[justforher]

I am not sure how to do this or what to say. My daughter is 13 yrs old, she is warm, caring, fiesty and so much fun, at least those are the postive twist I can put on things. She was diagnosised a few years ago with ADHD, but the medication and counseling has not been able to help her. A lot of her behavior has progressed to scary thing, she is right now in a residental program to try and straighten her out. At 12 yrs old she was having sex, doing drugs, drinking, sneaking out at night, had over 3000 friends on facebook (a lot of grown men she didnt know), putting up video and pictures of her in a bra and underwear, stealing and physically abusing me and her sister if we tried to say anything. Her counselor at the program has finally said she believes ADHD is not my daughters only issue, finally someone looking beyond so maybe my daughter can get help. I know diagnosis usually are done at an older age, but everything I have read about Histrionic Personality disorder screams my daughters name. I know I need an official doctor to finally listen and look at everything (although all they ask is if she is sleeping, eating, etc normal with her meds), but I want to help her....I want her to have everything she deserves. So I am here, to make myself more supportive and understanding for her. She does not feel her behavior is wrong at all and I am sure my constant frustration about what she does is not helping anything. Is there anything I could do/should do to be supportive and helpful? Also, a quick thank you....I quickly looked at some of the threads, it actually felt good...I felt some hope. If I can find someone that understands her maybe I can help her better.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by justforher

I am not sure how to do this or what to say. My daughter is 13 yrs old, she is warm, caring, fiesty and so much fun, at least those are the postive twist I can put on things. She was diagnosised a few years ago with ADHD, but the medication and counseling has not been able to help her. A lot of her behavior has progressed to scary thing, she is right now in a residental program to try and straighten her out. At 12 yrs old she was having sex, doing drugs, drinking, sneaking out at night, had over 3000 friends on facebook (a lot of grown men she didnt know), putting up video and pictures of her in a bra and underwear, stealing and physically abusing me and her sister if we tried to say anything. Her counselor at the program has finally said she believes ADHD is not my daughters only issue, finally someone looking beyond so maybe my daughter can get help. I know diagnosis usually are done at an older age, but everything I have read about Histrionic Personality disorder screams my daughters name. I know I need an official doctor to finally listen and look at everything (although all they ask is if she is sleeping, eating, etc normal with her meds), but I want to help her....I want her to have everything she deserves. So I am here, to make myself more supportive and understanding for her. She does not feel her behavior is wrong at all and I am sure my constant frustration about what she does is not helping anything. Is there anything I could do/should do to be supportive and helpful? Also, a quick thank you....I quickly looked at some of the threads, it actually felt good...I felt some hope. If I can find someone that understands her maybe I can help her better.

One thing stood out to me in this post: Her behavior is not 'wrong'; she is just sick.

I'm 37 and have had this probably since 14 or so. I wish my mom had not pegged me as 'bad'. I wish my mom had not condemned or judged me. I wish my mom had not seen my behavior as wrong or bad. I wish, instead, that she had listened to me. I wish that she had understood that my behavior was likely caused by never having felt loved or paid attention to. I wish instead she had talked to me openly and NONjudgmentally about sex and men. Most important, though, I wish that both my parents had taken the time to see me for me, to take me out one-on-one once in a while. I needed love, and the bottom line is, people with HPD felt or feel starved for love and affection. I wish my mom had loved me.

I hope this helps in some way. I'm happy to PM and answer any questions you might have. I'm also a high school teacher, and I work with tons of teenage girls, if that perspective might help as well.

[seekingtruth86]

I just joined PC a few moments ago and don't know if you are still around or if you will get this. But I wanted to encourage you and praise you for being here as a Mother seeking to help her child.

I have not actually been diagnosed with HPD but everything I have read about it also screams my name (as it does your daughter). I am 27, and I can tell you that my enslaving craving for approval has led me into such destructive paths, that I recoil at the things I have done, and ways I have hurt the people I loved.
If I can help you to help your daughter in any way, in order to keep her from going down the paths that I have, and landing where I am today - I would definitely do that.

I also think that of all people, YOU as Mom is the IDEAL person to help your daugher. I know that a lot of my craving for attention and approval is due to a lack of positive affirmation and physical affection from my Mom. Maybe you did the best you knew with your daughter (and I feel confident about that because of the fact that you are actually HERE on these forums trying to help her). But maybe it is possible that you (or her Dad) weren't speaking your daughter's love language and though you tried to communicate your love for her, it was not actually received. Therefore, from her side of things, there may have been some degree of 'perceived' rejection. If your daughter is sleeping around with men, it is very likely she did not have the kind of affirmation and physical affection she needed from her Dad during her formative/developmental years.

I understand you can't exactly go back in time and do things differently. But I think the best you can do right now, is to continuously shower her with love. Go out with her alone and let her Dad go out with her as well (I really think it is important for her Dad to get involved with her life). Communicate in words, letters, cards etc that you love her and that nothing she has ever done, or can do will change that. Talk to her about men. Talk to her about what it means to be a lady. Take interest in the things she is interested in.

Someone once said that the more you love your child, the more you hate in him/her the liar, the drunkard, the betrayer. So I think it is perfectly normal and loving to hate the things in your daughter's life that is destroying her and others. She may not be able to see now the things she is doing are destructive; but trust me, HPD brings a lot of destruction and heartache in a person's life.. eventually. It would be hard to see the pain this will all eventually cause your daughter, but it is a painful reality. The truth is, she won't desire help until, she reaches that place where all her relationships crumble, and the sex, drugs and alcohol no longer fill the empty, gaping, black hole in her soul.

The kind of collapse that usually happens to people with HPD (as it did with me), will eventually lead her to seek help. So my advice is to do everything to make it sink into the very marrow of your daughter's bones that you will always love her, that she will always be welcomed home, and that you will always do anything for her greatest good, no matter the cost. If you can do this, your prodigal daughter will come back to you one day, ready and willing to receive your love, support and most of all: help. And that is the best thing you can give her.