctors I am willing to do what it takes but we have our boundaries.
Another unfortunate thing is the generation thing. I have seen way too many kids now that feel that they are entitled to everything and everything right now. They tell adults that you cannot do that, like she did with her grandmother. And some of that is our fault, some is our parents faults but mostly it is our American culture's fault.
I am almost sure that it won't be long before the dog is back with you because she will come to see she can't take care of it. Just be patient.
Don't give up, don't push, just love.. All we need is love..

Oh, I'm OK - it's hard bc it feels like I'm mourning a death, when she's alive but just hates me, lol. We have no contact, bc I am not willing to sit still for abuse, and she's not willing to change her behavior. Sad.
I hope she is able to move out in November, and get some help to resolve her anger issues. She seems to not know how to express her feelings directly, and goes straight to verbal attacks and name-calling, instead of dealing with things that are bothering her, to resolve them. Hopefully she'll grow out of that over time, and things will get better. All the best to you!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toughcooki Oh, I'm OK - it's hard bc it feels like I'm mourning a death, when she's alive but just hates me, lol. We have no contact, bc I am not willing to sit still for abuse, and she's not willing to change her behavior. Sad. I hope she is able to move out in November, and get some help to resolve her anger issues. She seems to not know how to express her feelings directly, and goes straight to verbal attacks and name-calling, instead of dealing with things that are bothering her, to resolve them. Hopefully she'll grow out of that over time, and things will get better. All the best to you!!

This saddens my heart, but you will overcome.

Thank you