Motivate a teenage daughter

My daughter has just turned 13 and is bright. When she was much younger she scored in the 96 percentile in an IQ test. She is now entering 8th grade. However, she consistently has mediocre grades. She is well adjusted, has plenty friends and enjoys life. When I got her last report she received one A, two b's and the rest of her report card consisted of C's. When I met with her teachers they told me that if she worked just a little harder she could receive almost all A's. They said she hands in her work late, talks in class and is more interested in the social aspects of school rather than the academics. I now have an opportunity to send her to a very prestigious high school but she has to pass the entry exam first. She does not want to attend this school - she says she would have to work too hard. She says I am pressurising her and making her unhappy. Her dad says a little pressure wouldn't hurt her. Attending this school would be a wonderful opportunity for her but I cannot motivate her. My questioning her school work and asking about homework is causing a lot of tension between us and we are contantly arguing. Does anybody have suggestions about how I can persuade her work at school and avail of the opportunity that has been presented to her, and to make her realize how working now could improve her whole future.

Import an astronaut or someone in a field that she likes, to give a talk at the school?

My questions for you are:

Why make your child go to a prodigeous school if she does not want to go? Why does she HAVE to have above average grades, when "mediocre" grades can still take her to whatever career she wants in life? Why are you looking at all of the lack of achievements instead of what she has already achieved? Why are you not litsening when she says you are making her feel pressured and unhappy?

I do not mean to offend you by these questions, but I'm asking you this because I know from not only my own expirience but also from my older brother's that you cannot force a child to become motivated in school and get good grades. I say, first be thankful that she's passing, compliment her on her strong points, and don't put so much pressure on grades. From my expiriences, this doesn't motivate but only strains your relationship.

Let her be free to enjoy the social aspects of school, be patient as she tries to figure out what she wants to do with her life, and regardless of what kind of life she wants it is important to be supportive of it. After all, this is HER life and HER decisions to do what she wants with it not matter what you want for her. It is at this point that motivation comes naturaly.

Will she fall down? Of course.
Will she make a bad choice here or there? Most likely.
But it is important to let your child fall once in awhile so they learn how to not trip themselves up.

Once again, I'm not meaning to offend any parent by this post.
And no, I'm not some sort of child expert.
But I'm talking from my own expiriences here, as well as my brother's.

Believe it or not, things could be FAR worse, both my brother and step-brother would be considered gifted...or at least very bright, and not only did they fail school, but I swear they failed school with the lowest grades you could possibly fail with. I never considered myself smart, but I must be considering I scored on average in the 95th percentile on the pre-ACT exam. I've only managed to pass school with decent grades (though like your daughter it's far less then my actual potential) because I feel bad for my teachers when I don't hand in my work because I know they worry about me.

I'm not a parent, but I see alot of similar stuff in this post that happend to me in high school. For me school was always just too easy, except for math where I still struggle with, I got bored in class, or if I wasn't interested enough I just wouldn't do the work. My mom had plenty of parent teacher confrences where she would hear how I would do better if I just put some effort in it. I wish I had now, because if I had worked to my full potential in high school I could be going to a big universtiy with my friends and not a the local community college, not that there's anything wrong with the community college, it's acutally a really good school to start at, but I already have four of my basic classes out of the way. Maybe you should explain to her that by doing good in high school now may not seem important but that it will open doors in the future, explain to her that by keeping grades up and doing good academically she will be have more choices when it comes to college and better chances at scholarships. As for the really prestigous high school, well talk that over with her, see if maybe part of the reason she doesn't want to go is that she's scared and doesn't want to leave her friends. If she doesn't want to go then forceing her to go will further strain your realtionship with her and possible mess her up academically if she won't do the work. Plus would she have better chances at scholarships at her current school? That is something to definatly look at. I hope you and your daughter are able to talk this out and that the strain is taken off of your relationship with her.

Best Wishes
Silver

Bomeara,

Hello and welcome to PC!

You’re daughter is a young woman and I’d talk to her as such. Make a compromise, she can remain in the school she’s comfortable in, but she’s going to put some effort into her school work.

The books come home, and you check her homework. If she fails to turn it in on time (most schools here you can check these things online daily) then she loses phone privileges etc.

I wouldn’t push, I would encourage. Small steps, bring the C’s up to B’s and try to bring the B’s up to A’s. Tell her that you know she’s intelligent and you expect her to do her best, no more, no less.

You’re the parent, don’t argue! Tell her what you expect of her and why. No negotiation when it comes to homework. If she doesn’t put any effort into it, I’d nip the social stuff. Dances and things are coming up, she’s going to want to go.

Good luck!