Help with 20 yo daughter

Hi Rebecca, I've tried to read through your thread since I'm dealing with many similar issues with my son who will be 20 soon. He is aggressive, wont help contribute when he has money, leaves all the cleaning and management of his life to me. I'm almost homeless. I'm on disability. I did kick him out a while ago, no charges laid but upon him returning his is still refusing to accept being responsible and respectful. I'm fed up. But during covid help is limited, shelters have waiting lists etc. I went so far in my life attending school meetings, getting counselors and support workers to no avail. My heart aches but there is only so much I can do. I cant demand respect from a son who has utterly no.value in his eyes of me. I too, retreat to my room, have to protect myself etc... the mental health system failed him. I am exhausting all resources to get him his own roof. I'm glad you.are free of her even though as mothers it is so difficult to do. I praise you for everything you did to help her. Best wishes to you and your family!

Hi there,
I'd like to answer some of these questions. She did not do well in school. Despite being very bright, she was never interested and did not complete assignments. At one point in Middle School, she did not bother to complete a 'portfolio' and just failed it. This continued right up to Grade 11 where again she just did not complete work. She got so behind that the assistant head of the school spoke to her and told her to just get what she could done, but she just gave up. She then announced that she was not going to finish HS, so she did nor attend Grade 12, and got her GED instead. She told us it would be great as she would get ahead of the curve and be working on her AA ahead of her friends, but that never happened. She just turned 21 and still no AA. (Bit of background here. We are from Scotland and I got my degree for free as tuition is free there. So we hear from her all the time that she refuses to go into debt to get a degree and that's the reason she is doing it so slowly. What she would not mention to anyone is that after school she did enroll in community college but was involved with a boy at the time, so we paid upfront for the whole year and she flunked out. After that we said you pay it and we will refund you if you pass. But she constantly makes remarks about how her friends get this, that and the other and she doesn't.)

Now, as for my husband, he wants a quiet life. He never did want to participate in the discipline part of parenting. I remember once, years ago, her behavior was not great and we were in the car and I said to him - we need to start doing a sticker chart or something, and he was like nah. He wants like the path of least resistance, so he prefers to just lie low and let her get on with it. Whereas I have a different temprament. I can't just ignore bad behavior, so I'll confront it and deal with it. I hope that explains somewhat why he is reluctant to say anything. (and why it became me versus her)

Thank you for the words of encouragament. Although we were obviously not prefect parents, I am a teacher and I worked with kids whose parents were awful for whatever reason. I saw kids for whom school was a respite as they had no idea whether they were going home to. They didn't know if they were going to eat/get beat up/find parents who had overdosed etc. So, I guess I just feel really upset at the fact that her childhood was 'normal' and actually quite good. She was looked after and loved and fed and taken on travels and had paid for hobbies. You know, within the realms of what would be considered 'normal', yet she was unhappier/worse behaved than those kids who had abusive homes. That was hard for me to understand.

I think from my own personal perspective too, my personality is so different to hers, so that is hard too. For example, I was subservient towards my mom in particular. I wanted to please her and I was very sad if she was mad at me, so my daughter treats me with a contempt and lack of love and I can't imgaine how she can be like that at all, so it's very hard to understand why she is like that!

Thanks for replying!

Hello there,
I am very sad to read this. You deserve better. I feel like no matter how hard life is, if your kids love you, it makes life so much better, so if you are already struggling and your son isn't appreciating you, that's very hard to take.
I feel the same about being let down by mental health help. I think it is VERY hard to find resources to help. You would think that we did nothing to help our daughter, but we did a LOT. She saw psychs, she saw therpaists, she was an inpatient for a few days. DCF (dept of children and families) came to the home to speak to her. (The DCF guy came and told her how lucky she was to live in our home and how he routinely went to the bad part of town where the poor kids had no chance as everything was stacked against them) but she took all the help and advice and just threw it away. If I had written down all of the things that had happened with her I'd have a book people would read and say 'that cannot be true.' I look back and wonder how my husband and I are still alive and sane to be honest. I mean I'm only relaying like 1/10th here of what she is like.
Anyway, I don't mean to turn this back to me. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I could make it better for you. I will be thinking about you and hoping that your situation improves, and that your son one day realizes how amazing you are and gives you the respect you deserve. Just know you are not alone. You did your best.
All of the love to you.

Thank you so much @rebecca1938
It means a lot to me to have someone understand. Just right now he's banging around here, stomping, opening my door taking a fit because he can't find a lighter. I honestly hope I don't get any housing, we will both be homeless but I'd rather do that then put up with the disrespect. Whatever is wrong with him, I'm still trying to get the doc who is away to follow up with getting him a psychiatrist. I wish you all the best through this tough life!!

