I want another baby

This is a really stupid thing for me to be thinking about right now. So why can't I get the baby jones out of my head.

I see my little girl playing with dolls and playing with the 5-month-old at her daycare, and it is so cute. She's like a little mommy. I always wanted her to grow up with a little brother or sister, I don't want her to be an only child. I wanted something like 2 or 3 year spacing but life just got in the way. She's now 2-1/2 years old.

My marriage is not well. My husband and I fight over stupid things. I have really horrible mood swings and I know I'm difficult to live with.

We live in a teeny-tiny rental duplex. We just bought some land to build a house on - but we fight over the simplest decisions (like doorknobs!). I just don't see how it's ever going to happen.

I'm still obese. I promised myself I would lose the weight before I got pregnant again, just because of all those studies about an overweight/obese mom and the effects on the baby - and especially on breastfeeding, since that didn't work the first time and I really want it to work this time.

And...I'm not well. Might be bipolar. Might just be depression. Who knows. But I need meds. And it will take a while before I can really get to the point where I can even think about weaning off them.

So why do I still keep getting these crazy notions that I want to take my IUD out???

I can't handle another kid. I was horrible in the newborn stage. Severe postpartum depression. I know I'm like 99.9% likely to get that again. What am I THINKING!!

But then when I still keep putting it off, I feel guilty. The longer I wait, the further apart the siblings will be. I really wanted my daughter to have a "friend" to grow up with. A sibling around her age...not 5 years younger.

Stupid stupid guilt. Stupid stupid ideas.