Seeking advice

I feel I am caught in an awkward situation and unsure on how best to deal with it.

First a bit of reason why I seek advice and back story:

I have Aspergers (recently diagnosed) and I guess I am now relenting to the gaping fact that I struggle with understanding others very well... as such I second guess myself continuously and worry if I'm doing/saying the right thing.

From October to the 21st of December I was in hospital and while dealing with my own crap, a woman (for what it matters, 15 years my senior) kind of latched onto me for emotional support... She had been sectioned (I was informal) and as such was furious and saw the staff as the enemy.... so the only person she would speak to was me.

Obviously I found this hard at times (I'll leave that to the imagination, suffice to say it would be triggering stuff)... I saw her as a friend, but the support and shoulder to lean on was very one sided (I'm at fault for this... I fight other peoples battles but I never expect others to support me... I'm very quiet when it comes to my own emotions) and I just wasn't in the right state of mind to be shouldering two peoples burdens.

The staff on the ward became concerned (I found this out later) and she was moved to another ward... we had each others number and the night after she called me to say she was making a sui attempt, I alerted the staff who contacted the other ward.

I continued giving support up to the point of my mother and wife (who I was very honest with and know me well enough to know I hold no romantic attachment (to be fair I struggle with the concept)) suggesting that I break contact to give myself a well needed break.. I did so for 2 weeks... I found it very hard and was constantly worrying if she'd do something stupid as a result (she has been known to send manipulative texts insinuating self harm due to neglect).

Here in lies the problem... her family have turned their backs on her or are very inconsistent in communication (she has 12 children) and her only friend before admission told her she no longer wished to stay in contact.

Now, I'm not stupid... I know that my own health comes first and that were she to do something, it would be her own issues that guided her hand... but I do worry about her and I (and my wife agrees) believe the 'friendship' relationship we've built up could be long lasting.

With that said, my wife is getting worried that the 'manipulation' and possessiveness that comes across in the texts are becoming a concern... as I've said, she has no fear of me cheating on her... hell, if an advance was made, I'd run a mile in fright not knowing what to do and she'd be the first to know about it (something that has been tried and tested, heh)... how my wife and I ever got together is a funny and weird tale within itself.

She is worried about my mental state though and believes that the level of support I am giving is above and beyond that of a friendship that is relatively new.

I quite honestly don't know what to do... I appreciate that my wife and mum have not made any ultimatums, strength of character on their parts... but I also understand their concern.

By the same token, I don't want to desert someone who is clearly unstable and is dealing with multiple abandonment issues.

I hope none of the above is contrite or seems self serving... I've written it as I see it and genuinely want to try and work this out to the best possible conclusion (be it continued friendship or gentle separation).

I'm visiting her in hospital tomorrow after receiving a knee jerk text I got tonight as I hadn't been in touch for a few days (I do lock down and go quiet at time with everyone around me... I think because of the ASD), essentially saying she had been self harming and stopped from an sui attempt by police while given un-escorted leave from the ward and that she couldn't handle the fact I wasn't talking to her. Had a long chat on the phone and I think she was calmer by the end of it... but yeah, I'm acknowledging that I don't think this is healthy for either of us.

It sounds like you've pretty much got a handle on this from what you've written.

How would you feel about gently explaining your perspective to her? She sounds in such desperate need she may not be considering you - friendship is a two way thing after all, otherwise you are an unpaid support worker on call.

If you do stay in touch I'd recommend working out what the boundaries are within your friendship, along with your wife of course.

You sound like a kind, caring person, but there is no way you are going to be able to keep enough distance with this woman for the friendship to be a healthy one. I don't know what is her diagnosis, but she is highly manipulative. You will try to show her you are caring and not abandoning her, but eventually you will have to cut her off. She sounds like a person whose neediness suffocates others. You are also dealing with getting yourself well.

"Unpaid support worker on call" - and kind of a monkeywrench in the works? You offer her an out so she doesnt attach to her own t, to her possible detriment and yours.

You know how they say, rights come with responsibilities? Like the right to drive, the responsibility to not drink. The rights and responsibilities on both sides of this relationship can neither be defined nor agreed upon. so what are you playing at? stop being a victim of circumstance.

You sound like an awesome person. I think you need to find strength to separate yourself as it is detrimental to your health. But then again easier said than done. I wonder if you can discuss with her what other help is there. Sending you hugs

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Thank you for all the responses, I expected different view points and perspectives and you've certainly given me thought to ponder

Hadn't quite thought of it in that way, but it's sound logic. In fairness I've made solid attempt to encourage her to speak to others (primarily staff at the hospital) explaining that no matter how much I might want to help, I'm not a trained professional and my own stability is questionable (as in I wouldn't want to say the wrong thing/project my issues onto her and vice versa)... but putting it in firmer (not unkind) words tomorrow and re-affirming boundaries (as mentioned by prefabsprout) I've tried to set before would be the best move forward for us both... I just hope I don't botch it.