I wonder if she could have ADHD. Forgive me if you mentioned it earlier in the thread and I’ve forgotten.

ADHD and ADD are thrown around and diagnosed without really knowing. My son was only about 6 years old and after a literal 10 minute appointment she said let's get him on adhd meds. We went on and off with meds for our son. The schools only comment "well he isnt a bother to any other kids when he's medicated" , meanwhile he is the one getting pushed and bullied. He didn't eat hardly anything and got irritable at night couldn't sleep. In my opinion and it's only my opinion, adhd is a garbage can diagnose to make a child "behave and be quiet". These are strong meds. Been on them myself and it's like you are zoned in but feel horrible and anxious at the same time. It might work for some parents, I'm not saying they are wrong to choose to medicate this way but I know my experience with so called "help" for my own son.

Well it’s funny you say that because she has been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ll say a couple of things regarding that though. First of all she was put on meds for it and they did not help her. I thought ADHD was one condition that can really be improved with meds. Second of all she definitely might have ADHD but in my opinion it’s not her only condition. I didn’t think ADHD made you unloving, oppositional, rude and nasty. Does it and I’m wrong?

I’m so sorry. I wish I could help. I can only say that I’m lucky only in that my daughter isn’t violent and she isn’t typically verbally abusive. She is only nasty/vindictive/vile when we have an argument. But I will say that my strategy is to avoid all and any conversation with her. Avoidance is what I do as the more I interact with her, the likelier it will be that it will descend into a horrible fight.
To be honest though I do have to bite my tongue because I just think her behavior is crap. It’s 1pm here right now and she’s still in her bed. She doesn’t eat properly. She doesn’t walk her dog. She makes a mess in my house and her crap is all over my dining room table. Her room is indescribable. It looks like crack den. There’s stuff everywhere including spilled stuff, stains in the carpet and wall and her toilet/shower/bathroom is disgusting. When she does move out I’m going to need it professionally cleaned and painted.

When you said she doesn’t finish things, it made me think ADHD. I can relate, as I think I have it but was not diagnosed. I think several members of my family do, too, also not diagnosed. My youngest son was diagnosed in second grade, but is very mild and he tried the meds briefly in fourth grade, said he didn’t feel like himself, so I took him off them. He’s done pretty well in school and is outstanding in music and holds leadership role in school now. My oldest son thought he had it, but he always performed just fine in school, so I never pursued it. He has now gotten himself tested and I think he is taking meds, although I am quite against that, but he’s an adult now so I have no influence anymore.

This is a good article about how is can be very different in many and coexist with other issues.
Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

That my be your experience and I want to validate that. I also want to share that it isnt always or usually the norm. If a doctor spends 10 minutes with you or your child or anyone and diagnoses them after those 10 minutes its time to find another doctor for a second opinion. I have BPII and ADHD and have been on adderall for 14 years. My son is 24 now and was diagnosed with adhd at 3.5 and began meds when he was 4. They literally saved him. His evals showed is IQ was off the chart but the adhd was preventing him from using that. He took meds until age 16 and made the decision to stop meds. He just graduated with a double major in Political science and journalism with a minor in international studies. He already passed his Pre-LSAT and is pre-law. He just got a job with an international company starting at 50k which for a fresh graduate is unheard of. I am not bragging just sharing that meds are not always the demons that they are believed to be but I am in agreement that they are not always for everyone. Both my girls are ADHD and cant tolerate the side effects of stimulants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2daffodils ADHD and ADD are thrown around and diagnosed without really knowing. My son was only about 6 years old and after a literal 10 minute appointment she said let's get him on adhd meds. We went on and off with meds for our son. The schools only comment "well he isnt a bother to any other kids when he's medicated" , meanwhile he is the one getting pushed and bullied. He didn't eat hardly anything and got irritable at night couldn't sleep. In my opinion and it's only my opinion, adhd is a garbage can diagnose to make a child "behave and be quiet". These are strong meds. Been on them myself and it's like you are zoned in but feel horrible and anxious at the same time. It might work for some parents, I'm not saying they are wrong to choose to medicate this way but I know my experience with so called "help" for my own son.

@sarahsweets
I did get another opinion, and it was the same later in life. Either take the add meds or no help. His grades did not improve. It doesn't make a person's I.Q. any different. He has more issues that are deeper than this, and I'm in the process of helping him get a psychiatric evaluation. I thank you for your input, and I'm happy it worked for you to use that method. I know meds aren't the "demons" that people believe they are. It's whatever works for one particular individual.

