Help with 20 yo daughter

Hi,
I have posted here before but it’s been a while. My husband and I have struggled with our only child (now 20) ever since she was small. She was always very defiant. She was always very negative about her life and came out of school crying. But she had a good life. Also, my mum looked after her and she was naughty. Granny gave her a scolding and she told my mum ‘if you tell my parents I’ll say you hurt me.’ At preschool a volunteer parent described her as a nightmare. I took her to a doctor at around 10 and he said she had ODD. We went to years of counseling. Nothing helped. My husband and I went and took a mental health course. Now she’s 20. One night she made pasta and left the pot a mess. The next day I messaged her and asked her to clean it up. It started a huge argument. She called me a ‘psycho *****.’ She says I’m the reason she stayed with an abusive boyfriend. She says her childhood was awful. I’m just lost people. She has no proper diagnosis as far as I’m concerned. She’s had a ‘normal’ childhood yet acts like she’s had the worst childhood ever. She actually had little to no love or empathy for me or her dad. I just need to vent. I’m thinking my life is a joke. I did my best for her!!!