I didnt mean to sound harsh - those are words i have needed to tell myself to save myself. We CAN be too kind, too fearful? Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but we only have 4 cheeks! So there is a limit. .

I've had a friend similar to this before.

On the one hand I tried to be compassionate. On the other hand the term "suffocating" is a good one to describe such a friendship.

I needed to take care of myself, too. This was during my initial MS prognosis. She told off a friend of mine. Was a control tactic. She made the friendship about her. I had an MS prognosis, suddenly she had symptoms, too. She has used manipulation with her own family. Her own worst enemy. I had to walk away.

This is very important to be mindful of. You are not in a position to take on what amounts to a mental health care role with her.

I agree about the boundaries. So much easier said than done, though...

I find that the phrase "what can I do?" can be more liberating than it sounds. There IS only so much you can do. She knows that. And perhaps if you involve another (your wife, a professional) in your communication with her, then the risk of you being manipulated is much lower.

If you are able to just outright say that you prefer she not get in touch with you (both to yourself and her) then it's the best thing to do.

Postponed the meetup till Thursday (my psychiatric nurse was visiting me today and I saw it as a good opportunity to get her feedback on the situation).

I will be brutally honest here. Unfortunately I can't think of any other way to say this. She is purely a manipulative person and nothing in what you've said garners any kind of sensitivity from me for this so-called friend.

She is in no way your friend IMO. Look at your experience with her from the start. She was upset at the very start that she had been "sectioned" First warning sign. Why is that? They noticed in her that she was someone that needed to have special handling. This was before you knew anything else of her and unfortunately because you are a sensitive and grace filled person, you let her in.

The problem I see here, to be completely honest is that you got trapped in a situation with someone that does exactly what she's doing to you. She says she has no friends. This should make you question why. IF it's true, that people in her family and friends have cut her off, considering likely they all have known her much longer than you, there must be a reason. Likely tied to the behaviors she is exhibiting to you.

I speak from my own experience in that I tend to be the type that does much of what you are doing but have many times, been taken advantage of emotionally. I have time and again found myself supporting someone that only takes, only leans on me and never gives anything back.

There are a lot of people that are this way. They know only how to manipulate and make people feel sorry for them and offer a shoulder to lean on or cry on. Some go as far as making up stories but most times at the very least their stories and their life situations are grossly exaggerated in order to garner support from others. No, I cannot say 100% with certainty that she is doing those things but I can say from an experienced viewpoint based on your description that she very likely is this type of person.

you have your own issues, you have your own life, family even if only a wife to take care of first aside from being able to care for yourself first this is the last thing you need right now if ever. If someone continues to leech off of you emotionally it can only do you harm, your family and everyone around you after awhile. Your wife's concerns are very valid and you should heed them and not only take a break but break it off completely from her. I know that sounds uncaring but if she sucks everything out of you leaning on you without ever being truly a friend, where will you be? you won't be able to support her anyway and God knows that you won't be able to be there for those that truly need you to be there for you.

If my analysis is correct, she will find another to manipulate and take from. You're not important enough to her to give to you what friends give, move on, please.

ToeJam, she could be very toxic for you. You need to take care of yourself before you can help others, but in this case your help may not ever be enough. She needs professional help and then she can start to mend relationships. Your mom and wife sound very supportive and caring. That is so important!

Probably daft to post this but low of feelings at the moment... and the words of Unaluna with 'victim of circumstance' is probably accurate... but I'm dreading Thursday at the moment.

Those I can truly call friends (long term from when we kids) don't live in the same city as me and we speak/meet maybe 3x a year (and I get nervous each time we do as they have very large personalities)... so making a friend, even one that is built on dodgy foundations is a big deal.

I'm becoming more inclined to state things very clearly and if necessary part company... but I too get separation issues... or at least I have recently (change of Psych nurse, OT and stopping seeing my T all together... all three were long term) and I don't deal with change very well.

Thankfully I'll be visiting my Mum in London next week, so I guess I'll be able to get good perspective from her, she gives good advice... though it can be brutal... but that in itself is sometimes necessary.

Anyway... yeah, feeling a little sorry for myself, heh... good to sometimes write it all down I suppose.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted, has been sound guidance

If anyone has anything to add, will be read - I'll give an update on how it went in a few days time.

(((Toejam))) youre not better than her. Can you afford to follow her down the rabbit hole?

Why dont you have a t?