Hi- just wanted to check and see how things are going. I have had a similar situation, and it is jarring to have a kid act that way when you've devoted your whole life to trying to be a good parent & help them deal with their issues.

Hi there!
Were you asking me this? I’m ok but basically what I do is lay low. My daughter is 21 and hopefully moving out in November. Everything goes fine until you challenge her about something. If I do challenge her, it can escalate to the point she’s calling me unspeakable names and then after she never apologizes. She just ignores you until enough time passes you gradually start speaking again. I’m convinced she’s got a personality disorder that doesn’t allow her to accept being challenged so she manipulates every scenario to make it suit her.
One example of her (I think) refusing to accept responsibility and gaslighting and laying the blame elsewhere was the other night. I put the toaster oven on to make a pizza. When it beeped ready I opened the door and a plume of smoke came out. My daughter had made onion rings and left them in there. When she appeared a few minutes later, I said to her - you left those in the oven and smoke came out. She started by saying she had put the onion rings back in to cook for longer to which I replied- yeah but don’t walk away and leave them in there. Well, her reply raised my blood pressure so fast. She said - you should check the oven before you switch it on, effectively shifting blame. Luckily this diffused quickly because as I wrote on here the last argument over her telling me to wash a pot for her ended with her throwing me cheating on her father (there’s a story I’m not going into here) and calling me a wh**e. It’s kinda funny to me how she thinks I’m a wh**e when she’s mad at me but happy to live with me for free. If she hates me that much why is she living here? The truth is if I make her mad she brings out the most hurtful words she can. It never fails. So yeah I just don’t get in any conflicts with her and wait until she moves out. I definitely don’t have a normal relationship with her because I don’t think she loves me. And my feelings for her have become very guarded because Ive been hurt so often.
How are you doing?

Rebecca, you did everything right by her. You were a good parent by what I read, you sought counselling and it also looks to me that you and your husband supported each other.
I really wish that I could say that I have been there, done that but my little girl is only about ten.
I would have to say that she may need some tough love. She may also need to figure out seeking help on her own. As a parent that is hard to say. As a child that grew up in an environment completely different than hers, she won't openly think she needs help.
You will unfortunately get blamed for a while until she can grow up and learn.
I have seen a lot of this first hand with family and friends and peers in the mental health community. My little sister and I had a pretty good up bringing but she rebelled, hard core and sometimes I am embarrassed by how she talks to our dad. Now she is married, we are in our forties, she has settled down a little.
A lot of people I see, they seem to not either want help or they don't want to help themselves. The later is the hardest because they usually just accept a label and let a doctor do whatever the doc wants. Which is not always the right answer, self advocacy, good support and time.
Be open. Do not push. She's an adult now. Love her, let her know she is loved. The rest will come with time.
I am not a doctor or professional, just a kid who grew up with severe abuse. I am disabled and have been actively involved in my mental health problems since 2014, before that I didn't even try. Now I have control and I say to my doctors I am willing to do what it takes but we have our boundaries.
Another unfortunate thing is the generation thing. I have seen way too many kids now that feel that they are entitled to everything and everything right now. They tell adults that you cannot do that, like she did with her grandmother. And some of that is our fault, some is our parents faults but mostly it is our American culture's fault.
I am almost sure that it won't be long before the dog is back with you because she will come to see she can't take care of it. Just be patient.
Don't give up, don't push, just love.. All we need is love..

Oh, I'm OK - it's hard bc it feels like I'm mourning a death, when she's alive but just hates me, lol. We have no contact, bc I am not willing to sit still for abuse, and she's not willing to change her behavior. Sad.
I hope she is able to move out in November, and get some help to resolve her anger issues. She seems to not know how to express her feelings directly, and goes straight to verbal attacks and name-calling, instead of dealing with things that are bothering her, to resolve them. Hopefully she'll grow out of that over time, and things will get better. All the best to you!!

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Originally Posted by Toughcooki Oh, I'm OK - it's hard bc it feels like I'm mourning a death, when she's alive but just hates me, lol. We have no contact, bc I am not willing to sit still for abuse, and she's not willing to change her behavior. Sad. I hope she is able to move out in November, and get some help to resolve her anger issues. She seems to not know how to express her feelings directly, and goes straight to verbal attacks and name-calling, instead of dealing with things that are bothering her, to resolve them. Hopefully she'll grow out of that over time, and things will get better. All the best to you!!

This saddens my heart, but you will overcome.

Thank you