Needy

I feel like expressing to my son how I would like him to occasionally reach out to me to say hi.

I know how pathetic this sounds.

I held off on sending the needy text. Yikes, I sound like a gf he dumped. I feel like I’ve been dumped, too. I actually was.

I can keep reaching out to him once every two weeks, like I’ve been doing now since the wedding disaster. He will reply. The last exchange was a few cordial texts. He’s not cold, but not really warm. He never really was warm since before the rift, anyway. It was always just light banter, I suppose.

I guess I am craving some love and depth. Has he no idea how heart broken I feel? He must know and doesn’t care.

My husband said it’s normal for a grown son to only contact parents once every two months and that I should stop reaching out and wait for him. Well, I am on pins and needles over the waiting game, and I feel that he will never reach out.

How is it best to handle this on my own?

Hi Tisha,
I have an older son who is 28, and actually for at least 10 years he doesn't answer calls often or read my texts. He is very independent I suppose.
Maybe it is normal not to talk to parents that often. If I remember correctly I didn't think too much of my parents when I was in my 20's. I don't know how old your son is.

The thing I found best was to let it go for a while and trust he was o.k. It's very easy to say but hard to do. I get that you are missing him. I really do.... it's as though, for me anyway, what happened to you all of the sudden that you dont reply to my calls and tell me you don't bother reading my texts. My son is a good guy but I think if he would talk to me more he doesn't want to seem like he needs his mother for anything. Kind of an "I'm grown and I don't need my mothers attention any more, and all she wants is for me to reassure her"... that is my feeling in my situation. Wishing you the best.

I didn’t text him and it’s been two weeks. I’m really not playing a waiting game. I expect there will be no contact from him unless he has something important to say.

When he left for college, I was the only one who reached out once a week, I realized when I looked back at the texts. I had no expectations that a freshman son would necessarily be reaching out. My other college son did the same. I thought nothing of it.

Then after graduation, I still was the only one reaching out just the same. The middle son began to initiate contact mutually with me. I felt this was him growing up, and was lonely with no gf. The oldest son never did. He moved in with his gf and started planning their wedding. I continued to reach out the same to keep contact. It was just small talk mostly. It was also partly I was having intense emotional problems with his father over our toxic marriage that was on/off, and I was a wreck, though I tried to be ‘normal Mom’ mostly.

It was during this time, I noticed ice cold attitude from him toward me. But, it was so foreign, I was shocked by it and it didn’t register in my mind.

Then he and his bride fired off offense after offense moving toward their wedding and it became so bad, we didn’t attend his wedding.

So, his not speaking to us “for a long time” in his words was the situation. It’s nine months later now.

I’ve maintained contact with small talk. That’s as deep as it goes. He does not reach out at all.

So, I’m not sure if he ever would have regardless of his wife, but that sure put a nail in the coffin. Maybe we only had a deep relationship when in each other’s sight, as we had what I thought was a wonderful relationship until he graduated college.

So now I’m on pins and needles about this. He is not going to reach out to his parents in the height of a deadly pandemic where we could get it at any moment and possibly die.

The drama of the wedding is long over and we were trying to move forward. Obviously, he has much worse feelings for us than just that issue. He is completely turned against us, simply has no thoughts of us, or abandoned us for his wife.

I just have to accept this is what it is. I don’t want to call him right now either. I have to go to therapy about this and maybe increase meds for anxiety and learn to cope with this horrible feeling.

This resolved itself in the best way possible. He is fine with us and not grudge bearing or unloving. It’s a work in progress, and moving in the right direction. I’m so relieved.

Some things take time to figure out. When our relationships stay the same, perhaps we (or one of the peeps involved), aren't growing. Season's change :

He and I had a nice conversation yesterday. I told him I’m so glad he called me (yes, he was prompted by his dad when they spoke earlier). I told him it means so much to me to keep in touch with each other, care and feel cared for. Especially in a pandemic!

I told him that it would also be a good deed of him (a mitzvah) to call his grandma. I said I thought he has been way too hard on her more than she deserved. She was always loving to him, and the things she did that hurt me were way less than the overall love she has. Besides, she could go any minute in a pandemic! It would be nice for him to call her once in a while to ask how she is.

He has had unwarranted hatred toward her. He says it’s because she is so negative. Well, true, she is, but she isn’t completely and was always loving to him. I feel things were trumped up and distorted to separate him from his family by his new environment. Like he said, “I’ve had no drama in my life for the past three years”. So then his having a wedding where his parents were so offended they didn’t come was “no drama” to him. Interesting.

So my mother treated me badly, which led me to speak about that in front of my teenaged children, which led my son to treat me, my husband, and my mother badly saying we are toxic and not welcome in his new drama-free life. It’s all my fault for opening my mouth and I brought it on myself.

Learning from it and moving forward. Drama free, non toxic, new me...
(I’m saying this here so I don’t say it out loud and cause another chain reaction)

I came to the town where both grown sons live. We got together for breakfast. All D talked about was a fantasy game he creates and plays with his friends. Reframing this whole thing and how i have thought of him, to understand there was nothing more in his mind taking up any space.

Geez, I cried for two years and he gave me no thought. Still, it meant the world to me to listen to whatever he was rambling on about. To see him, to look into each other’s eyes, it lifted the anguish I’ve been under so much. The foolishness of how it was everything to me (and why wouldn’t it be...this is my beloved son!), but it was (nothing?) to him. I risked my life in a pandemic to achieve this, and it was worth it.

Now I’ll socially isolate to not bring germs home to protect others. I won’t have to speak of the shyt storm that happened to anyone ever again.

Pain does heal, though scars may never fully fade. Miracles do happen. Perspectives change. It’s kinda funny that he really may have very little substance, but I never saw it. I gave others more credit than they deserved. That’s always been a fault of mine.

I'm frankly shocked at how distant most adult children are from their parents. From the day I left home at age 18 I spoke to my mom every single day until the day she died 25 years later. We either spoke by telephone or in person. I would not have dreamed of not reaching out to her every day. Every TWO months?!?! In my mind, that's neglect.