Should I be worried?

My boyfriend of one year has finally moved in with my 3 kids and I, 2 of which are mine, a 9 year old girl and 12 year old boy, and another 12 year old girl that I have been caring for for over 3 years. He worked out of state so we spent the first part of our relationship long distance only seeing each other about once a month. During this time my bf and 12 yr old foster daughter grew close corresponding over social media as she lacks a father figure in her life and they bonded over comics. Now that he has moved in I get an uncomfortable feeling when we are all in a room together because they are always messaging and sending pics to each other and looking back and forth at each other. He has never did anything out of the way because I would always read their messages and they are never alone together, but they have been messaging a lot on snapchat also and I can't read those messages since they disappear. He recently told me he was molested as a child and how much stuff like that disgusts him but now i worry that maybe that experience has left him not knowing proper boundaries. I hope he is just showing her extra attention and support because she lacks a father figure in her life, but he treats her much differently than my other 2 children. He has no problem being fatherly to the other 2 but struggles being authorative toward the 12 year old girl. It is odd to me how he stops what he is doing everytime she walks in the room and gives her his full attention. He is always asking about her when she goes to visit her grandparents and always checking her social media. He also seems overly concerned when she doesn't respond to him on social media and worries he did something to make her mad.. I have talked to him about the need to be less of her friend and more of a parental figure like he does the other 2 children, but should I worry about something more inappropriate going on with his intentions? He is a great guy and loves kids and I have no reason to believe it aside from the uncomfortable nagging feeling I keep getting. Am I just being overprotective of her? Or should I be concerned with their extra close relationship?

Hello Rosegal: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central. The Relationships & Communication forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm not a mental health professional. And the situation you describe seems complicated to me. I'm afraid I don't feel as though there would be anything I could say that would be truly helpful. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some insights they can share.)

I do personally feel as though there is cause for concern here. While there may not be anything inappropriate going on as of yet. This strikes me as potentially being one of those "slippery slope" types of situations. On the other hand, the 12 year old has clearly become seriously attached to your bf. And to suddenly yank him from her life could, I would presume, cause some serious upheaval.

So I think the only thing I could recommend would be some family counseling to clarify the different family members' roles & establish some boundaries. But, of course, all of the members of your family would need to be willing to participate in something like this for it to be of benefit.

Here are links to 2 articles from Psych Central's archives. The first is on the subject of emotional incest. The second is an "Ask The Therapist" column where the writer asked about inappropriate behavior between a daughter & stepdad. Perhaps the information in these articles can be of help with putting your own situation into perspective:

Emotional Incest: When Is Close Too Close?

Ask the Therapist

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you for the response. I sincerely hope I'm just being overprotective but either way I think I need to have a more serious discussion with him before I decide what to do. I hate to make him feel as though I'm accusing him especially since he has been through it before with an older male family member. I will do some research on how to properly approach the subject with him. Any advice would be great though! Thanks

I would absolutely think there's a boundary issue going on, at the very least. How does this guy get so much access to this girl via social media? He has crossed lines and is not at all relating to her like a father figure. He's coming off more like a boyfriend to her. Why private messaging if they live in the same house? And this began just prior to him moving in? Red flag.

He was molested as a child, himself? Red flag.

Snap chat? Red flag.

I would start seeing a couple's therapist, asap, to address parenting boundaries. Listen to your nagging gut. Something is off. I worry there's a bit of "grooming" going on. Look into that for early signs.

He should not be favouring one child over the others. I'm concerned with you.

^^^ I agree!

Thank you for putting those terms in bold and for your response. Seeing it like that makes a lot of sense. He has tried to connect with my other two kids but they haven't been as interested and responsive as my foster daughter in talking to him and getting to know him. So I have been telling myself that its just because he has already formed a relationship with her where as he has not formed as good of a relationship with the other two yet. But I see him always trying to find little ways of making my foster daughter feel special. It would be okay of he did that with all 3 kids but it seems he is singling her out. He absolutely does not seem like the type of person to do something inappropriate but I understand its people you would never suspect in the first place doing things like that. I just don't want my judgment to be clouded or make excuses for him without realizing it. If he is actually grooming her I dont see how I would ever be able to continue my relationship with him for the fear that would always be there.

Yes, but...what does "that type of person" seem like?


I have a friend, I met her in a group for incest survivors, her father did horrific things to her when she was a child. He was a respected member of his church, a lawyer, and very involved in the community. Not at all unusual for a perpetrator.

Just the messenging and pic swapping alone is enough cause for concern. When is that ever appropriate? And you have been together for a year and he is living with you and close to your foster daughter? Most foster kids have past trauma or are at the very least vunerable so if he were to groom someone it makes sense that its her. Also he may rationalize it in his mind as being ok because she is not your biological child.

If she were my daughter, I would not feel comfortable leaving her with him. He does not come across as a safe parental figure, quite the opposite.

He is, after all, male and there ought to be appropriate boundaries when dealing with a 12 year old girl.

Too many red flags here.

Hi, Rosegal, and welcome to Psych Central! I agree with the other folks. He needs to be doing that type of thing with you. Not with a child!

I spoke with him about boundaries and told him it was best if he did not private message the kids because we have a family chat on a couple different platforms. He agreed and said he was sorry and hasn't messaged her since that. He told me he only talks to her because she is the only one interested in talking back to him on social media, which is true, but still doesn't make it appropriate. He has taken note and it has gotten better but she left yesterday evening for a sleepover and of course I found him on snap maps seeing where she was. Thats just weird to me that he wants to know exactly where she is. I have also noticed at times he will put a hat on when he gets out of bed when she is in the other room. Its a hat that she got him for Christmas. It makes me uncomfortable because its almost like he is trying to look good for her. Does this seem weird to others or am I looking too hard to find evidence of innapropriateness. Am I over analyzing?