Had been seeing the same T for over 2 years and during that time I had 3 hospital admissions. Now I'm not saying she was in anyway the cause... she wasn't... but I came to the conclusion that things were not progressing and in addition to that we've (the wife and I) had to tighten our belts due to my not being in work.

Well. she tried to jump the fence Wednesday night, so has had her un-escorted leave taken away. It is agreed between us that I will not come up to one of the wards on the hospital as it brings back too many bad memories... so for now, I've said to leave to it till tomorrow and see where things stand.

Wow.

TJ, I've been reading along & feeling a bit anxious for you....but have said nothing till now. Agree w/what's already been said, but also:

She sounds pretty dang unstable. And really, is this something you need, want, or should be exposing yourself much to atm?

My instinct is "no". Make it about your own wellness, TJ -- bc obvs you've already identified this person as non-supportive and draining. And not a good idea.

Best of luck. I am in awe of your determination to talk to her in person instead of just quietly fading off into the distance. Brrrr,,,scares me to think of it, lol

Be strong for yourself.
Best,
Chyia

A bit of a disaster... sort of... well, it didn't go the way I would have liked:

Met up with her at the reception of the mental health ward and walked round to the hospital cafe. Kept chat light and fluffy and bought us both a hot chocolate. Gently mentioned that I had something to talk to her about and that I wanted it to be within her own timing (as in last thing before she went back on the ward might not be great)... she asked me to talk there and then.

Explained that for the last couple of weeks I have been struggling with my own mental health and was part of the reason for slow communication (as mentioned earlier, I go into a sort of lock down state)... that I want to be supportive, but I'm finding it hard to support myself. She responded that she could not deal with that and needed frequent communication.

I suggested us finding some middle ground (at this point she was shaking), but she shook her head and said we should call it quits. I cautioned against a knee jerk reaction/cutting off nose to spite face... but I knew (didn't say it) it was her decision to make.

She stood up, gave me a hug and made to move away... as a parting message I said that I wouldn't block her on my phone and that once she was better, she was free to contact me to re-evaluate our friendship.

I felt (and still do) a bit numb coming home... not sure if I could have handled it in a better way... I do think talking to her face to face was fairer that cowering behind a text... but it was clearly draining for her and I just hope she does her own best self care and doesn't do anything daft.

Sometimes when we are fearful of our own situation, it's very easy and comforting to use someone else as a distraction. A this point, right now, you need to hug, comfort, love, protect and get YOURSELF well. Good luck and God bless.

It truly sounds like you handled yourself quite well. I like how well thought out it went. And leaving the door open with a boundary, when she's feeling better and that not resume but discuss resuming.

I do very well feel that this must have been very stressful because it involved you asserting yourself and let go of the outcome only controlling your own reactions.

Self care is important. ((((gentle hugs))))

Thanks, hurting a bit at the moment, but done is done.

You were kind and fair with her especially given your own situation, maybe she knows this, maybe she will come to know this. IMO what she is looking for would be a tall order from a person who was completely well.

This certainly is a tricky situation you have found yourself in. I think you must become aware of your personality traits that have caused you to enter into this type of relationship in the first place. You were in a hospital where other people, like yourself, needed professional help. Your natural tendencies came into play. You saw someone who needed help and you offered it. You probably have Empathy, Harmony, or the desire to help other people reach achievements as strong personality strengths. You only did want comes to you naturally and most likely looking back on your life experiences you will find that this has happened before with the exception being that this particular person needs more help than most.

The important thing for you to realize at this moment is that she requires professional help. She requires the kind of help that only professional doctors, therapists, and medication can offer. Remember, you are not most likely professionally trained to offer this type of help. Or are You?

In my humble opinion, based on own experience and similar personality traits to yours, it would be the best thing, in the end, to dissolve the relationship that has been created here. If in fact, she harms herself and has replaced the professional help she needs with your friendship it would be more hurtful to you than it would be for you to just put an end to it. The best help that you can actually give her is to steer her into the direction of depending more on the professionals at her disposal instead of yourself. She is not going to this while you are making yourself available, and in fact, her hand seems to need to be forced.

I think the only way you can steer in the right direction, since she is obviously not thinking rationally, is too break contact. Know that you are being the rational one here. You have stated, your recovery and well-being must come first and foremost to hers. This is the truest and most meaning statement you can make.

Please consider my response carefully. The decision can be only yours. Your wife seems quite rational as well. She is expressing her concern without forcing your hand to act in any one direction. Discuss with your wife the possibilities of what could happen. Is this woman hurting herself when she so obviously depending on the relationship with you and not seeking out the professional help that she needs as a result the worst thing that can happen? Consider you feelings as a result? Is that the worst thing that can happen to both her and yourself?