[honeybee777]

HPD talking about cheating/ emotional affairs, early years

hpds cheating
and you know what.... hpds lack ability to describe something logically with detail
so it seems like hpds can't really deliver their opinions on it well
and this time i have to try to argue

cheating... our cheating+going back after breaking up is like........... unintentional(?!)
everyone start to blame me and i am like 'what is everyone takling about ?! ?!'

1. ummm...... when i was in high school i had a boyfriend, and i tried to break up with him but he didn't want to break up with me, so i flirted with his best friend, expecting that would make my bf to break up with me and then my bf's best friend wanted to date me, which was surprising to me(i flirted with him yes, but i never predicted the result of it,like not at all) and i answered 'ummm.... i'd think about it'(i didn't like both of them, and was just thinking about how to break up with my bf) and later my bf blamed me for cheating and that he was hurt and i was like '?????????'
it seems like i always had 0 understanding of that other person likes me. so that he could be really hurt if i do certain things. like, i never ever imagined such possibility, not at all.

2.what always happens , i break up with bf with significantly hurting him, and go back to him.(I don't do it anymore) in one case, it was out of 'empathy'; my ex seemed sad so i'd go back to him, but again i'd escape, but still he seemed unhappy so i'd again go back to him, this repeated like 10 times. then ppl said i'm playing with him, so i was like WTF? I am being fully empathetic?

in another case, the other ex, he didn't persuade me to come back, but i just repeated the same behavir. break up-> goes back -> break up and it WASN'T INTENTIONAL, seriously, it was like AUTOMATIC ACT like ROBOT as if i am hypnotized or something. i didn't think, i didn't plan, i didn't understand anything, i just did it without thinking. so when my ex said 'are you playing with me?' i was so shocked, cuz i really never had any kind of intention/understading at all with my behavior. but after hearing that i realized, my behavior is something WRONG, looks like i'm playing with him
idk why i act like that.

3.when i needed to achieve something, i'd do it through the seduction. then i had no understanding of that what i am doing is 'seduction' PLUS there's other ways which i can use than 'seduction' i remembe being LARGELY shocked when someone called me out for it. i was discussing over something with a girl and i said 'i should first charm that guy, and make him to do it, and then...' and then she said 'why do we have to use THAT WAY?'
and i was SO SHOCKED, (THAT WAY? OMG, What I tried to do is SEDUCTION PLUS,i didn't NEED TO do it that way, there are other ways too, i can survive without using seduction and manipulation, to realize that i was really really so shocked and talked about it to counsellor. it was before i was diagnosed with HPD

4. anyway the thing is,
cheating behaviors, and going back etc it happens AUTOMATICALLY
when i was called out for it, i felt like, suddenly woke up from hypnotization,
'WHY DID I DO THAT?' :OOO 'I'M WEIRD'