[ApothicSun]

Ok, well right now I feel very empty and sad, I really don't know why and I really want to talk to someone about it to vent or find sympathy. I'm a sophomore in high school and at school I have "friends" I guess but I always have to start the conversation (which I usually do by some attention *****-esque thing) and I could never really tell them my problems, And they are just "friends" at school, nothing else. I have a bad relationship with my parents, they're either distant or yelling at me for something I did. I am "talking" with this one guy Who I like a lot, I would really like to make it into a relationship but I can't really go on dates with him unless I lie to my parents extensively because I don't want to them to know I'm gay and I'm dating a you (and he's 18). I tried telling him that I feel lonely and he said "you have plenty of friends. We both know that. I don't want to hear it" and I really want him to show more affection because then I would actually feel wanted or important, and I'm really scared he dosent want to talk to me anymore and that he'll abandon me, and he always compliments me and it makes me feel really happy. I play guitar and sing, and I write music, lyrics, and poetry, but no one really supports me, which really hurts, bad, and most people say how bad it is.

Anyways I just feel very lonely and that no one wants, and I feel very empty. Also I have a lot of mood swings and tend to do very impulsive. I have this constant need for someone to notice me sometimes, so I do something really stupid (and usually sexual), or say some lie like once I told people that I was raped which I wasn't at all, and once I said that I got head from my cousin's girlfriend which again is defiantly not true. I also have this constant need to have someone love and show their affection to me and if they don't (like now) I feel like they have abandoned me and I get very depressed. I used to have a very bad cutting problem, about for 2 weeks in April I would
cut myself 8 times a day, I don't now because my mom checks. I threaten suicide a lot, but I've only tried once.. Which was pathetic in the most possible way. I am very insecure about my body and how I look, a lot of people say I'm attractive and skinny but I don't believe so, I weigh about 128 and I'm 5"5, I did have bulimic tendencies but not anymore. Also I get jealous so much over everybody and anything - which I hate and it really eats me up, and it easily becomes malice, which is never good. I have some pretty bad mood swings, though they've become more subtle lately as they had been a few months ago; Its like the smallest things make me soooo depressed, like one time in English class we had to work in groups and these guys wouldn't let me be a part of their and I ended up crying pretty bad - which sounds stupid. And like when I see the guy I like ( I sometimes go where he works just so I can see him); I was like euphoric

My dad is almost never home with his job because he has to travel everywhere (even Japan once) and I really don't have a relationship with him, and he cares more about my older brother and my younger sister because they're very, very good at sports. My mom doesn't have a job and she just stays home, but she's very abuseful, mainly verbally and basically just tells me of what a burden and a failure I am. When my both of my parents are home, its like a war, they fight like all the time and it can get very physical sometimes.

I find myself saying/doing things so that I can get attention/sympathy a lot. Like sometimes I will blatantly touch myself in class, say something sexual and absurd, and lie about sexual exploits (I haven't had my first kiss yet). I tell people, whom I don't even know, my problems (usually how they are - but sometimes exaggerate) to get sympathy, so that they feel bad for me, and that they'll try yo help me, but I never accept the help. And when I don't get attention I tend to get depressed. Also when I'm in a group setting and when everybody else is talking I'm generally ignored, so I say things, usually that aren't even true just so I can have my though voiced. Also if someone tells me to something, no matter how absurd, or stupid I'll do it.

[honeybee777]

Well, you might have it BUT thats for a T to diagnose....but here at pc you can find freedom from these behaviors, I also play guitar and sing as well, hope to see you in chat, you need to post 5 times to get in....later