[ems1971]

I have 4 children: 15, 10, 9 and 6
I am living in a different country than the dad/ my husband- but he calls too regularly and skypes (just for some background). It has a been a rough marraige and now i moved to the US for school. There are all sorts of discipline / behavior issues and i am tired. I don't know if i want ideas of what can work or just a pep talk--

concerns: messiness, roughhousing, talking back, bickering with siblings etc

I know much could be worse, but i don't like the trend. I know I need to calm down and find ways to pick my battles. I tend to run the mouth- allow my frustration to show. Not a good move, Elaine!

thanks all

[AAAAA]

Your kids sound old enough for you to sit down and speak to them calmly about the things that are on your mind. Let them know that you understand they're frustrated with the changes in their lives, but what you're doing now is for the benefit of all and you're tired.

I don't know what to do about the bickering with siblings, my kids still do that two of them are adults. But I don't have to hear it. When they start, I tell them to solve the problem quietly, get over the small stuff.

Let your oldest know that he/she is a role model for the younger children and expect him to behave accordingly. For roughhousing, if they're messing around in the livingroom, they're not allowed in there until they can behave. Back talk I would send them to their room until they were willing to express themselves in a respectful way. Most kids are messy and don't really like cleaning up after themselves, but it's a fact of life. If they're not following your rules, take away computer, video game, and TV. Another thing that was very effective with my kids was if they did not empty the dishwasher when it was their turn, then that chore was theirs for a week. If they didn't put their clothes in the hamper, I taught them how to do laundry and that chore was theirs for a week. (I'd recommend jeans or towels only until their skills improve.)

Is there any way that you can talk to their dad and have him get on board? Even though the two of you don't get along, they are his children and certainly he'd like them to behave properly.

Make sure that you are praising them when they are behaving. Younger kids in particular go out of their way to seek that approval.

I would also suggest an evening or afternoon (weekend) a week that you all do something together. Attendance is required by everyone. Play board games, cards or watch movie. Sometimes we get so busy with our lives that we forget that quality time kids need. Make a simple meal that everyone eats together use paper plates to make clean up easier and that evening is family time.

Your idea to pick your battles is a good one. If the kids think you're going to be frustrated no matter what, they're not going to try. If you feel yourself getting frustrated go in your room, or take a bath.

5 A's talked about things I have done with my kids and those things really work. My number one rule about parenting is CONSISTENCY. If you say that you are going to ground them from the TV, you HAVE to do it, and every time. I don't care much about their rooms, for me that is their space. They do tend to clean it when company is coming over though because THEY are embarrest, not me.

My old T had a suggestion that they used with his 6 kids. If they started bickering and fighting, he made them clean the windows, one on each side. lol

Part of this might be their feelings about the divorce though, maybe they need some extra attention now. Good luck, good parenting is hard, if it is too easy, then you aren't doing enough, lol

For me, the more connected my kids feel to me, the better behaved they are. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my chores, the computer, whatever....and they slowly disintegrate into bickering, hyper messes!!! (I have three boys - 11,8 and 6). When I take the time to BE WITH them - to play games, or invite them to cook with me, or go on an outing together, or just listen to them...it's like they feel filled up inside and don't have to poke at their brothers all the time.

When my two youngest fight, I will sometimes make them choose between giving each other a hug or holding hands on the couch for 10 minutes lolol. It turns into a game and it's suddenly them vs. me and they laugh and reconnect with each other (they pick the hug every time btw). Finding a way to laugh helps.

((((((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))))))