Seeking advice on words to use

Quick background my ex wife was diagnosed with BPD and from the start of our child raising time together would use foul language and disparaging remarks about me in front of our daughter apparently in an effort to have her dislike me and more importantly dis-respect me. This started when my daughter was 3 (and the time when her mother began physically abusing her).

It seems to have worked well and it's been a back and forth with my daughter who is now 30. Recently my daughter blew up at me because I forgot something (via text) and said "you don't deserve my respect you should be grateful I even talk to you. I have tried SO hard to be nice to you!"

I am certain that her mother has been "working on her" in the background to continue to encourage my daughter to shut me out of her life and at 30 I am really concerned that she is being successful in making not only that happen but in encouraging a general "angry bitter" attitude in my daughter. I'm afraid her mother's need to have a "drinking buddy" is so powerful that this will be terribly detrimental to my daughter's success in life.

So, I wanted to ask others how would you approach talking with your daughter in this situation.

Any comments are much appreciated. Thanks

@petros welcome to MSF. I am sorry that your relationship with your exwife is so contentious and apparently they have convinced your daughter of that too.

I am not sure what to say but avoid saying things that may trigger a negative response from your daughter. Whatever you did to elicit the response they have tried to be nice, take a good look at what you said and did. Often I find in my own life that I say and do things that offend others or I misinterpret their intentions.

You could tell them you want to find a way to communicate in a nice way and see what they say. If they are angry and bitter and just chastise you, that is a hard act to follow. If she is conciliatoryi then write down the things she says and try to find words to communicate in that way.

@CANDC

Thanks for the reply. I know you are trying to help. A little more detail. I'm 71 and my daughter does not communicate with me any more except to say happy birthday and x-mas. This happened 2 years ago suddenly. Before that she came to visit me twice for a week and we had fun, it was very pleasant. We would text weekly on a regular basis, we never had an argument about anything she was always considerate. We seemed to be on very good terms. But at some point she stopped communicating there was no event that triggered that.

So since then she's been "pleasant" but getting more and more distant and I could read between the lines she was upset. I attribute it to her mother's influence. I am very close to my son who seems to have escaped any negative influence from his mother but since my daughter was seriously abused by her mother there's that phenomenon of the abused needing the abuser when feeling lost.

Since my daughter and I do not regularly communicate sometimes I forget what was said weeks ago. I bought her a birthday present that was being shipped from Germany and she did not tell me she would be away. So I worked hard to get the packaged delayed until she returned, What I asked her was "are you home?" And that's what triggered her anger. Clearly there was pent up anger she was holding in and "trying to be nice" but whatever happened the dam broke at that point. Clearly my asking are you home is nothing rude or inconsiderate. I think you may have misinterpreted my previous post due to lack of detail . Her reaction to "are you home" was to swear at me for not remembering she would be away. She did not think "oh last time I mentioned it was 10 days ago and he's 71 he probably forgot." Clearly the pent up "hidden behind niceness" anger is the real way she feels. This is what I am disturbed about. That her mother is using her for an "anger buddy" so her mother can feel better about hating me when her daughter joins in. Like the "drinking buddy" of an alcoholic I mentioned.

So again now I am asking for advice on how to approach this. Any parents who have experience like this love to hear from you.

Thanks

I’m sorry for what you are going though. I’ve no idea what you could do or not do to have a better relationship with your daughter. I just wanted you to know another parent read this. I’m extremely grateful to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and that’s all on her. I’m hardly the epitome of mental health.